I don't feel I love anyone in real life only parasocially
Hmm, as a person who wears their heart on their sleeve and has been in many relationships (I'm a guy in my 30's) I can honestly say that being single or in a relationship where my love wasn't reciprocated or my partner was unfaithful (only happened twice but was devastating) are the times I am happiest. Somebody I can truly be myself around and let my guard down is where I am most at home. Sadly, most women I have been with took advantage of this to get their way and I lost a lot of say in the relationships because I feared losing them. Then when they left I'd be a complete mess.
I've had two "successful" relationships out of many that lasted over 5 years and one that lasted around 3 years, and a lot that lasted anywhere from 3-6 months and in regards to the longer relationships they generally failed because I got too comfortable, I knew I was good looking and a good talker but I lacked emotional intelligence and couldn't see the cues when they happened and when I could things were generally too late because most women checked out by the time things started going downhill.
I blame some of the failures on me being too open about my thoughts and emotions, I can be too straightforward about such things while I have the opposite problem when it comes to more tangible things.
I just grow too content when the house is in good shape, the bills are paid, there are groceries in the fridge, and there are regular date nights and sex. I lacked spontaneity which I've learned many women require but I failed to offer. Also, many I dated tended to be quite awful with budgeting and I feel as though the excess spending was either a way to make things more interesting as stress mixes things up a bit, or was a way to milk me of some money while looking for the next "Mr. Right' before leaving when finding him and then repeating the process.
But yes, love is extremely vital to me and without it I tend to be at my lowest, I basically require companionship and regardless of how long I take time for myself that void just grows and grows until I kind of shut myself out from the world before I find someone new who will usually just leave me once I bring up my feelings because I tend to put everything out there and most people (even those who have been suicidal) tend to just immediately suggest therapy or pills and when I tell them I've been down that road multiple times they distance themselves from me.
