Discussion April 22nd: Is it bad to set a date?

[TheActualAlex]

So I've reached that point. And as my first post, it's time I start really laying out the operation ahead of me, you know? Sounds kinda neat that way for something so morbid. Context of me, I'm a 28 year old man, father of one, and husband. I struggle with the usual, ADHD, desires, alcohol. I'm not a stellar dad(I have a shitty tendency to yell which is not helpful and I work on regularly) but I'm definitely not bad. I rent an apartment, I have pets, and my family all live out of state. But I really just can't do it anymore…

My wife is abusive, manipulative, but is always correct and I should be falling in line. I want to leave her, but it's been made so clear how I could never really survive happily on my own. She's also made it clear if I leave, I'd never see my daughter again, and that's the biggest issue I have. No matter what any court says, she's unstable, and I wouldn't be able to be a fitting household. I've lost my daughter no matter what in these scenarios, because I promise my relationship with her would be broken day one when if im out of the house.

I've tried just being happy where I am. Find peace in living. But the things that have actually brought me real joy? What made me glow and so happy? VR, sex, drugs, alcohol, and partying. I can't survive on that, and I may be vaguely entertaining, I don't have the right work ethic to make it as an entertainment star or anything like that. I'm friend funny, not comedy special funny. Morally I'm okay, but obviously I'm selfish if I'm doing all this anyways.

So here I am, date is set. Now it's the method. I don't want to risk survival. And if that means the day of I just stick my neck with something sharp, so be it. But obviously I want it to be less painful, and as cost effective as possible. I barely want to spend a dime doing this, though I've seen that the blood-choke method seems effective, and at most that'll be less than $60. I don't know where I'd deposit my body at the time without having the bill of my corpse's removal charged on my wife's card.

Look, I'm mad at her. We have a shit relationship and I'm forced the fucking kneel, but I love her too. She's been through a goddamn lot, and deserves some fucking form of help even if I'm a depressed, dead, dumbass. I've been just as much a shitty husband in other ways, and forced her into just as bad a situation that she'd never admit. Hell, she's tried to ctb without me even knowing in the middle of the night, it just didn't take.

So I don't want my final act to be a burden on anyone. Maybe besides the shitty local cops. I live in a backwater town, so I'm sure there's some scummy turds with a badge I wouldn't mind bugging a little. But just a little. Even then I don't know if I fully mean that… I want to believe in altruism, but I think I'm getting a bit off topic. I just want to be gone, and not cost much for it. I've got two months to plan it out… so, what do you think? I'm pretty okay with criticism, but be a little sparing… please?

 

[sorrymyfault]

Your situation is really sad and I feel you, having an abusing partner is horrible, I am no stranger to a horrible family so I kind of understand your family being living somewhere away from you. Obviously ctb is not the first thing to think about while having a child so my advice would be to take the best documentation you can of your wife being abusive either by recording video, audio, track records, see what's legal in your state and proceed with legal action accordingly. I don't want to go further explaining ctb methods because I don't believe it's the right thing to do in that situation, I hope you understand

 

[J&L383]

Your situation is really sad and I feel you, having an abusing partner is horrible, I am no stranger to a horrible family so I kind of understand your family being living somewhere away from you. Obviously ctb is not the first thing to think about while having a child so my advice would be to take the best documentation you can of your wife being abusive either by recording video, audio, track records, see what's legal in your state and proceed with legal action accordingly. I don't want to go further explaining ctb methods because I don't believe it's the right thing to do in that situation, I hope you understand

Agree with this. I think you have a lot of things you still need to do before you go to the final conclusion that you're proposing. Your child, for one thing. They will grow up quickly, each day that they get older while you're still alive is a good thing, in my view.

 

[Aprilfarewell4]

Setting a date works for some people, other people don't need it and they're touch and go at any moment. Whatever you decide for you is the right move. Good luck

 

[RoyalBengalAutistic]

No

 

[TheActualAlex]

Your situation is really sad and I feel you, having an abusing partner is horrible, I am no stranger to a horrible family so I kind of understand your family being living somewhere away from you. Obviously ctb is not the first thing to think about while having a child so my advice would be to take the best documentation you can of your wife being abusive either by recording video, audio, track records, see what's legal in your state and proceed with legal action accordingly. I don't want to go further explaining ctb methods because I don't believe it's the right thing to do in that situation, I hope you understand

Her methods aren't the kind that leave marks or would fly in court. It's overtime? It's backwards speech? It's all verbal, but it's entirely controlling and manipulative. Gaslighting, "you're not this stupid", "normal people would know this". No court is going to surrender a little girl to the father because "mommy says some mean things". I lose no matter the scenario, because she'd be the ideal parent for custody. I'm barely competent to live with roommates, much less on my own as a sole custody father.

Bottom line is if I leave, I lose her more than just physically. My image in her eyes will be widdled till I was nothing more than a scum-fuck drunk. I think my daughter would be better off with a dead dad than a deadbeat one. I'd rather be dead than dead to her.

I do appreciate the advice though… I know reality leaves more options than you think, but I'm not of sound mind or emotions. Only reason I'm not a drunk now is because she has full control over my bank account and counts every penny in it and where it goes. I would only be a problem down the line.

 

[livershapedbox]

Her methods aren't the kind that leave marks or would fly in court. It's overtime? It's backwards speech? It's all verbal, but it's entirely controlling and manipulative. Gaslighting, "you're not this stupid", "normal people would know this". No court is going to surrender a little girl to the father because "mommy says some mean things". I lose no matter the scenario, because she'd be the ideal parent for custody. I'm barely competent to live with roommates, much less on my own as a sole custody father.

Bottom line is if I leave, I lose her more than just physically. My image in her eyes will be widdled till I was nothing more than a scum-fuck drunk. I think my daughter would be better off with a dead dad than a deadbeat one. I'd rather be dead than dead to her.

I do appreciate the advice though… I know reality leaves more options than you think, but I'm not of sound mind or emotions. Only reason I'm not a drunk now is because she has full control over my bank account and counts every penny in it and where it goes. I would only be a problem down the line.

Don't you think it's still worth it to try winning at court, even if the chance might be small? You can always still choose to ctb after the court case is over if you lost, and would at least go to rest knowing that you tried all you could to help your daughter. Idk it's your decision at the end of the day but if I was in your shoes I'd at least try winning at court once before giving up

 

[TheActualAlex]

Don't you think it's still worth it to try winning at court, even if the chance might be small? You can always still choose to ctb after the court case is over if you lost, and would at least go to rest knowing that you tried all you could to help your daughter. Idk it's your decision at the end of the day but if I was in your shoes I'd at least try winning at court once before giving up

That's genuinely not a bad point. I have a hard time contesting that. It seems hopeless at the thought, since I'd never actually lived on my own before, I guess I just never thought of that since I know it'll be an emotional roller coaster.