Discussion Are you able to feel pity for people who have hurt you?

[Forever Sleep]

To put it into context, I'm pretty sure I grew up with a narcissist. They are the primary reason I first had suicidal thoughts. For many years and honestly- even now, I find it hard to even really view them as a person with a history. I think- sometimes someone's actions are so vicious and hurtful- you don't really see why you should do them the courtesy of wondering why they behave/d like they do/did. Especially when it comes to excusing them.

How about you? For people who have been bullied or abused- do you ever wonder why that person became like that? If they reacted that way out of trauma in their own lives? Do you ever try to forgive or even pity them?

I'm not really sure it's about forgiveness as such- for me anyhow. I don't think it's that I do or don't recognise allowances for how they were- I'm not entirely sure for one. I don't feel the need to have this person in my life anymore (thankfully) so, I guess I don't feel the need to feel very much towards them at all. I certainly think they're toxic though- and best avoided at all costs.

Still- I guess I do wonder sometimes what it's like to be them. Did they truly believe their own lies? Are they still lieing now about things? Are they still abusing people now? Even though they may pretend to be super successful and happy- are they really? It can't be fun walking around with so much hate inside. In my case- this person used to play the victim all the time. Do they really believe that they are a victim? In which case- that can't be all that fun either.

What are your experiences though? I know quite a few members here feel like they have narcissistic parents. That has to be a whole lot more complicated. It was actually reasonably straight forward for me to be able to cut this person out of my life. (I'm sure they're just as grateful for that- they hated my guts. Although- if I'm right and they really were/are a narcissist- I wonder if they ever found someone as suitable to pick on. I must have unknowingly given so much emotional response to them.) I imagine with a parent though- it's much harder to do that. I'm guessing there does have to be more in the way of figuring out why they're behaving like they are. Almost to try and not take it personally maybe.

 

[(¥)]

the "persons" who abuse me try ti
make theur actiobs a statement. everyy detaio if life must have a stayement to share on public because experienced persons tell them to. do not have pity fir them if thry participate in "parhetic" actions ti.

 

[nerve]

Not yet. Maybe a little with my mother, since she's at least acknowledged that she wasn't great with me and would do things differently if she had another chance.

Maybe one day I can forgive her and my other major abuser if I ever reach a point that their actions donn't permeate literally every part of my life. I blocked out a lot of my memories/emotions related to the Big Abuse from ages 7 to 17 and this abuser and I were basically best friends during those 10 years. I do wonder if he feels some kind of loss or regret.

 

[Crono]

I forgive everyone completely but only if the suffering caused was by mistake or without real intent to do harm. It is impossible for me to forgive if it was harm done with the conscious intention of causing suffering.

In my personal opinion, forgiving someone who causes so much harm is not being a good person or having mercy, but rather a way of invalidating suffering and trying to justify evil.

 

[Celerity]

Yes and no. I have a coworker who is the definition of a toxic personality, and she can make my shifts miserable, but I also can very clearly see that she is her own worse enemy. Due to how much suffering she is causing herself, it has not been difficult to pity her.

When I think about other people who have wronged me as an adult, I can also see how they are suffering too and just trying to get by as best as they can.

However, when I think of a teacher I had in elementary who was an actively malignant personality in my life, it is hard for me to feel much sympathy. I just can't wrap my head around how a fully grown adult would feel an emotional drive to emotionally abuse children under their care. He went out of his way to humiliate me and my friends and make our lives extremely difficult, even going so far as to arbitrarily change my grades and manipulate me into not telling my parents about his completely batshit behavior. His was a level of hateful and pathetic that I cannot empathize with no matter which way I look at it. I can rationalize how his home life must have been to produce such an A-tier piece of shit, but without knowing anything about him, all I have is how he made me feel with no rational explanation or mitigating factors. I have also heard through the grapevine in my smallish community that he has been emotionally abusive with the adults in his life too. He never got better.

 

[Pluto]

It's a good question. I think there are two sides to it.

Intellectually, it's easy enough to understand the link between various genetic and environmental conditions that lead to a Dark Triad personality. There's usually a tragic tale of childhood torment that led to the brain severing its ability to empathise with others, inevitably resulting in an emotional black hole that relies on ongoing predation to meet its superficial needs. Nothing about the situation is enviable and pity is an appropriate response.

Viscerally, however, the intellectual understanding cannot overcome the rage at the worst possible injustice. I'm talking about a parent who brings a child into the world for the purpose of enjoying tormenting them, while feigning confusion and innocence to outsiders. Watching their own offspring slowly die inside, all the while gaining a sadistic entertainment out of it. Quietly covering up evidence of the abuse and spreading lies to outsiders to ensure support for the victim is denied.

It's been over 2 decades of desperately fighting to recover, only to be resigned to my fate. He's been pampered his whole adult life due to his talent for charming and controlling people to his whim, while I've been left to slowly rot alive. There's enough rage to bludgeon him to death, though that would make me the bad guy. I thought if I survive long enough, he'd die of natural causes, but instead my own time is running out. I can never forget his smug smile.

Meanwhile, an historical example I like to use is Joseph Stalin. He had to endure an abusive, alcoholic father. After rising to lead the Soviet Union, he initiated campaigns of mass starvation, torture and murder impacting tens of millions of his own people. Many horrors of modern day DPRK and Russia are echoes of his leadership. Surely at some point there's something more to it than pitying that his daddy didn't love him. Unless we argue that he's the victim of an insane world that did nothing to stop him.

 

[suicidalloser]

absolutely not. why would i sympathize with the twisted individuals who thrive off hurting me?

 

[cgrtt.brns]

in a way, yes. i pity that their minds are/were so warped into thinking a certain way causing them to act a certain way. it doesnt excuse what they did, and i dont think ill ever forgive them

I'm not really sure it's about forgiveness as such

for me at least, its more about acceptance for my own sanity. trying to figure out why they did a certain thing. it helped me reframe my idea that i deserved or was doomed to be treated that way if that makes sense. i dont accept what they did, more that i accept it was inevitable to happen just because of their history etc. and my circumstances resulting in them being in my life. idk if any of that made sense of was even relevant sry my brains foggy today

 

[sulli]

nope

 

[liljeep]

No way. I would not help either of the two women who ruined my childhood if their lives depended on it. I wish them both miserable, drawn out lives and painful deaths.

 

[sserafim]

No of course not. Why would I feel pity for them (my middle school bullies)? The only thing I feel towards them is anger and hatred. I would love to see them fail in life, like fail professionally and get fired something. They deserve to have a painful and horrible death from old age. They deserve to see their beauty fade, like a wilting flower slowly decaying. I'll never forgive them. They're evil and poisoned to their rotten core. They're bad apples who didn't fall far from the tree.

 

[trashprincess]

Unfortunately My family's whole thing is getting people to feel sorry for them

 

[theboy]

No. They destroyed my life because of the bulling they did to me.

 

[R_N]

Not really but I don't hold grudges anymore either.

 

[astonishedturnip]

No. What's there to pity? The bullies who made every day a living nightmare went on to get married with tons of friends they vacation with regularly, a big house, successful job, kids, etc. while I developed debilitating anxiety and depression, body dysmorphia and self-hatred, PTSD from certain trauma they inflicted, and continued fear of putting myself out there and being in the spotlight. This isn't Hollywood, they didn't bully me because they had tough lives at home or they were secretly insecure. They never got comeuppance or apologized after maturing. They just tormented me and my friends (who were just minding our own business or doing our best to stay small/unnoticed) because it made them laugh and we were just the public school equivalent of dumb zoo animals to throw rocks at.

It did hurt more to get bullied when I was with my friends, and have them not stand up for me. Just looking away and staying silent, hoping they didn't get picked on too. In that case I guess I can forgive/pity them, they didn't want to suffer the same psychological trauma. But it will always cause me pain to know that I had always stuck up for them when the tables were turned, but I wasn't "worth" the effort ig?