Venting Autism is a lonely and confusing hell

[DynamicDepression]

Sorry for this somewhat toxic and incoherent rant. I just want to get this out of my system.

Everything is always so awful for me. I feel so alone and like I'm in a stranger's mind and body. Just seeing myself in the mirror is enough to trigger a panic attack because I don't recognize the person I see. Feeling or seeing my face or body parts make me uncomfortable and scared.

I can't communicate with people anywhere. Not even on here. My brain is so fucked up it doesn't know how to speak with other people. One shift in tone or a slightly different punctuation and I can't stop thinking horrible things. I overanalyze everything and can't stop, exhausting myself in the process and becoming even more lonely because no one (rightfully) wants to deal with my constant shit.

I would do anything to be free of this condition, but I can't even mention my struggles in any autism support group without being labeled an ableist. I'm glad you high-functioning folk see it as your "superpower" or whatever, but I'm too scared to even be awake because my brain hurts and terrifies me constantly. I don't know if I have anything other than autism but it would not surprise me. I seem to be uniquely messed up among my peers.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also have Autism and I do believe it's a reason as to why I've never wished to exist here, I'm not meant for existing, I believe that autism just very often means that people suffer more, it does sound awful and tiring what you have to go through.

 

[Daxter_87]

I've never been diagnosed, but my family and I suspect that I am on the spectrum as well. I relate to everything you said. Overthinking everything all day long is my vice too; it's pure exhausting torture. Belonging somewhere is not within my reach either, not even on SaSu. Therefore, the only thing I can describe myself as is a "pariah among pariahs", or "an otherworldly life form", or whatever other name you can come up with.

Ultimately, I'm nobody, I'm a member of no group or community, and I know nothing, except that I won't repeat the same mistake my parents made – to create me.

 

[Duckup]

Antidote is pride & continuity.
Your pride would be misplaced and technically mania? Enjoy the dissonance if you still try....
Establishing continuity relies on contention with the present for it to carry over effectively, and this exponentially.
Both are unnatural and unrealistic concepts - that still mange help the nowist neurotypical individuals.

 

[DynamicDepression]

Antidote is pride & continuity.
Your pride would be misplaced and technically mania? Enjoy the dissonance if you still try....
Establishing continuity relies on contention with the present for it to carry over effectively, and this exponentially.
Both are unnatural and unrealistic concepts - that still mange help the nowist neurotypical individuals.

I tried that a long time ago. Self-induced mania, I mean. But I'm afraid that I am sane enough to know I'm insane.

 

[Duckup]

I tried that a long time ago. Self-induced mania, I mean. But I'm afraid that I am sane enough to know I'm insane.

Can see why psychiatry would approach this with their cocktails, as an extension of this philosophy. Too bad their drugs suck.

 

[MindFrog]

I can't communicate with people anywhere. Not even on here. My brain is so fucked up it doesn't know how to speak with other people. One shift in tone or a slightly different punctuation and I can't stop thinking horrible things.

This hits too close to home. You can't even win arguments even when you're right just cos people can't understand you. I've been a bully bait for so long because of this.

Autism is extremely isolating if you're surrounded by people who either don't know what it is or just lacks empathy.

 

[ToTheTwillight]

@DynamicDepression, I would be someone that has high functioning autism, and believe me when I tell you this that's it's far from superpowers... Just because I figured out how to be normal around people, doesn't mean I don't need to put any effort, it's still a lot of effort, it's still draining me, and it's still distressful. Over the years as I became more aware of myself and my surrounding, I learned that it's fucking disgraceful and embarrassing to be out there, constantly seeing the normies easily get girls just being dumb and shit... Even then it's very isolating for me. But yeah this shit sucks, and it frightens me we live in a society they pound you to live by people who care more to boast themselves as heroes who saved you than to understand your pain.

 

[DynamicDepression]

@DynamicDepression, I would be someone that has high functioning autism, and believe me when I tell you this that's it's far from superpowers... Just because I figured out how to be normal around people, doesn't mean I don't need to put any effort, it's still a lot of effort, it's still draining me, and it's still distressful. Over the years as I became more aware of myself and my surrounding, I learned that it's fucking disgraceful and embarrassing to be out there, constantly seeing the normies easily get girls just being dumb and shit... Even then it's very isolating for me. But yeah this shit sucks, and it frightens me we live in a society they pound you to live by people who care more to boast themselves as heroes who saved you than to understand your pain.

I hope I didn't make it seem as if I don't think high-functioning autistic people are suffering, that was not my intention and I know your pain is just as real as mine. I'm sorry for explaining it poorly, but I think you understand what I was getting at in my original post. It is very disheartening to live in a world where virtue and hero signaling is more important than genuine care.

 

[pyroxenic]

It really is annoying how much self labeled 'high-functioning' autistic folks treat this disorder as something you have 'special interests' and 'quirky behavior' when... its still a disorder? And then those with high-functioning autism get mad at you if you dare say having autism fucking sucks majority of the time and that that theres not much to be proud for having it, and then get called ableist for all that.

My autistic traits have made me ostracized from my peers, my family, and everyone i meet even to this day. My autistic traits and nature has made me more vunerable to gaining a personality disorder + more mental health issues because i was not getting correct treatment for my needs. There is nothing with this disorder thats "superpowerd". I can joke with other autistic people how "autistic" i am at the moment, but at the end of the day i still pray i wake up "normal" with no issues and problems that were caused by my autistic nature, and live my life functionally for once.

i can fake that i am high functioning, and mask for a certain period of time. In the end allistic people can tell immediatelly theres something wrong wrong with me and get weired out by me and get pushed away. The cycle never ends.

But i guess its easier to talk about certain things that are easy or funny unique to autistic people, than really sit down and talk about how having autism is suffocating and isolating everyday.

 

[Archness]

Autist = It's Over.


I have no special talents or "special interests". Not even normal talents, or anything of value really. Honestly I think autistic ppl who shit on those who are suffering and correctly think autism is a purly negative disability, are just projecting their own insecurities, or virtue-signalling.

As an autist, I got the help I needed, a good supportive environment (even in school!), but in the end it's fucking pointless. The "social lessons" did absolutely nothing. No real friends, no real connections. I can't really "call for help" because what are they supposed to do? More of the same pointless things that do nothing but break even, if that? Drug me up? Listen to me whine all day?

Do I wish to be normal? no. Being such a massive autist is too much of a part of myself, there isn't a part of me not somewhat autistic or "defective". There no possible version of myself that isn't autistic. Magically turning me "normal" would leave either a veggie or a corpse.

At some point I realized for most things just "click". Rly doesn't happen /w me. You can't really learn these things at all, only methods of faking it.

Not only am I in a word where nothing's genuine, it may be just yet another defect of me in-particular.