Help Asking Professors for Help

[pinkbluebutch]

I am a university student and find it very hard to complete academic work due to my suicidal thoughts and urges. I know it's my own responsibility to keep up with schoolwork but I'm sure many other depressed people also find this hard, because when you want to die fighting that urge is already so exhausting it leaves no time for school. Anyways, I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to reach out to professors for extra time or help with this, without trauma dumping or being too open with them. This is especially true since my university has a CARE reporting system where any time a professor hears a student is suicidal they have to report them (nothing really comes of it it's just office stuff). Anyways, I don't want to be too much but at the same time I feel like I need to communicate the severity of the impact my mental health has on me to validate my academic failures. Then again, it also partly feels all pointless. I don't know, and I'm just curious if anyone has any advice or experience with this they could share to help me sort things out.

 

[jinx <3]

I don't have advice or experience, but I definitely feel this same desire all of the time. I wish I could just tell people to give me more time for things because I'm feeling suicidal and can't handle it. I hope you find a solution to this, good luck with whatever you decide to do <3.

 

[forest_ice]

when i was still in school, professors had a ton of discretion about whether to give extensions or what not. the thing is that you usually have to tell them something about what's going on or otherwise provide documentation of disability. it really comes down to whether your excuse is good enough. that part is up to you and them

 

[pinkbluebutch]

when i was still in school, professors had a ton of discretion about whether to give extensions or what not. the thing is that you usually have to tell them something about what's going on or otherwise provide documentation of disability. it really comes down to whether your excuse is good enough. that part is up to you and them

Yeah I've noticed that too. I tried reaching out last semester and while he was definitely more lenient his reply was somewhat callous and made me sob for an hour because I felt hopeless and like a lost cause.

I don't have advice or experience, but I definitely feel this same desire all of the time. I wish I could just tell people to give me more time for things because I'm feeling suicidal and can't handle it. I hope you find a solution to this, good luck with whatever you decide to do <3.

It's hard, I feel like most people don't really understand how exhausting it is to be actively suicidal. Most people experience suicidal ideation as a temporary fleeting thought in a bad moment but for a lot of us it's more pervasive and takes all of your energy not to give in to those thoughts, and leaves you with nothing left to use for work or friends or school.

 

[forest_ice]

a slightly different tip though: the class size is also a function of whether they're responsive to less detail. the larger the class, the less a professor wants to consider excuses. when i was helping run a class of 300+ students, the professor gave extensions to anyone that sent an email, excuse or not. some professors just don't want to know. they bake that kind of policy into their syllabus so they don't have to care about what the excuses are. everyone is allowed some leniency.

i guess my actual advice is to just ask for the extensions with no context and see where it goes. also check your syllabus.

 

[the_path_of_sorrows]

Hey, I've got some experience with this. I've told some of my professors not so straightforwardly that I'm not feeling well; sleepy, too much work, mentally in a bad place etc (that's why I'm not performing great), I would be too paranoid to state that I wanna die. I told this one professor intuitively last year about this deeper wish as i could see that he was very much into death and nowadays we support each other. I would suggest stating something as innocent as just not feeling well and just going with the flow.

 

[pinkbluebutch]

a slightly different tip though: the class size is also a function of whether they're responsive to less detail. the larger the class, the less a professor wants to consider excuses. when i was helping run a class of 300+ students, the professor gave extensions to anyone that sent an email, excuse or not. some professors just don't want to know. they bake that kind of policy into their syllabus so they don't have to care about what the excuses are. everyone is allowed some leniency.

i guess my actual advice is to just ask for the extensions with no context and see where it goes. also check your syllabus.

Thank you, that's really helpful for sure. I may also look into asking for an incomplete because I know some professors will let you do that and then finish some assignments the next semester for credit depending on the circumstances. I thknk it's helpful that I've been able to prove I'm not stupid and have a concept of what we're working on in class, just really unmotivated.

What did you think of your experience with that class? I'm planning on being a teaching assistant next semester for a small-sized class (30ish students in discussion section) and am curious how your experience was as someone suicidal with that position.

 

[Abyssal]

I once put it like this.

"Hello professor _____,

I've been really enjoy the class so far because of [list three things you enjoy] and hope to continue to learn more. Unfortunately, due to circumstances I don't feel comfortable sharing, I've been having a lot of difficulty with my assignments. I'd appreciate if you could extend my due dates for [select assignments] by a few days so that I can be able to put my best into my work without falling behind. I am willing to work with you to create a schedule that will work for us both. Thank you for your time and happy holidays.

Abyssal"

Usually professors just say "yeah sounds good" or some one sentence response, but I have yet to receive a no.

Also a tip that got me through some of my toughest depression, work for ten minutes, rest for five, work for ten, rest for five, and do that over the course of an hour. It got my through a few essays.

 

[pinkbluebutch]

I once put it like this.

"Hello professor _____,

I've been really enjoy the class so far because of [list three things you enjoy] and hope to continue to learn more. Unfortunately, due to circumstances I don't feel comfortable sharing, I've been having a lot of difficulty with my assignments. I'd appreciate if you could extend my due dates for [select assignments] by a few days so that I can be able to put my best into my work without falling behind. I am willing to work with you to create a schedule that will work for us both. Thank you for your time and happy holidays.

Abyssal"

Usually professors just say "yeah sounds good" or some one sentence response, but I have yet to receive a no.

Also a tip that got me through some of my toughest depression, work for ten minutes, rest for five, work for ten, rest for five, and do that over the course of an hour. It got my through a few essays.

Wow, thank you, that's really great advice. I really like the way you worded that, and the work 10 rest five is much more doable I think than a lot of the goals I see online, i'll definitely be implementing that for next semester.

 

[forest_ice]

Thank you, that's really helpful for sure. I may also look into asking for an incomplete because I know some professors will let you do that and then finish some assignments the next semester for credit depending on the circumstances. I thknk it's helpful that I've been able to prove I'm not stupid and have a concept of what we're working on in class, just really unmotivated.

What did you think of your experience with that class? I'm planning on being a teaching assistant next semester for a small-sized class (30ish students in discussion section) and am curious how your experience was as someone suicidal with that position.

well i was being pushed to do a lot of work as that professor's "head" teaching assistant. i wrote a massive vent about it here if you care to read it: threads/vent-yet-another-year-in-review.144375

they did eventually move me to a smaller class (i think around ~100), and that professor's expectations of me were a lot more manageable.

 

[pinkbluebutch]

well i was being pushed to do a lot of work as that professor's "head" teaching assistant. i wrote a massive vent about it here if you care to read it: threads/vent-yet-another-year-in-review.144375

they did eventually move me to a smaller class (i think around ~100), and that professor's expectations of me were a lot more manageable.

Just finished reading your post and wow, sounds like you had a really rough year, sorry to hear about it :( It's not easy to live in a world where you don't fit their mold of what a person should be, I get it. I'm also a trans lesbian in the US, and I think your experience has affirmed my decision to take a gap year after graduation before attempting to go for a master's, because I don't think I'm mentally fit enough to handle all of that work. Out of curiosity, what made you want to get your phd? Part of me feels like the only reason I want a master's is because I don't have a clue what I want to do yet, and it would help me understand more and find direction (which is why I've decided on a gap year, as I don't want to go into debt without a clear goal for a master's program).

 

[forest_ice]

Just finished reading your post and wow, sounds like you had a really rough year, sorry to hear about it :( It's not easy to live in a world where you don't fit their mold of what a person should be, I get it. I'm also a trans lesbian in the US, and I think your experience has affirmed my decision to take a gap year after graduation before attempting to go for a master's, because I don't think I'm mentally fit enough to handle all of that work. Out of curiosity, what made you want to get your phd? Part of me feels like the only reason I want a master's is because I don't have a clue what I want to do yet, and it would help me understand more and find direction (which is why I've decided on a gap year, as I don't want to go into debt without a clear goal for a master's program).

back then, it felt like the sane option. i didn't want to be in the government or military and i hate capitalism enough that i didn't want to be in industry either. so...academia, yeah? it's pretty abusive. there are no good options.

i also really got the short straw in my research (and i forgot to mention it in the big thread). i was doing research related to public schools, and when i started, things were sane. then covid hit. then violent protests started happening around the us (i live in the us too) at school board meetings. and mine was actually the one being shown on national news! how the fuck would i defend my research to a bunch of angry rich white parents who think that trans people are grooming their kids? me losing funding wasn't the only thing that fucked everything up

 

[pinkbluebutch]

back then, it felt like the sane option. i didn't want to be in the government or military and i hate capitalism enough that i didn't want to be in industry either. so...academia, yeah? it's pretty abusive. there are no good options.

i also really got the short straw in my research (and i forgot to mention it in the big thread). i was doing research related to public schools, and when i started, things were sane. then covid hit. then violent protests started happening around the us (i live in the us too) at school board meetings. and mine was actually the one being shown on national news! how the fuck would i defend my research to a bunch of angry rich white parents who think that trans people are grooming their kids? me losing funding wasn't the only thing that fucked everything up

Academia is so difficult, you have to spend 90% of your career on the bottom doing the hardest work in the hopes of creating positive change, I would love to be an educator but with everything going on... it's part of why I'm not publicly trans tbh, I just can't do that kind of pressure. I'm sorry you didn't get a choice with your coming out, it's not fair. On a tangent, even though academia is supposedly meant to be safer for minority identity groups, I have found it's still full of bigots and awful people, especially at universities where they have tenure and refuse to retire.

 

[Little_Suzy]

You should go to the Students Disability Office and request academic accommodations, and make sure to include an extension on classwork.
I received ten accommodations by disclosing my ADHD diagnosis.

Today, you will need a note from your mental health practitioner (or any doctor) informing the professor that you require an extension on your assignments due to mental health interfering with your ability to complete classwork.

By law, the professor must provide an extension, which can range from a weekend to an Incomplete for the semester. Your professor cannot legally ask about your diagnoses. Just give them a doctor's note.


If I were you, I would officially request student accommodations, because you can use them for professional tests.

On my LSAT, I submitted my college accommodations and received 2.5 times, with a 20-minute break in between sessions.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Do you have an accommodations office? You can get official accommodations that don't disclose the condition you have, but requires professors to do something about it. Usually listed on the accommodations letter.

 

[nozomu]

Tell them you are having exacerbation of a health issue. You might be able to go to your schools health center and tell them you're struggling with illness at the moment.

Or you can try going to the hospital and warding yourself temporarily. They can provide notes for assignments.

You'll want to work with your schools office for disability too, to get accomodations

 

[pinkbluebutch]

You should go to the Students Disability Office and request academic accommodations, and make sure to include an extension on classwork.
I received ten accommodations by disclosing my ADHD diagnosis.

Today, you will need a note from your mental health practitioner (or any doctor) informing the professor that you require an extension on your assignments due to mental health interfering with your ability to complete classwork.

By law, the professor must provide an extension, which can range from a weekend to an Incomplete for the semester. Your professor cannot legally ask about your diagnoses. Just give them a doctor's note.


If I were you, I would officially request student accommodations, because you can use them for professional tests.

On my LSAT, I submitted my college accommodations and received 2.5 times, with a 20-minute break in between sessions.

Wow, I didn't realize how helpful accomodations could be. My older sisters both had them (they went to the same school I'm at now) but I know the university made them get an ADHD diagnosis from a specific practitioner and do stuff through the university as well to get accomodations, but maybe things have improved. It's definitely at least worth a shot so thank you for the encouragement.

 

[Little_Suzy]

Wow, I didn't realize how helpful accomodations could be. My older sisters both had them (they went to the same school I'm at now) but I know the university made them get an ADHD diagnosis from a specific practitioner and do stuff through the university as well to get accomodations, but maybe things have improved. It's definitely at least worth a shot so thank you for the encouragement.

All this time in school without academic accommodations? You have a medical record?

It can be any illness that negatively impacts learning, not only ADHD. Mental disorders, migraines, IBS, imsonia, etc. Get your meds since they are proof that you're undergoing treatment.

Struggling in math? Request dyscalculia testing. Your college can substitute your math courses depending on your major.

You know how in school students have IEPs? It requires an Education Assessment Test (EAT).

Your sisters presumably went to the University's psychology department for free or low-cost EAT testing. EATs are comprehensive evaluations and cost $2,000+ out of pocket.

You can use your own medical records or the school clinic psychiatrist can diagnose you. Speak with the Student Disability Office, then research your state's laws so you can advocate for yourself.

If you're having difficulty in school, this is the only way to be ADA-compliant, and protect your financial investment and GPA.