"At least I am still alive" I am speechless

[noname223]

I am currerntly in this clinic. I have made a lot of new experiences but I don't have the time to post all of them. Soon I am out there and I am scared to relapse.

This clinic is for severe cases in crisis situations. Many of us are suicidal.

There is one person who crashes the total wreck meter. I am a total wreck too and they notice that. They are less strict with me when it comes to breaking rules. Still I try to be compliant as good as possible.

I could describe the person very vividly but maybe he would be too easy to identify. It is the same person I met years ago in that clinic. 4 years ago he explained to everyone that he planning to become chancellor of Germany and that he searches for an apartment in the capital. I tried to be respectful and I was that.

Now 4 years later he deteriorated so fucking much. It is terrifiying how much a person can be a wreck. I think his mental torment started when his former gf committed suicide when he was 20 years old. I ask myself whether that's the full truth/only reason. I am scared to deteriorate like him if I don't kill myself.

He is in a horrfying condition. He said sometimes he wakes up at night talks with his TV and thinks his TV was his dead mom and shit like that.
He barely has any teeth anymore. This must hurt like hell.

He is currently under a benzo withdrawal. I experienced that in a light version and it was insane pain.

So he comes to our group session. Many hours too late for our clinic start. I think literally anyone except him would be kicked out after that. Others were kicked out because of way less.

We are asked how we are doing. And then his response starts with "At least I am still alive..." It was very hard not to start laughing. (I was like "bro what the fuck" in my head) I kind of chuckled but had to suppress it. I think it is not good to make fun of him because he still feels like it was good when he is alive. It is just diametrical to my own situation, condition and feelings. I hope every single night I don't wake up the next day. And he in clear severe, longterm torture still iis glad to be alive? Do we belong to the same species? It feels insane to me. I have never seen a wreck like him. Holy shit. I cannot fathom how he still maintains a will to live. But something else that wonders me. He has a girfriend. How? I am kind of jealous. However, I hope things improve for him. I think he is no bad person. And I would interact more with him but honestly he smells horrible and disgusting and I am not sure why.

 

[noname223]

Today something new happened. I am not sure whether it is smart to be that explicit when I open up about that story.
He raged in a group therapy session and sort of insulted a staff member. Later in another therapy session he explained his anger and gave two reasons.
The first one which I will explain first was actually the second reason he gave. He said he was at a dentist and extremely shocked about the results. That's fair. I can fully understand that. At the same I wonder that he still does not get thrown out. At some point I was kind of worried he could become violent against the staff member.

The other reason was so fucking weird. At our music therapy session we once did not sing a certain strophe/verse of a certain song. The music therapy woman said it has slighty sexual connotation and this is why she does not want to sing it with us. And he said this incident made him extremely angry (that we did not sing the naughty strophe) and this is why he sort of insults another staff member. Like what the actual thing.

He is sort of a pervert I think. 4 years ago he talked with that very attractive staff member about his porn habits. It was not very explicit but awkward as fuck and disgusting.