Are you able to mask your suicidality?

[whotookmylexapro]

Common symptoms are usually little interest in anything, flat affect, distancing, unable to hold down a job or failing school, messy/ lack of hygiene.

Ive been trying so hard to keep it together while dealing with my mental illness, psychosis, and suicidal ideation. But i feel like the walls are crashing down slowly.

College is starting again and im literally a mess. I can barely manage to maintain proper hygiene, eat meals regularly, do homework, get to class on time and do other adult things like getting gas or pay bills. Yet i still put on a brave face and try to make it through eagh day like im normal

I dont know how much longer i can sustain myself. I dont want to become a neet but i also cant handle all these responsibilities. Im so stressed out.

 

[Cyagangy]

I'm hiding it pretty well. People just think I'm lazy or bored all the time, I love it.

 

[Labyrinth]

You need to have someone you can be honest with to maintain the social mask without slipping. If I were vehemently suicidal, I wouldn't even try to hide it (except in cases of danger of restricting my choice)

 

[Karl Heisenberg]

For me, it depends in what stage of suicidalness you are. I tried to hide the symptoms before my first real attempt to kill myself but I failed obviously. I tried literally everything I had avaible. Hanging, overdosing, cutting my own veins... and yet I am still here. And after all that you are about to start realise that you just can't die. It is horrible feeling. You are going crazy in that moment. Because I am autist with no friends, I started to share and make jokes about my suicide plans and attempts to my schoolmates and online friends. I was basically just crying for help. But nobody cared, they just ignored it or had nothing to say. Then one day I desperately shared my feelings to one of my teachers. Well, she obviously told that to the principal, which called to my parents and then I was exposed. I went to the psych hospital (that place was obsolutely terrible) and after 14 days I came out with even worse feelings that I had before. Now I am thinking of buying a historical shotgun (which is legal in my country) and just blowing my head off.

 

[Moniker]

I had this roommate in college who picked up on a lot of my habits (binge eating, sleeping in all day, cutting off other friends, etc.), but no one took him seriously when he mentioned it.

I've got a great deal of control over who is able to see me in person now, so I've been able to mask flawlessly for a few years. I think that if I finally go through with my plans, then it'd be extremely unexpected.

 

[Mlifos & Sitoa]

I think my mom and my friend are suspected about it but I guess they believe I can't do it. They keep ask questions about my future plans but man, I don't have any idea! I just wanna die, I'm too lazy to do anything for my life.

 

[Privateer2368]

Only my best friend has any idea it's even an option and even she isn't aware of the Plan.

I'm trying to make her think I'm getting better, just because such terrible things have happened to her lately and I don't want to hurt her more.

I know my death will hurt her, but I want to mitigate what I can.

 

[cowboypants]

i think im hiding it decently now. My parents are in denial about my mental health issues.

The only issue sometimes being suicidal triggers my depressive episodes, which honestly looks confusing to everyone other than a psychiatrist/ psychologist prolly. Even i thought it was only fever

Apart from that It used to be hard during my college days I had like over 20 backlogs i couldnt even share it online like here

 

[grungy自殺]

I'm hiding it pretty well. People just think I'm lazy or bored all the time, I love it.

That's very much me, unfortunately....

Especially social awkwardness that i have.

 

[Forever Sleep]

There aren't all that many people around me to notice. I imagine they know I'm unhappy but, not the extent. Now and again I slip a bit and it really worries my Dad but I think it's too much for him to acknowledge how I really feel so, he just tends to see it as a bad patch which 'everyone gets'. Which is better really. No point in worrying him. There's nothing he can do.

What's troubling is, it is getting harder to mask. These angry, resentful, antinatilist, suicidal thoughts are with me most of the day. If I happen to be stressed with work when he rings, it's hard to keep up the facade. It's gotten to the point where I kind of dread talking to him. I really don't know how people cope if they have to be around people a lot. It must be exhausting to pretend to be ok the whole time.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

Not anymore, no. It's like trying to keep a lid on an exploding volcano.

 

[SoulWhisperer]

Trying to hide my feelings properly has proven to be harder than I expected however I don't think it's impossible. Maybe I just need to carefully think about my actions and try to keep whatever is inside of me at bay. Although sometimes I'm so stressed out I wish I could just yell how I truly feel since I'm treated as if I'm just "lazy". No I'm not lazy, I am not inactive in life because I'm lazy it's because I fucking can't stand society anymore.

 

[bluegodism]

i don't know. i would say yes. at least for the family, who apart from my mother don't even suspect that i have depression.

 

[Tarrasque]

Most of the time I hide it, occasionally it's impossible to hide. People don't really know what to do if you tell them.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Mask is on firmly. My therapist vaguely knows. No one else. But how could it be any other way. Been suicidal most of my life but without serious attempts. Had a few decades to practice pretending to be okay.

Oh. My cats know.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

I'm able to hide it very effectively. I'm used to hiding a lot of things in my life because I'm used to people not caring or reacting poorly regardless of the topic. I essentially have a "normal persona."

 

[null_blank]

I've been feigning excitement with middling success. With my upcoming nuptials it makes sense that it would be clouded with a smidge of nerves.

 

[Amidaa]

i'm doing my best to not let people around me notice it but it do slipt from time to time but i just try to play it off.
and most people around me don't really pick anything up because most of the time they just think im a negative person or some just ignore it.
also im not really someone that talk much any ways i just start to talk much if im drunk mostly thats why i always try not to drink around people.
but it do be hard lately that is why i just avoid people and familie only talk if i need to and be around people if i really need to.

 

[nattanatta]

I've always been able to hide it pretty well whenever I wanted to – up until this point. Now I'm closer to death than ever and I think that's becoming increasingly clear to others, even though I'm doing my best to keep up the pretence.

 

[Gone soon]

I try to, but I think the people who are close to me like my parents or my few friends know that I am suicidal and that I will try to ctb again. Especially my dad who found me almost dead when I was 15 is suspicious
I try to, but I think the people who are close to me like my parents or my few friends know that I am suicidal and that I will try to ctb again. Especially my dad who found me almost dead when I was 15 is suspicious
I try to, but I think the people who are close to me like my parents or my few friends know that I am suicidal and that I will try to ctb again. Especially my dad who found me almost dead when I was 15 is suspicious

 

[brokeandbroken]

Common symptoms are usually little interest in anything, flat affect, distancing, unable to hold down a job or failing school, messy/ lack of hygiene.

Ive been trying so hard to keep it together while dealing with my mental illness, psychosis, and suicidal ideation. But i feel like the walls are crashing down slowly.

College is starting again and im literally a mess. I can barely manage to maintain proper hygiene, eat meals regularly, do homework, get to class on time and do other adult things like getting gas or pay bills. Yet i still put on a brave face and try to make it through eagh day like im normal

I dont know how much longer i can sustain myself. I dont want to become a neet but i also cant handle all these responsibilities. Im so stressed out.

Yes. I mean I'm autistic so wearing a social mask is the story of my life. So masking depression/suicidality piece of cake.

Though to be fair I also don't have to. No one gives a shit. Unless I actively did something to force someone's hand to do something no one would. I'm someone people just don't care about.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

Used to at least attempt to hide it- now I really don't care.

It's funny, I used to try and pretend to act "normal" for acquaintances and friends, even if I didn't do a great job, ten or five years ago …put on a mask. Now after COVID, I just don't care.

I think my mental state just got worse too.

 

[korra]

I think I do a fine job overall... But I have my breaking point however those were very few, the biggest one was probably when I was in the army and I told my mom I'm thinking about it. I shared my true feelings with an army psychologist but she seemed like she doesn't wanna hear about it, In the end she wasn't really trying to help me or anything she just told me "so what you want to do leave the army for good or continue and we'll see how you bear with it?"... I had a few leaks here and there but overall I don't think someone is suspecting me right now although back in the day I'm sure my parents did suspect me, one time few years ago my father noticed scars on my left arm, I cut few days earlier and I just told him that I got scratched while working or something like that I'm not sure he buys that but I can say for sure he isn't suspecting me now although even right now I have leftovers from cutting last week...

 

[nan0]

i tell people that i want to kill myself but i pretend that its a joke lol. ive told people about my previous attempts before and they also just take it as a joke. these people are half the reason i want to attempt again. lol

 

[weeabug]

I must be good at it because I'm high masking austisic, but even when I asked for help (medication review for my antidepressants), the psychiatrist instead took me off them altogether because apparently you can't be depressed if you can get dressed and go to work. No one I've told cares because they don't think I'll do it

 

[VentureOverwatch]

I successfully hid it for 6 months straight of mandatory 7 days a week overtime, but the mask has been broken. The constant anxiety, the near daily panic attacks, the thoughts of CTB, I think I obviously look miserable now and people make comments about how tired I look.

 

[etherealspring]

i have difficulties hiding it. living is already tiring enough as it is. y would i go out my way to feel even more drained? i dont rlly care if a miserable attitude pushes ppl away or whatever. im just numb, empty and so, so tired. acting normal seems impossible

 

[Cress]

Honestly you don't have to really try that hard to hide symptoms of suicide most people won't notice. If you were someone important to them after you're passing it's very common however for them to notice your behavior as being obvious of suffering from something. If you're extremely disorganized people just assume that you're incompetent not that you're Suffering from a debilitating condition.

 

[SteamaHorns]

I'm somewhat convinced that I somehow just naturally don't appear suicidal or depressed because no one seems to be able to tell that I am lol. I do try to hide it but know for a fact that I've ended up letting it subtly bleed into my tone and behavior on many ocassions. The only time when I've explicitly told someone about attempting, they scolded me for making a bad joke. Obviously there's a chance that the person knew I was telling the truth and was just too scared to admit it, instead opting to convince themself that it was a joke, but I can't say for sure. Honestly though, I'm glad that no one's seemed to notice my state and I regret trying to tell the person about my attempt.

 

[eden101]

barely. i'm not very functional anymore