Neurodamaged2
Member
- Oct 28, 2019
- 69
I've attempted and failed at suicide multiple times. I've hung myself twice, overdosed multiple times (including on benzos with alcohol), tried to electrocute myself, and attempted partial suspension (and backed out) more times than I can count. All within the last year. Combined with ECT sessions and a plethora of different drug regimens while being in psych wards, my brain has taken a lot of damage. This is compacted with the fact that the original reason I was suicidal was that I was noticing cognitive and bodily issues from the use of medication (SSRI / amphetamine induced anhedonia, PSSD, emotional blunting, etc), so it was damage on top of damage. At this point I'm surprised I'm not disabled or severely mentally handicapped, albeit I do notice a lot of cognitive and emotional damage and changes. At this point my end by suicide is guaranteed, I think about suicide almost every minute of the day and can't stand living. It's gotten so bad I get no reward (dopamine / serotonin) out of doing the things I once loved or even via having a few beers or a vape, there's literally no enjoyment of life for me anymore. Laying in bed all day passing time browsing stupid posts on reddit and looking at these forums while waiting to sleep are honestly all I would do if left to my own devices. Basically, running out the biological clock. My brains fried, the damage is done, I want out.
I'm struggling to muster up the will to kill myself for good. After stripping away so much of me, I'm emotionally dead and do not even feel sadness or suffering anymore beyond a strong mental inability to 'like' being conscious for any reason. Thus, the drive to do so is dead. I look at life completely emotionally dead, apathetic and lacking in the 'will from within'. I can see suicide for what it is, an ending of being conscious, without any emotional allurement - no hype or 'it'll be relieving when I'm dead'. While death is what I honestly believe I prefer most of the time, the ability to make the conversion to that state escapes my grasp.
I wish I could die in my sleep but alas I have serious doubts about that as I've suffered so much damage, and taken so many benzos (and OD'd on them), that my tolerance to passing out from benzo overdose is pretty darn strong. I've downed like seven beers and taken 30 mg of Zopiclone (double the maximum dose), and was conscious. I've drank, took 10 mg of Ativan, 37.5 mg of Zopiclone, 7.5mg of mirtazapine and 6 mg of melatonin and just ended up walking the house in my boxers in a benzo-induced semi-conscious state. Benzos just don't seem to keep me sleeping for any longer than 7 or 8 hours if I'm lucky - whether that's due to tolerance, damage to my GABA system, or both, I don't know. I've even tried SSRI sleep meds like Trazadone but they don't do anything except make me a zombie (empty brain) for several hours. At this point I wish I had access to barbituates or something similar just to be able to go to sleep at 9 and wake up at 7, let alone OD.
Thus, my faith in taking SN is fairly low as I'd want to fall asleep before I die, preferably by benzo. Unfortunately, benzo tolerance probably won't let me, even with alcohol, and my docs are suspicious of me as-is so asking for more potent stuff is a strict 'no'. 15mg of Zopiclone a day is already very high, they say.
I'm a stay-at home reliant on my parents so things like CO poisoning are out (plus the potential for even MORE brain damage if failed), same thing with amitryptaline OD.
Even as I type this, I've taken 0.5mg clonazepam, 15mg zopiclone, some valerian root extract, melatonin and I'm not even tinged with tiredness. But I don't have it in me to hang myself or other method.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this besides info for other members. Maybe you'd like to give advice, maybe you've got questions about my SA's, IDK. I just wish I could get some help killing myself because I really don't want to be on this earth anymore.
I'm struggling to muster up the will to kill myself for good. After stripping away so much of me, I'm emotionally dead and do not even feel sadness or suffering anymore beyond a strong mental inability to 'like' being conscious for any reason. Thus, the drive to do so is dead. I look at life completely emotionally dead, apathetic and lacking in the 'will from within'. I can see suicide for what it is, an ending of being conscious, without any emotional allurement - no hype or 'it'll be relieving when I'm dead'. While death is what I honestly believe I prefer most of the time, the ability to make the conversion to that state escapes my grasp.
I wish I could die in my sleep but alas I have serious doubts about that as I've suffered so much damage, and taken so many benzos (and OD'd on them), that my tolerance to passing out from benzo overdose is pretty darn strong. I've downed like seven beers and taken 30 mg of Zopiclone (double the maximum dose), and was conscious. I've drank, took 10 mg of Ativan, 37.5 mg of Zopiclone, 7.5mg of mirtazapine and 6 mg of melatonin and just ended up walking the house in my boxers in a benzo-induced semi-conscious state. Benzos just don't seem to keep me sleeping for any longer than 7 or 8 hours if I'm lucky - whether that's due to tolerance, damage to my GABA system, or both, I don't know. I've even tried SSRI sleep meds like Trazadone but they don't do anything except make me a zombie (empty brain) for several hours. At this point I wish I had access to barbituates or something similar just to be able to go to sleep at 9 and wake up at 7, let alone OD.
Thus, my faith in taking SN is fairly low as I'd want to fall asleep before I die, preferably by benzo. Unfortunately, benzo tolerance probably won't let me, even with alcohol, and my docs are suspicious of me as-is so asking for more potent stuff is a strict 'no'. 15mg of Zopiclone a day is already very high, they say.
I'm a stay-at home reliant on my parents so things like CO poisoning are out (plus the potential for even MORE brain damage if failed), same thing with amitryptaline OD.
Even as I type this, I've taken 0.5mg clonazepam, 15mg zopiclone, some valerian root extract, melatonin and I'm not even tinged with tiredness. But I don't have it in me to hang myself or other method.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this besides info for other members. Maybe you'd like to give advice, maybe you've got questions about my SA's, IDK. I just wish I could get some help killing myself because I really don't want to be on this earth anymore.
