I'd say... Maybe i was born with a weird brain, maybe it's my parents that fucked me up.
But as long as i can remember myself I've been attached to gore stuff, liking blood, loving to imagine myself dying, thinking of.. "What would happen if i die" and things like that when i was about 8 years old.
At the age of 11 I had my very first attempt. Didn't work, was totally woth it, I liked the part where I tried!
As I grew older I've given 4 unsuccessful attempts overall that I never talk about in my irl circles. They don't get me, they judge and call me stupid.
Last one was in September 2018. (I was 17) After I got 0 help from a child suicide prevention hot line. It was 2am, I was alone, scared, the lady on the phone told me we don't have a whole day to chit chat, plus it's late and she was sleepy she said.
The bitch really didnt help, only made things worse.
Well... That time it didn't work either. Was a dumb move, I didn't calculate things properly, I got scoffed at later on.