ASD, sn, and lies by pmission

[Reallyreallyreally]

I feel really frustrated. I'm looking at articles online talking about how there seems to be a link between autism and suicide, that autistic women are twice as likely as autistic men to attemptit and that prevalence overall is way higher than in the neurotypical population. They're always looking for a genetic link. A real control for the study would be large numbers of autistic people who don't carry around a lifetime of bullying and isolation. Neurotypicals would be suicidal too.

I'm in the middle of some workplace bullying. It absolutely makes me want to die. I have the sn sitting in my passenger seat. I don't have the other stuff that goes with it but I have eight ounces of it. It's more than enough.

My therapist asked today whether I've been collecting supplies to kill myself. I tried to lie but I only made it like 20 seconds before I busted myself out because I can't do it! I can only seem to lie by not mentioning something. Lie by omission. I don't want to be hospitalized so I downplayed it by pointing out that it really doesn't matter whether I have it in my van or not, that all I have to do is go to the welding supply store during open hours. I told her I always have some stuff in my home but that I have no complete sets, that I feel better when I have some stuff, and that if I don't have a complete set how is that different from having nothing at all?


In the meantime I feel like I'm going to implode and explode at the same time. I just want this feeling to go away. I was walking in the wood yesterday and today thinking that if I die somewhere beautiful then I don't mind dying at all.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It really bothers me that your therapist has so much emotional power over you and dangles the power to have you psychiatrically incarcerated.

I take ownership of my feelings. I do not expect or desire that you own them too. My reactions are mine.

If I were in your situation, I would want power. I would want my therapist to serve me in supporting me to develop life skills and personal empowerment. I would want to state a boundary, and for her to show me the respect for and acknowledgment of my autonomy by accepting it.

My boundary would be, in writing: You no longer have permission to ask about plans or intentions to end my life. The topic is permanently closed for discussion unless I introduce it. I have the right to direct my own therapy, and I have the right to choose another provider if you disagree with the boundaries I have placed here.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

No, no, no. She doesn't dangle anything. I think it just comes across that way because I used to be a mandated reporter and so the knowledge of how it works combined with the way I tend to ruminate and catastrophize makes it seem that way. She asks because I'm frequently on the verge. She's actually pretty intuitive because she only asks when I'm there. I've only been hospitalized the one time I took myself there voluntarily. The fact that she doesn't do that is the only reason I've been able to see her so long.

And in any case, I'm not there involuntarily. I guess if this is how I'm coming across I should close my account after all. I guess I'm not representing things clearly. I don't want to do things wrong anymore.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It didn't seem like you're there involuntarily.

You've brought up several times your discussions with her around ctb, and you often seem to have stressful feelings in relation to that, but I can see now that it's perhaps not directly related.

Communication helps to clarify things. I feel like it's extreme to view it as doing something wrong that you need to clarify when it's in fact very human to need to, I hope you can see that it's okay. Are you able to see the you're having an extreme reaction and do you have tools for managing it? I hope you do.

 

[Reallyreallyreally]

I'm just trying to figure it out. I didn't realize I was being extreme. I don't think I can do this anymore.