Discussion “Attention seeking”

[its-about-time]

After recent things here… I'm curious where everyone stands on the topic of "attention seeking."

The notion that 'trying to get attention is a bad thing' is very prevalent in society. Yet, we all need attention. We just are supposed to pretend we don't. I think everyone on this forum is suicidal in part because they aren't receiving the attention they need most - be it love, worry/concern, compassion, understanding, connection, acceptance, etc. Correct me if I'm wrong.

That's what makes me so confused to see occasional comments here accusing and berating other users for seeking attention. Isn't that what we're all doing here on this forum? Trying to get our needs met that aren't being met irl? If you just needed info on a way to ctb, you'd have no need to engage a community, you'd just read the PPH. We're here for more than that and there's no shame in that.

Enlighten me with your opinion.

 

[Al Cappella]

You're not wrong. Usually you get accused of that when you're doing things that make people really uncomfortable. They're trying to minimize what you're doing and feeling. You know, "you're not really sick, just going for the attention". That sort of thing. I don't know, it's always bothered me…

 

[motel rooms]

accusing and berating other users for seeking attention.

It's happened even in people's goodbye threads...

 

[Cathy Ames]

Faking a suicide altogether. Does that count as "attention seeking" or would it be something else?

 

[its-about-time]

Faking a suicide altogether. Does that count as "attention seeking" or would it be something else?

I'd absolutely qualify that as attention seeking. At least (or especially!) in the context of an online forum. It's trying to obtain worry and concern from others, as well as love and support. It gets people to show a sort of desperation for you to be okay. All things I imagine such a person doesn't regularly get in real life. This holds true (in my opinion) for threatening suicide in real life and telling false stories of suicide attempts. Faking suicide online and related things is pretty desperate and just shows how much someone is suffering.

Now, a real life legitimate faked suicide in which someone then disappears to another place forever undetected, I think that's a different thing.

 

[Al Cappella]

If it goes to those lengths, it's a kind of fraud. But you'd have to wonder at what's wrong with someone to do that…

I didn't have the feeling this other thing was fake. I could be out to lunch, but it seemed pretty convincing.

 

[its-about-time]

If it goes to those lengths, it's a kind of fraud. But you'd have to wonder at what's wrong with someone to do that…

I didn't have the feeling this other thing was fake. I could be out to lunch, but it seemed pretty convincing.

"If it goes to those lengths" referring to what specifically? Like real life faked suicide disappearance acts? That's generally fraud for sure, much of what you'd need to do is illegal for sure.

I don't think it was fake either. For me, being accused of faking/"attention seeking" AS I'M DYING… yeah I guess it'd confirm my decision to go. I already learned to not tell people irl my suicidal thoughts/plans. Just reading that thread made me want to never tell anyone here that I'm doing it either.

 

[Al Cappella]

"If it goes to those lengths" referring to what specifically? Like real life faked suicide disappearance acts? That's generally fraud for sure, much of what you'd need to do is illegal for sure.

I don't think it was fake either. For me, being accused of faking/"attention seeking" AS I'M DYING… yeah I guess it'd confirm my decision to go. I already learned to not tell people irl my suicidal thoughts/plans. Just reading that thread made me want to never tell anyone here that I'm doing it either.

Ya, a faked attempt online wouldn't be fraud. Unless you were trying to get something concrete from someone. I'm not sure I would tell anyone here either now…

 

[Red Scare]

The notion that 'trying to get attention is a bad thing' is very prevalent in society. Yet, we all need attention. We just are supposed to pretend we don't. I

I think it's important to ask yourself what kind of attention it is you are seeking.

Isn't that what we're all doing here on this forum? If you just needed info on a way to ctb, you'd have no need to engage a community, you'd just read the PPH.

No, I joined this forum for one reason. Just reading the pph didn't answer all of my questions. For one thing, I wanted to confirm with someone else that the email address published there was the right one to contact D, and ask questions or discuss with others in the N and D megathreads who had dealt with him so I felt comfortable emailing D and knowing I would not be scammed.

I stayed because while we're all more or less here for a similar reason, I found out that there are a wide variety of topics covered here and it's one of the only places left on the Internet where you can speak your mind and not have to worry about over zealous moderation. Plus I have encountered some pretty cool people. In short, I was bored. I was also surprised with what a supportive community it can be.

 

[its-about-time]

I think it's important to ask yourself what kind of attention it is you are seeking.

I listed quite a few kinds of attention that are pretty universally sought in my original post. So I did cover that. Can you be more clear what you're saying because I'm not understanding.

 

[Red Scare]

I listed quite a few kinds of attention that are pretty universally sought in my original post. So I did cover that. Can you be more clear what you're saying because I'm not understanding.

There are all sorts of negative reasons a person might be seeking for attention, and even negative kinds of attention. Seeking to manipulate others for example, or like the kind of person that posts racist rants on social media. Mass shooters who feel like the world didn't pay enough attention to them, and people with histrionic personality disorder. Narcissists, etc.

 

[its-about-time]

There are all sorts of negative reasons a person might be seeking for attention, and even negative kinds of attention. Seeking to manipulate others for example, or like the kind of person that posts racist rants on social media. Mass shooters who feel like the world didn't pay enough attention to them, and people with histrionic personality disorder. Narcissists, etc.

Interesting opinion. Thank you for clarifying. I disagree, but my post was looking to see what other people believe, so thanks for sharing.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Okay. So seeking attention (and manipulating people's emotions) by posting a fake suicide = attention seeking. [And I'm NOT saying any particular person did that. I'm talking in general.]

Also, I think the inappropriate posts asking "are you cute" (and etc, you know what I mean) were ALSO attention-seeking, trying to get a need met by getting a reaction.

Do you have a single over-riding point that applies to both of these? I think you are correct that "attention" can absolutely be an unmet need.

 

[its-about-time]

Okay. So seeking attention (and manipulating people's emotions) by posting a fake suicide = attention seeking. [And I'm NOT saying any particular person did that. I'm talking in general.]

Also, I think the inappropriate posts asking "are you cute" (and etc, you know what I mean) were ALSO attention-seeking, trying to get a need met by getting a reaction.

Do you have a single over-riding point that applies to both of these. I think you are correct that "attention" can absolutely be an unmet need.

I think my only point is that such attention seeking behaviors are often desperate attempts to meet needs. Of course there are other reasons too and it's not universal but I think it's very common and often overlooked. I'd guess the second most common reason is to reinforce negative images about oneself (like in types of trolling) which also says a lot about a person's suffering.

That kind of behavior evokes a lot of emotions in others, with good reason. It's kind of half the point of the behavior. All I'm saying is, it's worth trying to understand WHY somebody is doing it —what terrible place they must be in to be acting that way— and to attempt to show compassion and understanding, because we understand that kind of pain. That's all. It requires stepping outside of yourself and that can be especially difficult with sensitive topics.

Anyways I hope you don't think I'm judging or justifying any behaviors here or elsewhere. I just think attention seeking behaviors are very telling when we can get past the initial emotional reaction it creates.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I think my only point is that such attention seeking behaviors are often desperate attempts to meet needs. Of course there are other reasons too and it's not universal but I think it's very common and often overlooked. I'd guess the second most common reason is to reinforce negative images about oneself (like in types of trolling) which also says a lot about a person's suffering.

That kind of behavior evokes a lot of emotions in others, with good reason. It's kind of half the point of the behavior. All I'm saying is, it's worth trying to understand WHY somebody is doing it —what terrible place they must be in to be acting that way— and to attempt to show compassion and understanding, because we understand that kind of pain. That's all. It requires stepping outside of yourself and that can be especially difficult with sensitive topics.

Anyways I hope you don't think I'm judging or justifying any behaviors here or elsewhere. I just think attention seeking behaviors are very telling when we can get past the initial emotional reaction it creates.

So a thing I have often heard repeated is that ANY attention is better than no attention. Meaning that social creatures sometimes find it preferable to receive punishment than to be ignored altogether. I think that might be along similar lines to what @Red Scare meant. But we seldom try to understand the "why" of someone trolling or making inappropriate comments.

And I totally agree with you that attention seeking behaviors are very telling when we can get past the initial emotional reactions they create.

 

[bing]

Attention seeking beyond what is reasonable (I think we all get gut feelings about that) is not okay. But that's just my opinion

 

[its-about-time]

So a thing I have often heard repeated is that ANY attention is better than no attention. Meaning that social creatures sometimes find it preferable to receive punishment than to be ignored altogether. I think that might be along similar lines to what @Red Scare meant. But we seldom try to understand the "why" of someone trolling or making inappropriate comments.

And I totally agree with you that attention seeking behaviors are very telling when we can get past the initial emotional reaction it creates.

I remember the first time I heard that, it was about a fellow child who was always getting himself into trouble for being inappropriate. I definitely believe in it. The point I mean to emphasize is the "why" in those circumstances. I agree humans prefer punishment over no attention at all. I also believe some people with negative core beliefs do things to reinforce those beliefs, could be considered another type of punishment, just self-punishment. I don't act specifically like the user we're talking about but I absolutely have been stuck in other behavioral self-punishment issues for many years. "I feel like I'm a piece of shit so I'm going to convince you that I'm a piece of shit to prove it to myself." It's very real.

Thanks for your insights, and for helping me further home exactly what I mean.

 

[lmon]

My sister heard about some guys train suicide and she was like, really you need so much attention you're going to inconvenience all these people just bc you want the attention so bad? And she said why else would someone do that besides a different method. I was like…. Bc trains can b very fatal lol. I was like… wtf… how can they get attention there sooo craving when they're dead lol. Idk how to cope with this bc I have thought of the train method early on before coming in here and seeing there are much less traumatizing ways for all parties. It really bothered me she thinks this, I think about ctb 24/7, I'm even ctb in my dreams almost every time I dream. What the f does the train method have to do with attention, you can't even see the people's reactions, and there is the classic occasional person that wants help and does a method that they know is less fatal. But train??? Idk maybe I'm just bias. But yeah it like disturbed me she thinks this it almost felt evil that she was concerned about people's days inconvenienced rather that someone having a very bad mental issue and outcome. I don't like feeling like my sister has a bad heart. Would she think I am just wanting attention if I ctb? Yes bc I can totally bask in attention when I, dead. I even sit in my room all day bc I love attention so much. Idk if this was some stranger I wouldn't think much of it I'd be like yeah some people are aholes. But my own sister?

 

[freedompass]

If I were you I'd try not to overthink this. 'Normies' say stuff like this all the time. They sure as hell do get vexed when their train is delayed for whatever reason. Just human nature. Most people will likely never know how it feels to want out of life itself let alone relentlessly for months or years. They will tend to dismiss our motives, trivialising our pain coz they don't understand it which makes them uncomfortable. Sure if your sis accuses you personally of attention seeking, it's hurtful depending how close a relationship you have. Wish you the best.

 

[Idontmatter]

This is why I've stopped posting so much. I don't want to be accused of that. I'm an introvert so I normally try to avoid attention as much as possible anyway.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Think this is a very interesting thread. Similar to the whole- 'That wasn't a real attempt- more like a cry for help.' That seems to be considered a bad thing... Like you should just soldier on without asking for help- whatever the problem is.

Mental struggles are such a personal thing and I think it can be difficult to relate to someone- even if you are both clearly struggling but in different ways. For example, I have a close friend who has attempted to ctb a couple of times using over the counter pain meds. We have discussed our personal 'journeys' and while we empathise with each other for wanting to ctb, the practicalities of it are a bit bewildering to both of us- She feels like her attempts were kind of spur of the moment desperate acts- where you're not even thinking- just grabing what is available. Whereas I haven't attempted but I've thought about it very clearly and very long and I don't think I'd risk an attempt that would likely fail or leave me injured. Think she kind of feels like my 'approach' is too rational (and maybe too cowardly- maybe to the point I'll never go through with it- maybe right) whereas I don't fully understand her attempts either because it seemed clear to me that they wouldn't work. So I don't know if they were real attempts or a desperate cry for help. Either way, to attempt something so risky definitely points to someone struggling- and surely we ought to help people that are struggling.

When it comes to trolls pretending to hurt themselves to illicit a response. I can't get my head around that- but how would you REALLY know that was the case? It would be awful to taunt the intentions of someone genuine because you weren't sure. I guess trolls still do clearly have issues- which probably do still require a sympathetic response but it's harder to sympathise with someone who mocks or bullies you.

I've never really thought that suicide may be in response to lacking attention. I've always personally felt like it was my inability/unwillingless to cope with the world. Still, I suspect you may be right. I reckon a lot of us feel isolated.

I reckon any form of social media is a grab for attention to be honest. I'm really happy that I've found this forum though because it feels like a place you can be honest without frightening your friends and relatives. It's kind of the opposite of Facebook/Instagram etc. We're all on here to show off how shit our lives are! It's kind of grounding...

 

[imtrying]

Like you should just soldier on without asking for help- whatever the problem is.

I don't know if I'm in the minority here but I think what matters is a distinction between attention seeking and a call for help. They can look very similar, but you can't treat them the same way. Calling a suicide hotline could be considered either, depending on the circumstances the person was calling in. In my opinion it really depends on the motivations of the person, and because no one can know that it's hard to react to.

 

[whatevs]

This is why I've stopped posting so much. I don't want to be accused of that. I'm an introvert so I normally try to avoid attention as much as possible anyway.

Trust me that you have to go to great great lengths to get accused of that here. Post as much as you can. It's free!

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't know if I'm in the minority here but I think what matters is a distinction between attention seeking and a call for help. They can look very similar, but you can't treat them the same way. Calling a suicide hotline could be considered either, depending on the circumstances the person was calling in. In my opinion it really depends on the motivations of the person, and because no one can know that it's hard to react to.

Yeah, I get where you're coming from and I do kind of agree with you. I guess I was referring to actual suicide attempts rather than the act of reaching out- I've heard regular people descibe a failed suicide attempt as 'a cry for help'- which seems to belittle their original feelings/intentions. I'd imagine with any real attempt, there's a real possibility of death- so- to say that was just for attention seems to mock the person.

I think we tend to see the cry for help as something more serious and possibly life threatening than a stunt made for attention. Still- you have to wonder- what motivates someone to pretend to be in that much danger if they're not? While they may not be in the same danger as a genuinely suicidal person, there must be some kind of mental imbalance there. God knows how you treat or even distinguish it though...

Have you ever seen the documentary film: 'The Woman Who Wasn't There'- about a lady who had claimed to have survived the awful 9/11 attacks? She claimed her fiancee had been killed in the attack and even participated heavily in a survivors group and it eventually turned out it was all lies... You've got to wonder what leads someone to do that.

 

[Doombox]

Sometimes I think about how if you do tell people you're feeling suicidal, then you're attention-seeking, if you back out of an attempt then it's a cry for help, and if you do just go ahead and ctb then they all want to know why you never said anything.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

Sometimes I think about how if you do tell people you're feeling suicidal, then you're attention-seeking, if you back out of an attempt then it's a cry for help, and if you do just go ahead and ctb then they all want to know why you never said anything.

Damn, what a catch-22.

 

[Doombox]

Damn, what a catch-22.

And don't forget, if you tell a therapist/psychiatrist/whatever that you're feeling suicidal, if you aren't careful you'll end up on a psych ward.

 

[imtrying]

I think we tend to see the cry for help as something more serious and possibly life threatening than a stunt made for attention. Still- you have to wonder- what motivates someone to pretend to be in that much danger if they're not? While they may not be in the same danger as a genuinely suicidal person, there must be some kind of mental imbalance there. God knows how you treat or even distinguish it though...

Yeah I've wondered this too. There was a girl in my elementary school who would say she was going to kill herself and a lot of things like that for a long time. People relentlessly bullied her, justifying it by saying that she was just doing it for attention. Apparently she was, and would smile when people turned away. It really creeped me out because I figured that even if she wasn't suicidal there must be some reason she was doing it. (I know it's different than an actual faked attempt but at least to me it raises similar questions)

 

[Forever Sleep]

My sister heard about some guys train suicide and she was like, really you need so much attention you're going to inconvenience all these people just bc you want the attention so bad? And she said why else would someone do that besides a different method. I was like…. Bc trains can b very fatal lol. I was like… wtf… how can they get attention there sooo craving when they're dead lol. Idk how to cope with this bc I have thought of the train method early on before coming in here and seeing there are much less traumatizing ways for all parties. It really bothered me she thinks this, I think about ctb 24/7, I'm even ctb in my dreams almost every time I dream. What the f does the train method have to do with attention, you can't even see the people's reactions, and there is the classic occasional person that wants help and does a method that they know is less fatal. But train??? Idk maybe I'm just bias. But yeah it like disturbed me she thinks this it almost felt evil that she was concerned about people's days inconvenienced rather that someone having a very bad mental issue and outcome. I don't like feeling like my sister has a bad heart. Would she think I am just wanting attention if I ctb? Yes bc I can totally bask in attention when I, dead. I even sit in my room all day bc I love attention so much. Idk if this was some stranger I wouldn't think much of it I'd be like yeah some people are aholes. But my own sister?

Yeah, I can understand your disappointment. It is really upsetting to see how little we all care about one another to see someone's suicide as an inconvenience to other people. My Dad once witnessed someone fainting on the Underground (train) and people were simply stepping over them to get to work.

Still, I think sometimes people don't really think through what they say. Expect your sister may not actually mean it if she really thought it through.

 

[depressedmaniac]

Didnt read all the replies cuz to drunk and suicidal. But posting sth for attention renders forums useless. For example if r/bpd is full of ppl not having it and just posting for attention noone with bpd is getting the attention and understanding they come for on there. So I believe its disrespectful in a way.
Btw I do not encourage to make assumption and call ppl out. especially on goodbye threads on here.