Goyasan
Ah'm tryin' my best!
- Nov 24, 2019
- 63
So, this week is supposed to be my final week and I swear to God, and I know this sounds paranoid as fuck, but it feels as though there is something stopping me. Not in the sense that I have second thoughts or I shouldn't do it but I feel like there's some force out there trying to stop me from CTB'ing by warping my environment and filling my head with paranoid thoughts.... My package that contains the main component wasn't delivered on the date of I had expected it to be. I paid for First Day Air, it shipped on the 15th and the Delivery was Attempted on the 16th. Like a dumbass, I forgot to remove the "Signature Required" thing and so the package wasn't left on the door. Now, because of that I switched it to have the package delivered to an Access Point. Now, this was confirmed on 16th, a Friday. Now, it's now the 20th and I'm paranoid something went wrong. I know logically it's because the package was confirmed to be sent to an Access Point on a Friday, it can't be delivered until Tuesday or Wednesday because of the weekend and Martin Luther King Jr. Day but I'm so fuckin' scared something went wrong and I won't be able to get my package. I paid like $50.00 for this package and I'm worried I won't get it. I don't know why I'm so stressed over this. God. I'm so close.
On another tangent, I kind of realized the worst yet most shallow part of preparing to CTB is that I need to keep my stomach contents low and start preparing to fast which sucks because I LOVE eating. It's one of the very very very few things that bring a smile to my face because I'm a disgusting glutton but that's besides the point. I know the chemical potency is gonna hit me hard because of my lack of physical weight but I still know I gotta be able to fast when the day comes if that makes sense.
Another paranoid tangent. My CTB plan requires a bunch of walking in order to get my supplies and then to my final destination (Workplace → CVS → Liquor Store → Hotel → Whatever is Beyond Life) and I'm like so worried of something going wrong. Either passing out on the street or in a store, being pulled over for looking suspicious, etc.
On another tangent, I kind of realized the worst yet most shallow part of preparing to CTB is that I need to keep my stomach contents low and start preparing to fast which sucks because I LOVE eating. It's one of the very very very few things that bring a smile to my face because I'm a disgusting glutton but that's besides the point. I know the chemical potency is gonna hit me hard because of my lack of physical weight but I still know I gotta be able to fast when the day comes if that makes sense.
Another paranoid tangent. My CTB plan requires a bunch of walking in order to get my supplies and then to my final destination (Workplace → CVS → Liquor Store → Hotel → Whatever is Beyond Life) and I'm like so worried of something going wrong. Either passing out on the street or in a store, being pulled over for looking suspicious, etc.
