This can be a little longer than planned. So someone interested in my past with ASH but you know no one ever asked Why? why did I end up there? my 2nd ctb. 1987. What is follows is why I ended up at ash. alt.suicide.holiday. well part of it.
I was institutionalized for 10 months. I was in a State Hospital known as "Byberry". This is first time talk about this in almost 36 years with one exception when I spent 2 days talking to lawyers and State of Pennsylvania Health authorities.
The interview was part of a story on Byberry the survivors stories. I was put into that place because after being beaten stabbed and raped by a group of bi sexual thugs running the back alley streets in Philly I ran out of the medical ER unit and tried to ctb on the overhead train commonly called the El train. After being jumped again only hours after treatment in ER for stab wounds and revived they take me back! Locked up on temporary ward they question me and send me to "Bayberry" . This place is huge and the worst State hospital in the country at the time. It was closed down finally in the '90's. There I get to walk around a week long in thin gown and naked underneath. repeatedly ask for underware, bath, something for my feet.. They took my shoes and left me with socks but later took them because I tried to keep the door from locking with them so now weeks without anything on feet. It was fall and getting colder. Nights were terror due to the part time Prison program ward staff who were to watch us and if any problems let Dr on call know. Turned out there was none. Some women were raped, men got beat like me for asking to please give extra blanket I am freezing! I got hit because he said I asked too many times. Punched in face then tell dr in morning I started fighting with him when he tried to get me to go to my bed. The room with my bed was the size of college gymnasium with 50 bunk beds but there were 136 men in there. Figure the math and you see the problem I slept on floor many nights. Then there is the nurse with shots who did not care if she get it right or not just jam it in. Force the juice in and shove you off so she can do the next one. Then the Dr who tells me he will talk to night shift staff to make sure I have blanket and says I need to go have treatment tomorrow. It might help with seeing the rapist in dreams and hallucinations. What do you mean? Other Dr said they were flashbacks no meds can help with that. This Dr says we have new treatment will try it out tomorrow. Now I am scared and no idea what that means. That night more of same a quick slap and punch to "Remind me" other people need things too and I need to learn we have to wait for things. etc. Don't ask again .!! Nothing new. I am just wanting to escape or die and really both would be good. Starving food was terrible and bugs all over the place put into straight jackets and strapped to bed to keep you form getting up at night. Piss yourself then day shift blame you and get punished no breakfast because you wet the bed.
Next day take me into room and give me sedatives in a shot then put me on table remove clothes wait for Dr they say. Ok He come with cart and machine with wires clips electrodes ask me if I am feeling better and relaxed. Starts hooking up all the clips and I can't talk!!!! WTF!!! What you give me! Then connect wires to ear lobes head testicles toes hip and chest. They shocked me !! Over and over again.! I pass out. Wake in room isolation . The pain and confusion and unable to talk right for days. I want to die!!! Please let me die!!!! Kill me if I not allowed to do myself. Please! Please! Kill me!! They ask if I stabbed myself. But they have police report. means nothing. Abuse drugs 3 times a day and can't refuse well unless you want straight jacket again or maybe just skip dinner and strapped to bed again. Oh and even though I piss myself I think well now I get shower finally but no I get hosed down in mud room told get shower tomorrow. Mattress still wet sleep in . I try to cut throat twice but that just means more shocks drugs. They keep me from walking very good kind of like freeze up when try to walk terrible! Much more happened there. All I want is to die. Please let me die. Even pray for death. I try to fight yell at them but straight jacket and padded room for a day or two. Fighting , yelling at them this is wrong get you more trouble.
It goes on like that for 10 months no clothes most of time when need to wash they give towels but watch you whole time. Send young girls in to watch then these orderlies big guys come in throw clothes at you that don't fit. Tell 10 min get dressed see main hospital director and a family member. That was only time in there I got real clothes. The family member was sister who was totally shocked and yelling but they sent me back and she left. I really don't know what happened with that. Some of it just a blurr in my memory but I still have the scars from cuts torn testicle sack bad lung from Pneumonia I got there. when I got out they sent me to hospital near home. When they met me they were all apologizing and saying so sorry and the governor in Pa is going to shut it down. That place the place supposed to help you care for you listen to you and help you get better care for wounds still had from stabbing which got infected. Yeah that place is part of my Diagnosis of PTSD and Depression. I was so full of drugs and I didn't know what most were for. Haladol I did know and it was killing me slowly. Reason I couldn't walk right they said.
it take a lot to talk about this again in so many years. Sorry so long post. I can see that place now!! It has been waking me at night recently and seeing flashbacks of all the things that has happened through my life for that place to military to homeless and beatings again in shelter robbed of my shoes again. Fight to get them back and they arrest me!!! for fighting. !
Here is the proof of that place and yes it really happened. Myself and many others were in news and on tv because of this place. One woman's story is on internet she was there and survived too. But died few years after. Her mom keeps a site about her..
Just a sample of her mom's story about her. Anna. I think she was after I was there. But good story.
www.phillymag.com
Right now I don't know about making it to my ctb date because I don't want to see this place in my dreams again. Too real. Because it was real. If I don't come back here again I hope you all find what you are looking for and peaceful journey
I was institutionalized for 10 months. I was in a State Hospital known as "Byberry". This is first time talk about this in almost 36 years with one exception when I spent 2 days talking to lawyers and State of Pennsylvania Health authorities.
The interview was part of a story on Byberry the survivors stories. I was put into that place because after being beaten stabbed and raped by a group of bi sexual thugs running the back alley streets in Philly I ran out of the medical ER unit and tried to ctb on the overhead train commonly called the El train. After being jumped again only hours after treatment in ER for stab wounds and revived they take me back! Locked up on temporary ward they question me and send me to "Bayberry" . This place is huge and the worst State hospital in the country at the time. It was closed down finally in the '90's. There I get to walk around a week long in thin gown and naked underneath. repeatedly ask for underware, bath, something for my feet.. They took my shoes and left me with socks but later took them because I tried to keep the door from locking with them so now weeks without anything on feet. It was fall and getting colder. Nights were terror due to the part time Prison program ward staff who were to watch us and if any problems let Dr on call know. Turned out there was none. Some women were raped, men got beat like me for asking to please give extra blanket I am freezing! I got hit because he said I asked too many times. Punched in face then tell dr in morning I started fighting with him when he tried to get me to go to my bed. The room with my bed was the size of college gymnasium with 50 bunk beds but there were 136 men in there. Figure the math and you see the problem I slept on floor many nights. Then there is the nurse with shots who did not care if she get it right or not just jam it in. Force the juice in and shove you off so she can do the next one. Then the Dr who tells me he will talk to night shift staff to make sure I have blanket and says I need to go have treatment tomorrow. It might help with seeing the rapist in dreams and hallucinations. What do you mean? Other Dr said they were flashbacks no meds can help with that. This Dr says we have new treatment will try it out tomorrow. Now I am scared and no idea what that means. That night more of same a quick slap and punch to "Remind me" other people need things too and I need to learn we have to wait for things. etc. Don't ask again .!! Nothing new. I am just wanting to escape or die and really both would be good. Starving food was terrible and bugs all over the place put into straight jackets and strapped to bed to keep you form getting up at night. Piss yourself then day shift blame you and get punished no breakfast because you wet the bed.
Next day take me into room and give me sedatives in a shot then put me on table remove clothes wait for Dr they say. Ok He come with cart and machine with wires clips electrodes ask me if I am feeling better and relaxed. Starts hooking up all the clips and I can't talk!!!! WTF!!! What you give me! Then connect wires to ear lobes head testicles toes hip and chest. They shocked me !! Over and over again.! I pass out. Wake in room isolation . The pain and confusion and unable to talk right for days. I want to die!!! Please let me die!!!! Kill me if I not allowed to do myself. Please! Please! Kill me!! They ask if I stabbed myself. But they have police report. means nothing. Abuse drugs 3 times a day and can't refuse well unless you want straight jacket again or maybe just skip dinner and strapped to bed again. Oh and even though I piss myself I think well now I get shower finally but no I get hosed down in mud room told get shower tomorrow. Mattress still wet sleep in . I try to cut throat twice but that just means more shocks drugs. They keep me from walking very good kind of like freeze up when try to walk terrible! Much more happened there. All I want is to die. Please let me die. Even pray for death. I try to fight yell at them but straight jacket and padded room for a day or two. Fighting , yelling at them this is wrong get you more trouble.
It goes on like that for 10 months no clothes most of time when need to wash they give towels but watch you whole time. Send young girls in to watch then these orderlies big guys come in throw clothes at you that don't fit. Tell 10 min get dressed see main hospital director and a family member. That was only time in there I got real clothes. The family member was sister who was totally shocked and yelling but they sent me back and she left. I really don't know what happened with that. Some of it just a blurr in my memory but I still have the scars from cuts torn testicle sack bad lung from Pneumonia I got there. when I got out they sent me to hospital near home. When they met me they were all apologizing and saying so sorry and the governor in Pa is going to shut it down. That place the place supposed to help you care for you listen to you and help you get better care for wounds still had from stabbing which got infected. Yeah that place is part of my Diagnosis of PTSD and Depression. I was so full of drugs and I didn't know what most were for. Haladol I did know and it was killing me slowly. Reason I couldn't walk right they said.
it take a lot to talk about this again in so many years. Sorry so long post. I can see that place now!! It has been waking me at night recently and seeing flashbacks of all the things that has happened through my life for that place to military to homeless and beatings again in shelter robbed of my shoes again. Fight to get them back and they arrest me!!! for fighting. !
Here is the proof of that place and yes it really happened. Myself and many others were in news and on tv because of this place. One woman's story is on internet she was there and survived too. But died few years after. Her mom keeps a site about her..
Just a sample of her mom's story about her. Anna. I think she was after I was there. But good story.
They Survived Byberry
Twenty-five years after the notorious institution closed, former patients are living in the normalized community just fine. How one brave patient made it all possible.
www.phillymag.com
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