northoverhill
Member
- Feb 28, 2023
- 11
Based on what I've read from a few others on this forum and my own self as well, it seems people who are trans are also likely to be both autistic and depressed.
Obviously, the last thing I want to do is generalise and make assumptions of other similar people, but I've wondered about why that seems to be the case and why, at least for me, those things tend to perpetuate each other in an endless, self-triggering chain reaction.
My autism has given me less regard for social convention and societal norms, meaning I've been more willing to explore my gender identity and express myself in an unusual way. However I choose to identify or label myself, inevitably, this leads to discrimination; heckles on the street, people online arguing about whether we exist, governments across the world seemingly in an arms race to see who can erase us quicker, the fact that my potential romantic/sexual partners were instantly cut by about 98% the moment I came out.
And, rather surprisingly, this combination of things takes the spring out of my step (sarcasm implied). I am very very sad the vast majority of the time. I used to be able to hide that fact, but I am now so tired that when people ask me "hey, how you doing?", I honestly just say "...awful". They then, obviously, ask "what's up?". And here's where it starts to circle in on itself. Throughout the day/night when I'm crying, pacing back and forth across my room, gripped by pure existential terror, I'm mentally piecing together a beautiful and passionate rant about everything that's wrong.
In my head I'm collecting all these scattered pieces of trauma, regrets, past failures, future concerns, linking it all together with evidence, therapizing myself as I'm going.
Then my friend asks if I want to hop in Discord, and I think "yes!!" It's the perfect storm! I'm very emotional, he's my closest friend, I'm so desperate for someone to listen to me, and I've got my thoughts together. We hop in, we say hello, he asks how I'm doing as I fully hope and expect him to, and I just freeze. My nose is stuffy, my eyes are raw, and my script is disintegrating in my fucking hands, and yet again the possibility of a progressive and helpful chat with a close friend eludes me. I tell him I'm not doing well, but I don't even scratch the surface of what is actually wrong. I give vague references to just how generally tough life is, "I'm just really fucking tired man". We talk about it for a few minutes, and we come to some hollow conclusion that life's all about just having a laugh, and we play some games for a bit. This isn't at all to say my friend isn't trying to help me or I'm insulting him - I love him so very much - but it's just not emotionally relieving for me.
From what I believe is my autism, I find it so impossibly difficult to articulate my thoughts when talking to someone, I find it so very difficult to believe that they care about what I'm saying, I don't have it in me to truly connect with him or anyone else. I'm from a different planet and I'm utterly alone.
I watch comedy panel shows on YouTube, and I'm so horribly jealous of how likeable and friendly these people are. How the fuck do these people do it? None of these people are trans. Maybe trans people just don't find success, maybe my life is just doomed to fail, maybe I have just a really specific and awful combination of traits and circumstances that have made my life irredeemable. I'm working class, transgender, autistic, and clinically depressed - the antithesis of a royal flush. And as always, that conclusion leads me to wish I was dead. Fuck this planet, fuck me, fuck it all to fuck and back.
Thank you for reading my disordered thoughts. <3
Obviously, the last thing I want to do is generalise and make assumptions of other similar people, but I've wondered about why that seems to be the case and why, at least for me, those things tend to perpetuate each other in an endless, self-triggering chain reaction.
My autism has given me less regard for social convention and societal norms, meaning I've been more willing to explore my gender identity and express myself in an unusual way. However I choose to identify or label myself, inevitably, this leads to discrimination; heckles on the street, people online arguing about whether we exist, governments across the world seemingly in an arms race to see who can erase us quicker, the fact that my potential romantic/sexual partners were instantly cut by about 98% the moment I came out.
And, rather surprisingly, this combination of things takes the spring out of my step (sarcasm implied). I am very very sad the vast majority of the time. I used to be able to hide that fact, but I am now so tired that when people ask me "hey, how you doing?", I honestly just say "...awful". They then, obviously, ask "what's up?". And here's where it starts to circle in on itself. Throughout the day/night when I'm crying, pacing back and forth across my room, gripped by pure existential terror, I'm mentally piecing together a beautiful and passionate rant about everything that's wrong.
In my head I'm collecting all these scattered pieces of trauma, regrets, past failures, future concerns, linking it all together with evidence, therapizing myself as I'm going.
Then my friend asks if I want to hop in Discord, and I think "yes!!" It's the perfect storm! I'm very emotional, he's my closest friend, I'm so desperate for someone to listen to me, and I've got my thoughts together. We hop in, we say hello, he asks how I'm doing as I fully hope and expect him to, and I just freeze. My nose is stuffy, my eyes are raw, and my script is disintegrating in my fucking hands, and yet again the possibility of a progressive and helpful chat with a close friend eludes me. I tell him I'm not doing well, but I don't even scratch the surface of what is actually wrong. I give vague references to just how generally tough life is, "I'm just really fucking tired man". We talk about it for a few minutes, and we come to some hollow conclusion that life's all about just having a laugh, and we play some games for a bit. This isn't at all to say my friend isn't trying to help me or I'm insulting him - I love him so very much - but it's just not emotionally relieving for me.
From what I believe is my autism, I find it so impossibly difficult to articulate my thoughts when talking to someone, I find it so very difficult to believe that they care about what I'm saying, I don't have it in me to truly connect with him or anyone else. I'm from a different planet and I'm utterly alone.
I watch comedy panel shows on YouTube, and I'm so horribly jealous of how likeable and friendly these people are. How the fuck do these people do it? None of these people are trans. Maybe trans people just don't find success, maybe my life is just doomed to fail, maybe I have just a really specific and awful combination of traits and circumstances that have made my life irredeemable. I'm working class, transgender, autistic, and clinically depressed - the antithesis of a royal flush. And as always, that conclusion leads me to wish I was dead. Fuck this planet, fuck me, fuck it all to fuck and back.
Thank you for reading my disordered thoughts. <3
