Discussion At the end pain still hungers for meaning

[nobeertonight]

Even is the times that I could get up and be like a normal person the things I've gone through, the years of loneliness, the mental anguish and so on still hunger for meaning. It's a weird sense of injustice seeing others achieve the same things that I achieve or want to achieve without having gone through the hell I did and still do. I know this is wrong but envy and bitterness are feeling that have calcified withing me in a way, I will never get rid of a sense of disgust for normal people and even if I try not to listen to it there will always be a part of me wishing for others to be made suffer just as I did.
I think at the end if I could give meaning to the whole of my experience this feeling would go away, but it won't, maybe art and such can be a good way of confering significance to bad experiences, but I fear I have very little artistic quality, and even if I were to put myself into it I always feel stunted in expressing myself it's like I'm missing a core emotional attachment to the experience of self expression.

 

[Lily6759]

I wanted to become an artist as well for the sole reason of self-expression. Putting my loneliness into art and having people understand it would be incredible, however I also lack the ability to express myself in that way.

For the past 5 years, I found some comfort in using my pain as a way to relate and help others I know in real life who have gone through experiences I could relate to, so they feel less alone. I recently found meaning in a person that I now live for, and in turn they live for me, but I realistically got lucky in finding someone like that.
Currently when I can't talk to that person, I come on here and try to relate to people, in hopes they feel even a tiny bit less alone. You can't expect to save anyone, but finding meaning by supporting and showing others understanding is probably the easiest way to find meaning.

Artists go through years of practice to be able to create art. You have had years of experience with pain and loneliness. If you can find ways to use that, you might be able to find the meaning you clearly want. Plus, in helping people, even if online, you might eventually find someone who can stop you feeling so alone like I did.