Madison98
Member
- Aug 30, 2024
- 7
I'll keep it simple. I'm a survivor of child sexual assault. Got molested repeatedly by a neighbour between the ages of 5-8. I have CPTSD but not just from that, school was a horrible place for me. I am on the spectrum and at the time teachers didn't know how to deal with someone like me so instead of changing the environment to cater for me they abused me, in an attempt to help me adapt to the environment I was in. Yes I agree this helped me some as I am very high functioning now as a 27 year old but I developed horrendous social anxiety and severe depression from a very young age, I am confident these manifested as a result of this trauma. I live now not remembering a day without anxiety or depression.
Even worse still I always knew I was transgender. I remember when I was as young as six I used to pray to god each night hoping that I wake up as a girl. This of course never became true and since I feared social judgement from such a young age, I never came out or received gender affirming treatment before my male puberty really kicked in. So now, even though I have come out I will most likely never have the body of a women. Maybe surgeries will help but the chances that I'll ever pass are uncertain.
I don't have any identity, I've spent my whole young adult life desperately searching for some kind of meaning, to have something to cling onto and give me motivation to live. And even with two daughters with whom I love very much, I'm still losing the will to live.
I'm not sure how much strength I have left to keep on with my transition, apart of me wants to wait and see what happens and maybe I will be surprise and find a life worth living on the other side. The problem is I'm so god damn tired now. Referencing Tolkien's work.. "I feel like butter spread over too much bread". And every day that goes by the sweat call of all this ending is enveloping me. It's almost like I'm already dead and my soul is halfway out but my body still clinging on to life reminding me of what I will never be.
What triggers me the most is seeing photos of children playing, young adults hanging out, at parties ect. I spent most of my childhood scared of the world so I never went out and experienced living. Seeing those photos are heavy reminder of what I never had.
My life can be understood as a building halfway through construction but the foundations weren't correctly laid. As time moves forward and the weight of life starts to push down on those foundations everything inevitably comes crashing down. Even if I become a women, I'll be a women that never had a childhood as a girl. An identity missing its core.
I'm ordering SN, I have found a source. Hopefully it gets through customs without getting flagged. I don't think I could deal with a welfare check. It will just end with me going to hospital again and that never helps.
For those who have taken the time to read this, thank you for hearing my truth. You're the only ones I trust with this before the end.
Maddie
Even worse still I always knew I was transgender. I remember when I was as young as six I used to pray to god each night hoping that I wake up as a girl. This of course never became true and since I feared social judgement from such a young age, I never came out or received gender affirming treatment before my male puberty really kicked in. So now, even though I have come out I will most likely never have the body of a women. Maybe surgeries will help but the chances that I'll ever pass are uncertain.
I don't have any identity, I've spent my whole young adult life desperately searching for some kind of meaning, to have something to cling onto and give me motivation to live. And even with two daughters with whom I love very much, I'm still losing the will to live.
I'm not sure how much strength I have left to keep on with my transition, apart of me wants to wait and see what happens and maybe I will be surprise and find a life worth living on the other side. The problem is I'm so god damn tired now. Referencing Tolkien's work.. "I feel like butter spread over too much bread". And every day that goes by the sweat call of all this ending is enveloping me. It's almost like I'm already dead and my soul is halfway out but my body still clinging on to life reminding me of what I will never be.
What triggers me the most is seeing photos of children playing, young adults hanging out, at parties ect. I spent most of my childhood scared of the world so I never went out and experienced living. Seeing those photos are heavy reminder of what I never had.
My life can be understood as a building halfway through construction but the foundations weren't correctly laid. As time moves forward and the weight of life starts to push down on those foundations everything inevitably comes crashing down. Even if I become a women, I'll be a women that never had a childhood as a girl. An identity missing its core.
I'm ordering SN, I have found a source. Hopefully it gets through customs without getting flagged. I don't think I could deal with a welfare check. It will just end with me going to hospital again and that never helps.
For those who have taken the time to read this, thank you for hearing my truth. You're the only ones I trust with this before the end.
Maddie
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