Discussion are you paranoid that people might discover your intention to ctb?

[ecmnesia]

i literally can't stop thinking that someone at home will find my things, or see through me before i get the chance to ctb. honestly, i probably even am looking suspicious now to them.

does the same happens to anyone here? how do you cope?

i don't know what'd do if they found out. running away sounds pointless, but I'd had no other option, i guess.

 

[Nymph]

I'm scared that my things will be taken away because it wasn't easy getting all the supplies so I don't want to lose them. They're my source of stability right now, i need to have them just to have them and feel better

 

[WornOutLife]

Well, my parents caught me when I failed to CTB and now it's really difficult to win their trust back. They know I wanna CTB but, little by little, I get small glimpses of freedom.
Once I'm free 100%, I'm sorry for my family but, I'm gone.

 

[Deleted member 23374]

No but i think my family suspects and understands. Still taboo though. =/

 

[Weary Soul]

I am, but only because I would then be at the mercy of the system and my abuser(s), lose what little autonomy I currently have, and likely be subjected to even more abuse.

In my case, I live alone, so I am not fearful that someone will find anything suspicious, but one thing I do is to never say a word to anyone, ever in real life about my plans and to put on a fake smile if/when I have to.

<3

 

[k75]

Not at all. Perks of having your own place. Nobody is going to know unless I tell them, and nobody is going to just stumble on my supplies.

My main concern is failing. That's when things might become difficult for me. I'm not a multiple attempter, and I only intend to do this once.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

My family knows I don't want to stay so I think they understand a little bit why. They also know I'd rather do it my way than exit accidentally unintentionally. So do they suspect? Perhaps. It's not something we talk about.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Not really, although if for some unforeseen reason my guns get taken from me I'd be seriously pissed.

 

[SuicideRed]

I live alone. If and when I go, it will be unremarkable...

 

[imjustanemptyshell]

I've attempted before so yea my family suspects I guess. And it's hard to mask all the emotions with ctbing. So yea I'm scared.

 

[NodusTollens]

Living "alone" I don't fear a thing with regards to my stash being found; however, I am a renter, so due to thin walls (I tend to think out loud to fill the silence) I worry the other tenant will hear me singing songs about CTB or my babbling on about the futility of life. Don't want them to wise up to my plans.

As for my "circle," I have a tendency to go radio silent when just I can't do it anymore, be a functioning adult. So I've had friends showed up out of the blue to check on me.

I've learned over the years, play your part &they're none the wiser. I can smile, I can laugh... but is it ever more than an act?

 

[ecmnesia]

I've learned over the years, play your part &they're none the wiser. I can smile, I can laugh... but is it ever more than an act?

wow. that line. just wow. well written.

 

[Kat!]

A bit. I had a run in with higher-up law enforcement here, so I'm probably on their watchlist but, the only thing I get worried about is being committed.
If I get committed I'll lose my access to firearms forever, unless I can expunge it from my record which can take years.

I don't have anything on my record besides a voluntary because the thing they wanted to pin me for had inadequate evidence. Also my school fucked up hard time.
I kinda wish I had gone to jail though, would probably be better off locked away.

 

[AutoTap]

Happened yesterday and they took my SN away and poured it down the drain. Now they're on really high alert. I'm still miserable and suffering. Literally ran to bathroom few mins ago to throw up from anxiety. Like I don't want to live like this anymore

 

[ecmnesia]

Happened yesterday and they took my SN away and poured it down the drain. Now they're on really high alert. I'm still miserable and suffering. Literally ran to bathroom few mins ago to throw up from anxiety. Like I don't want to live like this anymore

fuck i'm so sorry

 

[VisionsOfHell]

Yes, its why I havent ordered SN and meto yet. I dont want to get tortured in a psych ward, so I might have to stick with partial.

 

[MindFog]

Yes before i was scared out of my wits. But now well..
They already know. They do not care. I think it's because i look incompetent in their eyes. I wouldn't be able to do such a thing.
I had a roll of nylon rope just sitting under our sofa for a year now and no one noticed. It's absurd.

I guess being infantilized has its benefits too.

 

[NodusTollens]

Happened yesterday and they took my SN away and poured it down the drain. Now they're on really high alert. I'm still miserable and suffering. Literally ran to bathroom few mins ago to throw up from anxiety. Like I don't want to live like this anymore

Sorry to hear that love, I can't imagine what you must be feeling. :/ I hope despite how things feel right now, that you know you're not alone. You've got us.

 

[demuic]

That's one reason why I haven't bought SN, even though I'm very concerned about whether it will still be available or not in the next few years. I'm now back at home and I have nowhere to hide it, my mom goes through all of my stuff.

 

[degeneratewaste]

luckily for me, in that regard, I live on my own so no one will find out unless I personally let slip. but sometimes I get the feeling that I almost want people to check if I'm okay. I don't know.

 

[ecmnesia]

That's one reason why I haven't bought SN, even though I'm very concerned about whether it will still be available or not in the next few years. I'm now back at home and I have nowhere to hide it, my mom goes through all of my stuff.

can relate, i only bought it before setting a date because I was scared they'd restrict it. sorry that you are in this situation as well

luckily for me, in that regard, I live on my own so no one will find out unless I personally let slip. but sometimes I get the feeling that I almost want people to check if I'm okay. I don't know.

you think you still want to recover? if that's so, maybe you should give it a shot, reach out for someone who cares about you.

 

[NodusTollens]

can relate, i only bought it before setting a date because I was scared they'd restrict it. sorry that you are in this situation as well

Ugh, same. If it were 50 years ago...*sigh*

 

[degeneratewaste]

you think you still want to recover? if that's so, maybe you should give it a shot, reach out for someone who cares about you.

my situation is kind of fucked with recovery sadly. I have tried for nearly 8 years to get help. for 5 of those years I got completely ignored and told to go away. for 2 of them I got thrown SSRIs without therapy which was illegal for my age, which didn't help at all, and now I'm at the worst point ever I reached out again with the last of my energy, got referred to mental health team and they speak to me for like 20 minutes once every 3 weeks which does absolutely nothing, makes me feel worse actually since they know I'm at the brink of killing myself. it feels hopeless, I would not get any help unless I actually made a serious attempt and even then that's debatable. my country's mental health care sucks complete ass so basically I'm trapped. also sorry I just realised I'm clogging the thread with my stupid ranting.

 

[ecmnesia]

Ugh, same. If it were 50 years ago...*sigh*

through the years it will only get harder and harder to die, while mental health support won't evolve at all. not sure why people value life so much, but whatever

my situation is kind of fucked with recovery sadly. I have tried for nearly 8 years to get help. for 5 of those years I got completely ignored and told to go away. for 2 of them I got thrown SSRIs without therapy which was illegal for my age, which didn't help at all, and now I'm at the worst point ever I reached out again with the last of my energy, got referred to mental health team and they speak to me for like 20 minutes once every 3 weeks which does absolutely nothing, makes me feel worse actually since they know I'm at the brink of killing myself. it feels hopeless, I would not get any help unless I actually made a serious attempt and even then that's debatable. my country's mental health care sucks complete ass so basically I'm trapped. also sorry I just realised I'm clogging the thread with my stupid ranting.

don't worry, really. this is a space for anyone to vent if it pleases them, it's not about me and I'm glad that you trust this forum to the point where you are able to talk about your feelings. that's what this place is for.

although that helps with absolutely nothing, I am deeply sorry for the way they've been mistreating you, you do not deserve to have your despair and pain disregarded like this, no matter your age, ethnicity, nationality or anything for the record. mental health should be avaiable for everyone, even more for those that like you are seeking for help.

I am afraid I can't offer you anything but my compassion, but I'm here if you need to talk. If I could I'd hug you. You deserve better.

 

[NodusTollens]

through the years it will only get harder and harder to die, while mental health support won't evolve at all. not sure why people value life so much, but whatever

Cheers to that.
More & more people are suffering with no clear cut means of assistance in anything other lifelong imprisonment in a life we didn't choose without improvements or supports.