That does sound a lot like me. You're extremely firm on your critical beliefs of yourself, it's surprising even to me - "I'm very impulsive", "can't defend myself" and the others!
So the ADHD meds reduced your aggression? And the meds prevented you defending yourself as a result? (Which made you resentful)? Sorry, I'm beyond stupid at times.
Humiliation might be a part of it for me but it's other things too, like feeling like you could be homeless at any time!!!
Oh yeah, unfortunately, I'm extremely self-critical. So you're very self-critical, too? I think it' s hard to get this aspect under control. Advices like "don't be so harsh on yourself" or "be more compassionate with yourself" sound very good in theory, but are very difficult to implement in everyday life.
Vyvanse, which I take as a medicine, reduces my impulsiveness and helps me to use my aggressions more purposefully. If I do not take any medication, then I am so impulsive that I regularly freak out in front of my family and insult other family members. I then feel no aggression or anger at all towards strangers and especially towards bullies, because I dissociate completely (probably as self-protection against impulsive outbursts of anger). I do not defend myself because I do not feel any sense of injustice during a bully situation. But I usually feel intense cold anger about 1-2 days after a personal attack. The many personal attacks have made me more and more bitter.
I started Vyvanse only a year ago and of course it doesn't work miracles, especially because I haven't taken any medication at all for 26 years. But the reduced impulsiveness improves my social skills, because I don't interrupt other people anymore and listen to them better. And through better control of aggression, I mostly feel the anger already during the situation and can use it to stand up for myself. Of course, this doesn't always work, especially with really malicious people, because the victim role is a well-established behavioral pattern in my life. However, it's better with medication than without.
I'd say I feel more aggression with the drug, but I can control it better. I' m no longer a volcano that may be quiet right now, but can erupt at any time.
