I was manic at the time, so it didn't feel as bad as it actually was. Still intense, though.
CPTSD is a hard diagnosis to receive; I know you usually get it from long-term trauma. Do you feel like a liar and manipulator because of what you said to get that diagnosis? If that's the case, it seems like it's far more likely that you got it because you were honest, not because of any ill intent on your part.
Sometimes I worry that I'm actually bipolar, but I worry about
everything, so I try to not think about it too much. I've always had a really high tolerance for sleeping meds, even as a kid. This insomnia started with this episode of depression, so... hopefully that doesn't seem too concerning. Hopefully this isn't a mixed episode in disguise - it started
before I got back on antidepressants, if that helps.
It's in part what I said, yes. I know that I have certainly been affected by trauma. I've done a bit of research and everything fits, even the way I remember (or don't remember) pretty much...anything in my life at this point. Traumatic memories are stored very differently in the brain, and dissociative amnesia isn't uncommon. But my parents aren't as bad as they used to be. My dad hasn't hit me in years, he still swears and screams at me but that's okay. My mom has also calmed down a bit. I know they both love me and struggle with their own issues, too... I haven't told them about my diagnosis because I don't want them to think I'm blaming them for my problems. I also fear that they'll invalidate me like they have with my anxiety and depression for so long.
I may also have PTSD from my past relationship, but I try to not think about it. Um. But it doesn't matter.
Either way, it's been a really hard pill to swallow even though I expected this diagnosis. I guess I'm also a little salty because the psychologist dismissed my suicide attempt, as I bitched about in another one of my threads...
I know how you feel, being unable to sleep for days, wishing you could just dissociate just to get a break from the racing paranoid thoughts. I feel sick too. And please don't be sorry, your mental illness isn't your fault. What sometimes helps me is listening to ambient noise, like airport noises, rain, waves, a slow heartbeat. Listening to ambient noise can sometimes slow the racing paranoid thoughts down a tiny bit and give you something else to focus on. It's so hard to sleep because it feels like my body is always in fight or flight mode. I was awake until 8 am the other day and I was tossing and turning in the bed, screaming and crying, dissociating heavily, and I eventually cried myself to sleep. It feels like torture. Sometimes, I just want to stab myself in the chest with a knife. Because I'm so desperate and I just want this to stop. But I don't because I know it most likely wouldn't work. I'm just desperate to die.
Thank you, I'm sorry you understand what it's like. :/ I may try to get my cat in here. She loves me to bits and starts purring if I even glance at her lol. Maybe her purring will help.
I'm so sorry to hear about how difficult things have been for you. I can't imagine how scary and exhausting things have been. I truly hope that you can find peace someday, mate.
No need at all to be sorry, bud. I am sorry for you, but hoping that you can manage it and just fall asleep soon, try what other users said and you not did yet. Meditating while lying in bed is a good way for me
Thank you, I think I'm going to try having my cat lay beside me.
