Help Appropriate response to a social situation?

[LogicalConclusion]

Hey all, I'm looking for some outside perspective on something and was hoping y'all might be able to help. So, anyone familiar with my posts probably is aware that I have autism, and right now this is affecting me in that I don't know whether this situation is normal/how others would deal with it.

So yesterday my friend was supposed to come over. We made plans maybe a week ago and had agreed that she would come before noon as I had errands after that. The day beforehand, I texted her to ask what time she would be coming over so I would know when to be awake. She never responded, I woke up at midnight because my brain and body don't know what the fuck a schedule is. So I stayed up since I couldn't sleep anymore anyway, and when I was finally tired I didn't feel like I could sleep because I thought she'd just show up, which would lead to my dog barking up a storm and that is not a good way to wake up. Autism + waking up to loud noise = NOPE. Around 7am, I texted again asking if she was still coming and she messaged back, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I tried to call last night but was in a bad service area, I can't come because blahblahblah." I'm fucking pissed because this is the second time this has happened with her.

I get that she's struggling; I am, too, so I get it. And that's part of why I was like "Sure, come on by and we can hang out" but now I feel completely disrespected, like my time and need for sleep is not considered valuable and it's acceptable for people to leave me waiting for literally nothing and I don't find out until after the fact. Lack of sleep for me leads to further trouble sleeping because of certain trauma I underwent, and this leads into psychosis. I was about to ctb last night out of sheer desperation because of the downward spiral this caused.

So what I'd like to know is...what would your response be to this situation? What is a normal response to this? I didn't bother texting her back, left her on read like she's done to me, see how she likes it, idgaf. But I know I'm probably going to have to say something and I don't know what to say because I am not sure if I am being reasonable or not due to unfamiliarity with social situations. Any input would be greatly appreciated, thank you for taking the time to read this :)

 

[not_a_robot]

Well you already know my adaptations tend toward the extreme. And I have zero shame about it.
Barky dog would be no issue because I would never allow an unnecessary source of stress in my home.
As for "friends", I'm over it. I found relationships with others to be an unnecessary source of stress, so I don't mess with people. When I do rarely get roped into a social obligation, I try to cancel quickly, otherwise the stress weighs on me. When people cancel on me or stand me up, I feel relieved, and I happily devote that time to smoking pot, listening to comedy podcasts and forgetting all about them.
I can only spend time worrying over people if they are paying me. Otherwise, not worth it.

Also, "what is a normal response to this situation?"
Seethe with rage like you're doing now. Feel a bunch of unnecessary stress. Either give yourself an ulcer suppressing the bile and pretend all is fine, or have a big hissyfit. Neither response is a productive use of time or energy, and neither will resolve anything or make you feel better. This is the essence if human relationships. This is why I keep reiterating that they are a destructive waste of time, unless you like ulcers.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

Well you already know my adaptations tend toward the extreme. And I have zero shame about it.
Barky dog would be no issue because I would never allow an unnecessary source of stress in my home.
As for "friends", I'm over it. I found relationships with others to be an unnecessary source of stress, so I don't mess with people. When I do rarely get roped into a social obligation, I try to cancel quickly, otherwise the stress weighs on me. When people cancel on me or stand me up, I feel relieved, and I happily devote that time to smoking pot, listening to comedy podcasts and forgetting all about them.
I can only spend time worrying over people if they are paying me. Otherwise, not worth it.

Yes, I know And I appreciate your insight very much. You are right, I feel, that relationships with others are often an unnecessary added stressor. The problem right now is that there was a social obligation, they ghosted me, and I was left in a downward spiral. So I need to figure out what an appropriate response would be to express how disrespected I feel and maybe signal the end of the relationship.

 

[not_a_robot]

Yes, I know And I appreciate your insight very much. You are right, I feel, that relationships with others are often an unnecessary added stressor. The problem right now is that there was a social obligation, they ghosted me, and I was left in a downward spiral. So I need to figure out what an appropriate response would be to express how disrespected I feel and maybe signal the end of the relationship.

No you don't need to think of a response. The relationship is over the minute you decide it is. You don't have to respond. Somebody fucking ghosts you, and your response is that you expect they'll somehow give a fuck about you continuing to demand acknowledgement of your feelings? You could end the source of stress now, by deciding you're done with it, saying nothing, and moving on with your life.
I don't think any of my adaptations will ever work for you because detachment really isn't your thing. My advice here is probably useless.

 

[SinisterKid]

Sadly, real life often gets in the way of plans we make. I text my one and only friend and it can be days before he gets back to me, for whatever his reasons. I do not begrudge him for that. He works, has a family and dogs, so its much harder for him to find time than it is for me, who sits on my arse all day doing very little. But at least he bothers to come and see me and this year, we have been going out for a beer or three which is one of the few occasions I get out socially these days.

So dont be too hard on your friend. Shit happens and can interfere in so many different ways. Just explain the situation to her and ask her to be a little more considerate next time as she now knows how it affects you.

 

[Lennox]

Do you think there's a way you could let her know how hard it is for you when people do to you what she just did?
IMHO this is what you should do. Perhaps she would be more considerate if she knew.
It's alright, people have different needs and react differently to life situations.

If she knows how hard it is for you and still does this, then maybe sadly imho it would behoove you to rethink the importance you give to this bond.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

I'm really tired but wanted to clarify some things while it's in my head...I wanted to reality-check myself here and re-read our previous text conversations. She has been saying since mid-May that she wants to come by, wants to talk, play a game, etc, and there were a few occasions that she said she'll call, fails to do so, apologizes and says she'll call later, doesn't, etc. Then she makes plans with me several times up to the very point of "I will be there on x day :)" and again, nothing. I know her because she was my home health aide for several months when I still had that company's service; she had to leave (the company was horrible to clients and staff alike) and we kept in contact. So she is aware of all of my disabilities and how vital communication is to me. She made all these promises about becoming my PCA because of how the company was treating me and because we know each other so it's a more comfortable situation. Never came into fruition. All of the messages are like..."Oh, I will call someone to get the PCA stuff set up!" for like a month, and then "Oh, they'll be getting back to me by next week! Don't lose faith in me please!" and it just goes on and on like...really I feel dumb because she probably doesn't want to and just doesn't want to say so because she's a really gentle person.

Trying to manipulate the responses or actions will have bad consequences.

This, I would like to address in particular. Just want to be completely honest, I have a trauma association with the word "manipulate" because my mother accuses literally everyone of it if they don't do what she wants, so I got it a lot being the family scapegoat. So I wanted to ask what you mean by this because I don't understand where you're getting manipulation out of this.

 

[not_a_robot]

Oh god a health worker!? No NO NO!!!
She will be reporting every interaction as if you are a crazy person while she fakes being your friend!!! All of my care workers pull this shit to try to make it look like I need guardianship. NO NO NO!!! She is obviously winding you up on purpose, DISENGAGE IMMEDIATELY!!!
No health worker or former health worker or social worker is ever anybody's friend! NO NO NO!!!
They use what they know of your past and disabilities to manipulate you in the ways that hurt most so that when you react they can call you crazy!!! BLOCK HER, BLOCK THAT BITCH NOW!!!

 

[Lennox]

Ok, you wrote previously that you maybe wish to signal the end of this relationship and aren't sure of how to go about doing that.

What I think you should do: Write back a somewhat pissed off text saying how she has left you hanging/stood you up repeatedly and that she should know how hard it is for you. And tell her to only set up dates/appointments she can honor.

It's good because it's probably what you actually want to say, and at the same time that call out might likely motivate her to stop messaging you altogether (even though she'll say sorry and yadda yadda). Since it seems she'll be unable to straighten out in this sense, and since she seems to be, as you mentioned, the kind of "gentle person" that tends to avoid direct confrontation.

 

[not_a_robot]

All these people telling you to respond to her obvious provocation are just pushing you into the trap she has set for you.

 

[Lennox]

Don't mind me. Blocking works too I guess, but for me it's a last resort, makes me feel uneasy.
Now, progressively ghosting people, that I've done tons.

 

[not_a_robot]

Don't mind me. Blocking works too I guess, but for me it's a last resort, makes me feel uneasy.
Now, progressively ghosting people, that I've done tons.

I think this is a special case for OP. I think this "friend" is likely to be a very damaging influence. And has already gotten away with causing OP far too much distress.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

Thank you all for your support and input and I'm sorry if I wasn't very clear in my posting; it's been difficult to process and communicate things. I ended up sending her a text essentially saying that I understand and respect she's also going through things, but these behaviors have been ongoing for months, and that if she doesn't want me in her life, that is fine and I respect it, but I'm tired of being led to believe something is going to happen when it really isn't. Even if she had canceled with me, that maybe would've been frustrating, sure, but it would've allowed me to get the rest I need rather than staying awake for nothing. She's gotten the message and not said anything yet, and if she doesn't respond ever, that's fine. I just need to be able to set boundaries and have them respected for my own health and well-being (well, as much as there is to be had with my shitty brain). Kind of going through an overhaul of my life to figure out what boundaries those are and how to create a feeling of safety in my own home. Thank you all again for your help

 

[bigthief]

Thank you all for your support and input and I'm sorry if I wasn't very clear in my posting; it's been difficult to process and communicate things. I ended up sending her a text essentially saying that I understand and respect she's also going through things, but these behaviors have been ongoing for months, and that if she doesn't want me in her life, that is fine and I respect it, but I'm tired of being led to believe something is going to happen when it really isn't. Even if she had canceled with me, that maybe would've been frustrating, sure, but it would've allowed me to get the rest I need rather than staying awake for nothing. She's gotten the message and not said anything yet, and if she doesn't respond ever, that's fine. I just need to be able to set boundaries and have them respected for my own health and well-being (well, as much as there is to be had with my shitty brain). Kind of going through an overhaul of my life to figure out what boundaries those are and how to create a feeling of safety in my own home. Thank you all again for your help

I think this was a very mature response on your part. I always need to give myself time to feel let down/abandoned/unlovable (because it always spirals to that) before I can respond in a way that's not mean or hysterical, but still honours the hurt I felt.

 

[azucaramargo]

I

Well you already know my adaptations tend toward the extreme. And I have zero shame about it.
Barky dog would be no issue because I would never allow an unnecessary source of stress in my home.
As for "friends", I'm over it. I found relationships with others to be an unnecessary source of stress, so I don't mess with people. When I do rarely get roped into a social obligation, I try to cancel quickly, otherwise the stress weighs on me. When people cancel on me or stand me up, I feel relieved, and I happily devote that time to smoking pot, listening to comedy podcasts and forgetting all about them.
I can only spend time worrying over people if they are paying me. Otherwise, not worth it.

Also, "what is a normal response to this situation?"
Seethe with rage like you're doing now. Feel a bunch of unnecessary stress. Either give yourself an ulcer suppressing the bile and pretend all is fine, or have a big hissyfit. Neither response is a productive use of time or energy, and neither will resolve anything or make you feel better. This is the essence if human relationships. This is why I keep reiterating that they are a destructive waste of time, unless you like ulcers.

I would love to know which comedy podcasts you recommend, Not_a_robot.

I think this was a very mature response on your part. I always need to give myself time to feel let down/abandoned/unlovable (because it always spirals to that) before I can respond in a way that's not mean or hysterical, but still honours the hurt I felt.

BigThief, how do you muster the presence of mind/restraint to wait? Are you not tempted to lash out immediately like I am? Of course that's never resulted in anything great, but I'd be grateful to hear of any tips you had for curbing retaliatory impulses in the wake of having been hurt.

 

[pole]

putting myself in her position, i cant deny i do this a TON to my friends when were suppose to hang out. and im either extremely late or flop and just blatanly lie like i fell asleep or something.

but just by putting myself in her shoes, i feel like i could kinda relate. since i do these things, i feel like i do them because of my depression, my feelings of hopelessness, low energy, etc. but i would sometimes wish someone would be able to like put more effort into having me do things, show me that you care by doing this and show me im not so worthless. i know people shouldnt expect people to do this, but some people are just.. gone and out of it. and they need ones help to get back on track.

 

[BeenDoneForSoLong]

I wouldn't be overtly mad... I've pulled similar shit when I've been feeling down. Don't try and look at it from an an entirely selfish perspective.

They might have needed to be alone more so than you needed them. It's a tough situation and hard to empathise with from your end I'm sure. But try and come from it from a positive angle.

 

[LogicalConclusion]

putting myself in her position, i cant deny i do this a TON to my friends when were suppose to hang out. and im either extremely late or flop and just blatanly lie like i fell asleep or something.

but just by putting myself in her shoes, i feel like i could kinda relate. since i do these things, i feel like i do them because of my depression, my feelings of hopelessness, low energy, etc. but i would sometimes wish someone would be able to like put more effort into having me do things, show me that you care by doing this and show me im not so worthless. i know people shouldnt expect people to do this, but some people are just.. gone and out of it. and they need ones help to get back on track.

I wouldn't be overtly mad... I've pulled similar shit when I've been feeling down. Don't try and look at it from an an entirely selfish perspective.

They might have needed to be alone more so than you needed them. It's a tough situation and hard to empathise with from your end I'm sure. But try and come from it from a positive angle.

The reasoning behind it doesn't really matter at this point given that it's 1. been happening for months, 2. not a single time was I given any indication that the thing that was supposed to happen wasn't going to be happening, until well after the fact, and 3. I absolutely need to be able to set boundaries in my life so I can get enough sleep to not go into psychosis. She is well aware that I have these problems, and I am aware of some of her problems and am sympathetic. But I cannot allow that to derail my life. Not sure if you've read further into the details past the first couple of comments (only saying this because I am surely guilty of this at times) but I did expound on the situation as my initial post was not as well-written as I'd have liked. Still, the problem remains that I need to keep myself somewhat sane. I've thought of others for years and now I am taking it into hand to set my own boundaries. If that is selfish, then I guess I am selfish. But honestly I believe it to be more self-preservation as I can't be there for anyone if I am not here. So yes, I understand and respect where she is coming from, but a person can only go through this so many times with someone in a context such as this before realizing that maybe she really honestly doesn't want me in her life and was too polite to say so. Regardless, I've told her how I feel and that it's okay if she doesn't want to talk to me (if that's the case). I wish her well, even if she doesn't message back, but ultimately I have to do what is best for me, and right now that is protecting my time so I can get enough rest so as not to end up forcefully hospitalized due to psychosis.

 

[pole]

The reasoning behind it doesn't really matter at this point given that it's 1. been happening for months, 2. not a single time was I given any indication that the thing that was supposed to happen wasn't going to be happening, until well after the fact, and 3. I absolutely need to be able to set boundaries in my life so I can get enough sleep to not go into psychosis. She is well aware that I have these problems, and I am aware of some of her problems and am sympathetic. But I cannot allow that to derail my life. Not sure if you've read further into the details past the first couple of comments (only saying this because I am surely guilty of this at times) but I did expound on the situation as my initial post was not as well-written as I'd have liked. Still, the problem remains that I need to keep myself somewhat sane. I've thought of others for years and now I am taking it into hand to set my own boundaries. If that is selfish, then I guess I am selfish. But honestly I believe it to be more self-preservation as I can't be there for anyone if I am not here. So yes, I understand and respect where she is coming from, but a person can only go through this so many times with someone in a context such as this before realizing that maybe she really honestly doesn't want me in her life and was too polite to say so. Regardless, I've told her how I feel and that it's okay if she doesn't want to talk to me (if that's the case). I wish her well, even if she doesn't message back, but ultimately I have to do what is best for me, and right now that is protecting my time so I can get enough rest so as not to end up forcefully hospitalized due to psychosis.

sorry for forgetting about you're situation for a second. completely understand and it isn't some sort of greedy selfish act to be able to put yourself first above others when you're trying to better yourself. thats what ur suppose to do when trying to get better.

i just idiotically failed to see that at first glance, so sorry again. but its amazing that you're taking these steps, doing these things to put yourself first. good things will come out of this for you.

 

[imademypicture]

I have nothing helpful to say but thanks for making this thread. I am going through a very similar path right now in my life with my female friend who I've put a lot of love and attention to and it made some things clear in my mind. So, thanks :)

 

[LogicalConclusion]

I have nothing helpful to say but thanks for making this thread. I am going through a very similar path right now in my life with my female friend who I've put a lot of love and attention to and it made some things clear in my mind. So, thanks :)

Best of luck to you

 

[azucaramargo]

Either give yourself an ulcer suppressing the bile and pretend all is fine, or have a big hissyfit. Neither response is a productive use of time or energy, and neither will resolve anything or make you feel better.

I thought this was so well-put, not_a_robot.