Venting Ashamed

[speck]

Those of you who have been here have seen me vent about my situation: I'm in love with a narc, we've been together for more than a decade, the stability of the relationship is in flux at all times- but I can't bring myself to leave.
Let me be a cautionary tale to any of you who are young, who decide to recover, who are on the fence about leaving your abusive relationship.
I recently graduated, and I followed my abusive relationship across the country to a new place where I know no one because my partner expressed renewed optimism and promises for the future. By the time we arrived, the tables had turned again and I was a burden, a regret and had "tricked" him. I had put my car in his care under duress and it was withheld from me for over a month. By the time the car arrived, a calm wind had blown and he loved me again. When I had no job prospects, he belittled what I contributed to the household in its stead. When I finally received a job, the wind blew again and he loved me and we should make expensive vacation plans and he would pay me back. I bet you can guess where we are now: after two weeks of new promises and new commitments, I am the person at fault for his decision to take all of those good things and discard them as being "built on lies". My single mild act of outward frustration has once again been a catalyst to strip away our good moments, to tell me I'm boring and unchallenging, I'm garbage and slime, I'm lazy and I never listen and I make him miserable and he will find someone so much better than me. In fact he will take those vacation plans we made for this weekend to go out of state and actively sleep with someone else to show me how little he cares for me.

If you are in a situation like this: leave before your brain turns into scrambled eggs and you find yourself constantly apologizing and begging for forgiveness and the return of the good version of your partner from the version of your partner who is actively psychologically abusing you. Go before you have to beg your partner not to cheat or to at least not leave you if they DO cheat. Go before you tell your partner the truth as a reflex, that you do not feel that you can not go on without them and you are now a villain too. Now you are also a jailor- are they here because they want to be? Now you are heartbroken- Are they taunting you with this information in subsequent fights as an effort of speeding up the process? Now you're a martyr- Will they be free and better and did you make them like this? Will your death be a salve for everyone? Is there no way that you can live and have harmony in this relationship?
This is what your brain will do- and you will do it without addressing the tangible, inexcusable facts that he is verbally abusing you, and that the abuse has turned physical and you have been battered over ten times this year with increasing unpredictability and blamed for it happening. Go before you are saying sorry to someone who hits you.

I could bear it if there were not the moments three days ago where he told me he was in love with me, that he was excited to buy dogs together, he wants to have a family with me and if we had to adopt that wasn't an issue. I know that the worst part of narcissistic abuse is living for the high, but even though I know the wind is going to change I still find myself trapped under the rubble everytime. I feel like I live with two people and I can't leave because I'm afraid to leave the good person behind.

I am ashamed that I can't go on without that good person. And now even though that person says I make them miserable, it's impossible to imagine leaving for anyones benefit. Every other part of the world feels empty without him. I literally can't go on. I am ashamed to be selfish in this way, I am ashamed that I couldn't listen to anyone here or my friends or my therapist and get out- I am ashamed that I want to die because I can not live like this and I can not live without this.

I am making plans for the end of the year, I am getting things together so that I can ctb. There is nothing beyond this for me and I can't outrun it or try to radically accept it or heal when everyday is a series of painful flashbacks and I know even my dreams will be haunted by him.

I am sorry. I am so sorry.

 

[ksp]

i'm so sorry for what you're going through, it's horrible; no one deserves this
i can't find any wards that might bring you some comfort…
i hope that somehow, you'll find peace

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. It makes me so angry that people are manipulated so much to become entangled with people like this. It's not your fault though. It was just bad luck meeting them. Yes, you could have left and it's very easy for everyone to say you should have but none of us really know what it's like to have been in your situation. They can be VERY convincing and VERY attentive from what I have heard until you are sucked in. I haven't had a partner like this but I did grow up with what I'm convinced was a narcissist and that was awful enough.

It doesn't sound like you are looking to 'get better' or get out of the relationship but if you do have a change of heart, or just need some validation on how you feel- I'd really recommend 'Live Abuse Free' on YouTube. She covers a lot of the behaviours there- although you likely have seen it all before.

I'm so sorry life has turned out this way for you and hope you can find peace and freedom- whatever you decide.

 

[Regen]

I feel really sorry for you. Because I deeply understand. I stayed 16 years. I dont know how I survived. I dont know how I leaved.

I found a friend who helped me to survive. She helped me in a Hidden way. He thoughts, that she liked him and so he was fine with this friendship. I visited coda-meetings. I gone to a sportsclub where I Met people who liked me. I gone to therapy.

Beeing in an parship with an narcisst or an other toxic person is very destroying. And it fucks your brain till death, I know.

I really wish and hope there will be an angel for you to help.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so awful being trapped in that situation. I'm sorry that you have to endure all this constant suffering, it's certainly a very cruel and painful existence that brings many people to the point of being so desperate to leave. But I hope that you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

That was a gut-wrenching read. Ugh. I'm sure I have nothing to add that you haven't already come across, but just in case...you say you don't imagine you can live with or without this person, so you plan to ctb. Why not try escaping first - if it turns out that you were right, you can follow through with your plans. But maybe, just maybe, you will be able to make it once you're out.

 

[pauly1963]

Those of you who have been here have seen me vent about my situation: I'm in love with a narc, we've been together for more than a decade, the stability of the relationship is in flux at all times- but I can't bring myself to leave.
Let me be a cautionary tale to any of you who are young, who decide to recover, who are on the fence about leaving your abusive relationship.
I recently graduated, and I followed my abusive relationship across the country to a new place where I know no one because my partner expressed renewed optimism and promises for the future. By the time we arrived, the tables had turned again and I was a burden, a regret and had "tricked" him. I had put my car in his care under duress and it was withheld from me for over a month. By the time the car arrived, a calm wind had blown and he loved me again. When I had no job prospects, he belittled what I contributed to the household in its stead. When I finally received a job, the wind blew again and he loved me and we should make expensive vacation plans and he would pay me back. I bet you can guess where we are now: after two weeks of new promises and new commitments, I am the person at fault for his decision to take all of those good things and discard them as being "built on lies". My single mild act of outward frustration has once again been a catalyst to strip away our good moments, to tell me I'm boring and unchallenging, I'm garbage and slime, I'm lazy and I never listen and I make him miserable and he will find someone so much better than me. In fact he will take those vacation plans we made for this weekend to go out of state and actively sleep with someone else to show me how little he cares for me.

If you are in a situation like this: leave before your brain turns into scrambled eggs and you find yourself constantly apologizing and begging for forgiveness and the return of the good version of your partner from the version of your partner who is actively psychologically abusing you. Go before you have to beg your partner not to cheat or to at least not leave you if they DO cheat. Go before you tell your partner the truth as a reflex, that you do not feel that you can not go on without them and you are now a villain too. Now you are also a jailor- are they here because they want to be? Now you are heartbroken- Are they taunting you with this information in subsequent fights as an effort of speeding up the process? Now you're a martyr- Will they be free and better and did you make them like this? Will your death be a salve for everyone? Is there no way that you can live and have harmony in this relationship?
This is what your brain will do- and you will do it without addressing the tangible, inexcusable facts that he is verbally abusing you, and that the abuse has turned physical and you have been battered over ten times this year with increasing unpredictability and blamed for it happening. Go before you are saying sorry to someone who hits you.

I could bear it if there were not the moments three days ago where he told me he was in love with me, that he was excited to buy dogs together, he wants to have a family with me and if we had to adopt that wasn't an issue. I know that the worst part of narcissistic abuse is living for the high, but even though I know the wind is going to change I still find myself trapped under the rubble everytime. I feel like I live with two people and I can't leave because I'm afraid to leave the good person behind.

I am ashamed that I can't go on without that good person. And now even though that person says I make them miserable, it's impossible to imagine leaving for anyones benefit. Every other part of the world feels empty without him. I literally can't go on. I am ashamed to be selfish in this way, I am ashamed that I couldn't listen to anyone here or my friends or my therapist and get out- I am ashamed that I want to die because I can not live like this and I can not live without this.

I am making plans for the end of the year, I am getting things together so that I can ctb. There is nothing beyond this for me and I can't outrun it or try to radically accept it or heal when everyday is a series of painful flashbacks and I know even my dreams will be haunted by him.

I am sorry. I am so sorry.

I have been exactly where you are right now. My Mother was a narcissist and so was my first girlfriend. I never found out that they were narcissists until later on in life. I knew in the beginning that there was something a bit wrong with them and just thought they were bad tempered and controlling, possessive etc. When I found out what a narcissist was it blew my mind, and described them perfectly. Only then did I see the full picture of how evil they really are. And when I say evil, I mean FUCKING EVIL !!! Do yourself a massive favour and stay the hell away from this narcissist. Do not tell them you are planning to leave. Do not tell them where you are going. If you do, then you could be putting yourself into danger. I know all too well from experience how dangerous narcissistic types can be.
Also the flashbacks WILL gradually fade. Trust me on this. I truly hope you manage to get out of this dreadful and extremely unhealthy situation.

 

[speck]

That was a gut-wrenching read. Ugh. I'm sure I have nothing to add that you haven't already come across, but just in case...you say you don't imagine you can live with or without this person, so you plan to ctb. Why not try escaping first - if it turns out that you were right, you can follow through with your plans. But maybe, just maybe, you will be able to make it once you're out.

I know you're probably right but I'm afraid. I don't have any family, this person was everything to me. Walking out is so destabilizing.