Venting At Whit's End from my Eating Disorder

[BillyBob]

Life is utterly pointless for me. Everyday is a mental challenge around food. I do not eat anything besides a binge purge cycle at night time.
Have Anorexia and are so scared of food. The whole binge purge cycle can last up to 6 hours a day and it is a nightmare.
It effects every aspect of life. Can not eat infront of people, even family members and friends. Makes Christmas lunch and dinner just an awkward mess with people looking at me weird and being questioned.
Been to an eating disorder clinic 2 times and failed that. as well because I am such a failure in life.

My skin is now going all flaky, gums are getting damaged along with my teeth from the acid i have had many teeth pulled out. Are very weak and have lost much strength every day tastes are hard.
Lack of concentration and constant forgetfulness. Why bother honestly.

Every day is like this and has been for the past 3 years and that is not ontop of being mentally messed up for the past 15+ years on medications.

So today I decided to start cleaning up my room and throwing everything that I do not need away.
This is so when I CTB there will not be much to clean up and make life easier for all around.
Notes have been written with instructions on who to contact, funeral songs etc.
Plan to use SN. It is over 2-3 years old now but it is in a sealed container and done a test 2 days ago with blood. The reaction happens fast still so it will be a go ahead soon.

Just going to wait until a time where there are less inconveniences for family members.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. Eating disorders can take over and ruin your life.

I'm not sure I ever went all in but I've certainly always had a very bad relationship with food. I've always had binge cravings/ episodes and was equally obsessive about dieting- lost 5 stone, periods stopped etc.

Your not a failure. You did try to beat it- it's just so difficult. Again, I think it's something that many people don't understand unless they have experienced something like it. I wish I knew what to say to help. I hope you can find relief, whatever you decide to do.

 

[TydalWave]

Wow. This sounds incredibly tough to go through.

It's crazy how we on SS can be going through such drastically different life circumstances, but be feeling the same thing in this moment. I wish you the best and I wish you weren't feeling this way. Because its clear you've tried for so long. That's the relentlessly unfair part of our universe I want out of.

You deserve better.

 

[BillyBob]

I'm so sorry. Eating disorders can take over and ruin your life.

I'm not sure I ever went all in but I've certainly always had a very bad relationship with food. I've always had binge cravings/ episodes and was equally obsessive about dieting- lost 5 stone, periods stopped etc.

Your not a failure. You did try to beat it- it's just so difficult. Again, I think it's something that many people don't understand unless they have experienced something like it. I wish I knew what to say to help. I hope you can find relief, whatever you decide to do.

Yeah I use to be obese then dropped my weight to 50% of what it use to be and are now stuck in a bad place.
For binge eating I binge 10,000-15,000 Calories a night but bring it all up. It makes it very hard to get back into a normal eating cycle when I no longer know what normal is for food since calorie counting comes into play with any food I keep down.

Another point that sucks is going to the supermarket and people start ask why so much food since I go every day.
That is not to say I am going broke from the cost of food too.

Thank you too for replying

Wow. This sounds incredibly tough to go through.

It's crazy how we on SS can be going through such drastically different life circumstances, but be feeling the same thing in this moment. I wish you the best and I wish you weren't feeling this way. Because its clear you've tried for so long. That's the relentlessly unfair part of our universe I want out of.

You deserve better.

Have read so many stories of what people have been going through on SS and each one is different. It is a weird world we live in with everyones lives being different in one form or another. Different enviroments and cultures all effects us in so many ways it is interesting and sad at the same time to see what people have gone through in life to get to this point.

Life does feel like it is built up for some people to be a failure in life or get the short end of the stick.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah I use to be obese then dropped my weight to 50% of what it use to be and are now stuck in a bad place.
For binge eating I binge 10,000-15,000 Calories a night but bring it all up. It makes it very hard to get back into a normal eating cycle when I no longer know what normal is for food since calorie counting comes into play with any food I keep down.

Another point that sucks is going to the supermarket and people start ask why so much food since I go every day.
That is not to say I am going broke from the cost of food too.

Thank you too for replying

I really feel for you. I can see the embarrassment and massive anxiety. I've always felt like food addiction was so unfair too. Alcoholics/ drug addicts rarely have just one drink/ hit a day because it could well lead to a session but we HAVE to eat in order to survive. It becomes a living hell when so many foods trigger us. I wish I knew what to say to help.

 

[Lylaxlyla]

I don't know if there's a group of people I empathize with more than those suffering from eating disorders.Ever since I've known myself I had a fucked up relationship with food.I started 'dieti g' in first grade.How cruel is it that a six year old thinks starving themselves is okay? I'd lie people about my weight,skip meals and the praise I got for being skinny was insane.For many years my weight was the only thing that defined my worth.Soon after the obsession with food took over me and it all went to shit.It came to a point where it wasn't so much about the weight but control.I've never got diagnosed but I believe I experienced a form of bulimia and it sucks.I'd starve myself during the day and have binge attacks where I'd have 10k+ cals in one sitting.Realizing the amount of food I just had made me feel like dying each time and it was a never ending cycle.When I went out all I could think of was food and what am I gonna binge on when I go home.I've lost and gained back the same 35 pounds several times and I understand you so much.Eating disorders do affect and possibly ruin all aspects of one's life.You're not alone in your suffering.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound very horrific what you have to endure and it's awful how this life can torture people in so many ways with no real relief from what they are experiencing. It must be very tiring what you are going through and your feelings of wishing to be gone from this world are understandable. I hope that when the time is right for you to leave you find the freedom that you are looking for.

 

[Nightbird]

I'm so sorry BillyBob. I know how you feel. I first started ED at age 11, and I just turned 50. I haven't indulged bulimia in some time, but I consistently restrict and am anorexic. It's exhausting. No different than being addicted to drugs - it runs your life and similarly messes with your brain/neurotransmitters/reward center, while being malnourished screws with your organs. ED reflects a life of overall deprivation, of learned deprivation that didn't start with you. I know this, have had years of therapy, take psych meds, yet I still do it. I still want to disappear.