At first, I said I wouldn't do it out of selflessness.

[nights5467]

"I could never do that to her," I'd think to myself. I wouldn't commit suicide, because it would hurt my mother too badly. I didn't want to inflict on her the pain of a child's death, the thoughts of how she should've stopped this, the lifelong grief that follows and the additional trauma that she would endure after a life already full of too much trauma.

I always knew I wanted to die, to reach eternal peace and end my suffering, I've had these thoughts for as long as I can remember. As I get older, the novelty and pleasures of the world slowly disappear, replaced with a sense of dread and misery about a life full of being forced to fit in boxes that I am not built for just to survive. In a world where you must be able to sacrifice most of your waking hours to perform tasks that make someone else money while paying you just enough to get by, with dwindling chances for upward mobility, it is hard enough for normal working class people to function and find happiness. For someone who is saddled with illness, it is impossible. I will never be able to hold down a job, to stay enrolled in school long enough to get a degree for a good paying job. I will never be organized enough to reach a long term or short term goal, I cannot help but chase pleasures that all make someone else money at the expense of my own success, I have no power, I have no control, I cannot stop it. It is, at this point in my life, with multiple years of evidence to confirm this, certain that I am incapable of changing myself as a person to fit the mold that both myself and society want me to be. I have proven time and time again that I cannot achieve, and this world is all about achievement.

Back to the "I could never kill myself to spare my mom the horror," sentiment, I feel I must now end my life to spare her the horror of slowly watching her son turn deeper into an addict. This way, the day will never come that my parents can no longer financially support me because I've become so old that it's unreasonable. My mom will be spared from years of what I now believe to be delusional optimism regarding my future prospects in life. She will not have to think to herself, "there's still a chance he could change, turn things around, get better," just to be disappointed again. She won't have to endure the chaos of living with a mentally ill adult leech who violates her privacy, steals her food and money, and contributes nothing to the household. She won't have to endure the pain of eventually doing things in the name of "tough love," like putting me out on the street out of hopes that I will "see how it really is and learn for myself," because ultimately negative circumstances and consequences have zero effect on my actions, I continue to do bad things without fail no matter what I try to do to control it.

All of this to say, my mother won't have to endure the slow crushing disappointment and loss of hope over time as I slowly inch towards an overdose or life in prison as I don't kill myself because "I couldn't inflict that pain on her." The truth is, alive or dead, I am inflicting vast amounts of psychological pain on her and if I end it all now, I spare her years of wasting resources on me and I can enable her to stop hoping for a lost cause to get better. I've given up on myself, but she won't give up on me, because all I have to describe my experience is words, and those don't do the job of conveying just how useless it is to try and reform me. I CANNOT CHANGE, I HAVE SPENT SO MUCH EFFORT AND ENERGY ON TRYING TO CHANGE, IT NEVER WORKS, I ALWAYS END UP WORSE OFF THAN I STARTED, AND I CAN'T GO ON LIKE THIS ANYMORE. I AM GETTING TO THE AGE WHERE THE EXPECTATIONS OF ME, WHICH APPEAR TO TOLERABLE FOR MOST OTHERS, ARE CRUSHING. I am not built for this world, I cannot survive in this world, it is stupid to think I can, and she needs to let me go.

 

[Shrooms]

"she needs to let me go". A statement a parent could never accept. i can only understand slightly how you feel but you as far as i can tell cannot understand your mothers pain. I'm not going to guilt trip you but i am going to try to open your eyes. Your mother sounds like she has already went to some deep spots with you, so first i know she's caring. Secondly i know she did what a mother is supposed to do based off the fact that you TRIED to change, and did it for her for the EXPECTATIONS OF YOU. I have a work friend, he's single, at his moms house, plays games all day and night, goes back to work. He to my knowledge is pretty fucking happy. Now what does this have to do with you? Well you still have a mother that sounds like she'd be willing to do the same but not only that YOU HAVE MEANING LEFT. YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE CHANGE. YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST, I SEE THAT, WE ALL DO, YOUR NOT HERE TO PASS, TO LEAVE, YOUR HERE CAUSE YOUR STUCK LIFE HAS SHOT YOU DOWN AND YOUR AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL YOU WANT TO MOVE BUT CAN'T. I SEE THAT, so i ask you to not give up just yet. i understand that your in a bad spot but just when you were a kid and your mother held you tightly in her arms to save you from your fears. i ask you again visit your mother, talk to her, hell let out some tears. Your trying, your putting forth the effort and its not being rewarded i see that. i have been kicked down more times than i can count. money issues, family, dad left, mental, addiction, but im not you i cant say im in a worse or better spot. im me and you know whats best for yourself so if you wish to take that action to say your done to "save your mother" the future guilt then you may. No ones stopping you BUT if you have those same feelings that you talked about for your mother please. please. Talk to her, ask her to understand and if you have to beg for help so that you can move forward in life. Last thing i only know what i read so if im wrong im sorry, if i misunderstood im sorry, but if what i read was a perfect repersentation of how you truly feel and it was right for me to say all this then you know what to do for yourself. I wish you the best friend, my mother is also my reason for staying i hope one day i will have the courage to fall into her arms but for me that day is too far in the future.