Discussion Apathetic

[Farmmaa]

Strange thing this.
I am usually a fairly emotional person... OK, a really emotional person.
I am overly empathetic, feel pain deeply and cry at the drop of a hat. I get so emotional and stressed out that I make myself nauseous.

But this week, the closer I get to the day... the less I feel.
My anxiety is less than it was a few days ago. I haven't shed a tear for weeks.
I am now completely neutral when I look at the hundreds of dahlia tubers I so carefully stored away last fall, or look out at the silhouettes of my rose garden against the snow. These things were absolutely heartbreaking to me a month ago.

I went to see my dad and stepmom for the last time on Wed... and left feeling nothing.
I don't cry when I look at the walls full of photos of my kids in my living room, or the portraits of my furbaby.

I am apathetic. Emotionally numb... zoned out.

Is this normal ?
Is this just my mind's way of telling me that I've made the right choice and it will be OK ?

 

[MysticPerception]

It honestly sounds like you're having internal doubts to me. But it could just be your way of protecting yourself from being overwhelmed by feelings of sadness at leaving things behind that you care about.

 

[Flippy]

It honestly sounds like you're having internal doubts to me. But it could just be your way of protecting yourself from being overwhelmed by feelings of sadness at leaving things behind that you care about.

I agree! Sometimes we become numb when we've exceeded an unhealthy amount of emotion. Eventually your brain puts you into a bit of stasis emotionally for a while at least. It's a shame it's a bit of a slow action and not one we seem to have evolved particularly well. Maybe some part of your mind thought it was time for a break :-) I've experienced this myself a number of times!

 

[Zoltiel]

You are approaching the biggest event in your life. Completely normal.

 

[Farmmaa]

To make things clear - I am full of internal turmoil.
I don't WANT to kill myself.
I'm not one of those who hates life or this world we live in.

I'm just exhausted - mentally and physically, from working so hard just to try to exist.
I am exhausted from living with chronic pain and knowing that my health will only continue to deteriorate.
I am exhausted from the constant stress of never being able to pay all of my bills, no matter how hard I work.

I am so far in debt and at 57, with a less than health body .. there is no way of ever getting back out from under it. I have four large payments due next week that I simply have no money to pay from and so things are about to go from bad to impossible.

If I won the lottery today.. I would stick around until my health got worse... but right now, I am out of options and energy.

 

[OneBigBlur]

Sounds like disassociation, it numbs you to be able to tolerate a stressful situation.

 

[jgm63]

I think your being, which is your deeper intelligence, is simply conserving energy and preparing to move onwards.....

 

[Flippy]

To make things clear - I am full of internal turmoil.
I don't WANT to kill myself.
I'm not one of those who hates life or this world we live in.

I'm just exhausted - mentally and physically, from working so hard just to try to exist.
I am exhausted from living with chronic pain and knowing that my health will only continue to deteriorate.
I am exhausted from the constant stress of never being able to pay all of my bills, no matter how hard I work.

I am so far in debt and at 57, with a less than health body .. there is no way of ever getting back out from under it. I have four large payments due next week that I simply have no money to pay from and so things are about to go from bad to impossible.

If I won the lottery today.. I would stick around until my health got worse... but right now, I am out of options and energy.

Is there any way you can talk to someone who could advise you on how to cope with your financial situation. They may be able to advise you on ways of getting debt payments reduced or frozen until you can get back on an even keel again? I'm not sure where you are in the world but assuming it's in the west it's very likely that there are charities and organisations that can help you take this horrible debt stress out of your life? The capitalist system knows that ordinary people are more likely to feel obliged to pay their debts while the fat cats will do everything they can to avoid paying a bean! Just think of Amazon and the like! Making millions and not paying any tax.

It makes me really sad that you are having to work so hard to pay all this when you are becoming less able to! Perhaps if there was some way to aleviate this debt stress maybe life would seem less challenging?

Just my thoughts, and it sounds from what you've described that you are pretty exhausted! :-0

 

[Farmmaa]

Is there any way you can talk to someone who could advise you on how to cope with your financial situation. They may be able to advise you on ways of getting debt payments reduced or frozen until you can get back on an even keel again? I'm not sure where you are in the world but assuming it's in the west it's very likely that there are charities and organisations that can help you take this horrible debt stress out of your life? The capitalist system knows that ordinary people are more likely to feel obliged to pay their debts while the fat cats will do everything they can to avoid paying a bean! Just think of Amazon and the like! Making millions and not paying any tax.

It makes me really sad that you are having to work so hard to pay all this when you are becoming less able to! Perhaps if there was some way to aleviate this debt stress maybe life would seem less challenging?

Just my thoughts, and it sounds from what you've described that you are pretty exhausted! :-0

I've been trying everything I can try for the past 10 years.
I'm further down the hole now than I was then.

I've tried to get a debt consolidation loan but was refuse because my debt to income ratio is too high - but they'll be happy to help once my yearly income is increased by $20,000.
There are no charities or organizations that just freely help people get out from under debt.

 

[Flippy]

I've been trying everything I can try for the past 10 years.
I'm further down the hole now than I was then.

I've tried to get a debt consolidation loan but was refuse because my debt to income ratio is too high - but they'll be happy to help once my yearly income is increased by $20,000.
There are no charities or organizations that just freely help people get out from under debt.

I'm really sorry :-( Here in the UK the last resort is usually having yourself declared bankrupt :-( I don't know how it will work where you are? Would that be an option or is it likely to make things worse for you in your country?
Wish I had some expertise that could help you :-( I assume the debts are for essential things so if that's the case, unless I find something out that will help you maybe there's someone in these forums that have better, more useful financial advice. If I ever happen to find $20,000 I would give it to you in an instant! :-)

I've been trying everything I can try for the past 10 years.
I'm further down the hole now than I was then.

I've tried to get a debt consolidation loan but was refuse because my debt to income ratio is too high - but they'll be happy to help once my yearly income is increased by $20,000.
There are no charities or organizations that just freely help people get out from under debt.

Wish I had some expertise that could help you :-( I assume the debts are for essential things so if that's the case, unless I find something out that will help you maybe there's someone in these forums that have better, more useful financial advice. If I ever happen to find $20,000 I would give it to you in an instant! :-)

 

[Quarky00]

Same! Had a garden just like yours , took care of my babies , now I don't care ...

Numb , detached , spaced out . As weeks passed before d-day I became gradually calm . I don't know how you (don't) feel but for me this was after some lethargy-depression-anhedonia , which occured after years of emotional turmoil . I also experience acceptance .

Sometimes we become numb when we've exceeded an unhealthy amount of emotion.

Yep, feels like shutting down. If I recall few other members, not many, mentioned they became calm before . Though they haven't mentioned numbness .

It's a really strange feeling , an eerie – but not disturbing – calmness & numbness..

 

[BPD Barbie]

Sounds like disassociation, it numbs you to be able to tolerate a stressful situation.

This. Your mind is just overloaded, I get this very, very regularly as well. Normally I cry over the smallest things, pretty annoying, but when disassociating I couldn't care less. Nothing matters. I am emotionally numb and void.

 

[Nogodallchaos]

I've been like this for years now.

 

[enlightened_suicide]

I share a lot of the same feelings .. just basically disassociating almost as if I am not alive, and have already died in one of my previous attempts .
I am numb, I am emotionally exhausted, it's hard to eat or sleep .. the stress takes over from being thousands upon thousands of dollars in debt just from hospital visits and psychwards alone . I feel the same as you now.. I use to wanna die but now it's as if I feel I have no other choice, and I have completely come to peace with it and I accept it. Although I will tell you that's the hardest part but it is so calming knowing it will be over soon.

 

[forgettenloner]

Strange thing this.
I am usually a fairly emotional person... OK, a really emotional person.
I am overly empathetic, feel pain deeply and cry at the drop of a hat. I get so emotional and stressed out that I make myself nauseous.

But this week, the closer I get to the day... the less I feel.
My anxiety is less than it was a few days ago. I haven't shed a tear for weeks.
I am now completely neutral when I look at the hundreds of dahlia tubers I so carefully stored away last fall, or look out at the silhouettes of my rose garden against the snow. These things were absolutely heartbreaking to me a month ago.

I went to see my dad and stepmom for the last time on Wed... and left feeling nothing.
I don't cry when I look at the walls full of photos of my kids in my living room, or the portraits of my furbaby.

I am apathetic. Emotionally numb... zoned out.

Is this normal ?
Is this just my mind's way of telling me that I've made the right choice and it will be OK ?

For me, I can relate but only somewhat. I have lost touch MOST of my emotions. My anxiety still lurks in the background, it is lessened, but there. I don't think I have cried for 2 years, but have also never felt more hollow and alone.
This year I lost both grandparents, both dogs, got dumped and lost all my friends. By the tail end of it I feel nothing. Whatever 2020 has in store for me, I have very little to lose so I become somewhat apathetic.

Might just be a response to loss? Maybe, like me, you've already lost alot and decide "what worse can happen?"