It is difficult to forgive.
Probably one of the most difficult things we are faced with.
I guess most of us weren't even able to forgive ourselves.
Which in turn makes us unable to be with ourselves.
Being there without a phone, music, people or anything. Just ourselves.
I for my part am burning inside after a while of that. I'm crying 'cause I'm so cruel to myself. I'm crying 'cause I hold my past mistakes against myself.
I'm hating myself for being so cruel. It is a cycle you see?
And only if we manage to escape for a moment the loneliness ceases.
Then we can be...
Not alone, rather with ourselves. Because we can actually listen to ourselves.
We can actually sit there and say "It's beautiful being here with you, however long it may last. We could go tomorrow... or just sit here a moment"
And forgiving those who have wronged you, who evidently know better since they don't wrong each other, seems impossible.
I could say I know that. But in the end only you know the true difficulty you face. And so you are the only one who can decide if forgiving is the right thing to do.
Let me put up an analogy which may provide some insight:
Imagine you have a pet you love more than anything in this world.
Now imagine this pet wronged you by destroying your favorite thing.
Self-evidently you are hurt. Obviously you are in immense pain over the loss.
Quite possibly you are angry with it, furious even.
But now think of what would be the right thing to do in that moment?
Start arguing with the pet?
Shout at it? Stop caring for it, no food, no walks, no nothing?
I would suggest that the right thing to do is doing your best in "explaining" to the pet what it has done wrong.
And like with every pet they just understand it in right that moment when the atrocity happened.
But at some point it understood everything it was capable of.
At some moment it is just a pet, unable to understand why that thing was so important to you, following you around and being happy when you're around it.
It worries for you, tries to protect you from everything it deems dangerous.
And maybe with others of it's kind it understands that they have something valuable it can't have and has to be careful not to destroy.
Like the favorite toy of it's best pet buddy.
But with you it did not know that.
It was oblivious what it had done wrong. It was just itself and loves you all the same still.
And you have the choice.
You can acknowledge the pets ignorance. Accept that it is unable to understand what it has done to you, unable to apologize or make ammends.
You can try to tell it how you feel the next time something bad happens. And if it doesn't understand... that's how it is.
I know it is incredibly strenuous and difficult to be the one "above it all" the one that "forgives and forgets".
But in the end as far fetched as this analogy might seem I still believe it to be true to some degree.
Your family is not able to understand. And as I explained in my previous post, maybe this is for the better.
Yes this is a burden that weighs you down. Yes it is unfair that you're alone and the "pets" have each other.
But if you find the kindness in your heart to forgive the pet you, admittedly, won't have your favorite item anymore but atleast you have something you love and which loves you.
Maybe you don't talk the same language. Maybe you are more rational, compassionate or intelligent than it.
Maybe you are destined to feel the majority of the pain of this whole ordeal.
Alas nobody will be able to change that.
I don't want to say anything of this is easy. I don't want to say 'cause it sounds reasonable to forgive it is the right thing to do. Only you know that in your heart.
All I can say is that you will have to carry the spite not them.
And even if you decide you want to forgive them it will take a long time to do so fully.
I am so, so sorry for what you have to go through and have gone through.
It's terrifying that the world bestowes such agony on some people.
Hope a digital hug will reach you somehow
I'm glad you found my advice somewhat helpful :)
I hope that the community here brings you some companionship in time.
And as I said, if you need somebody to talk to, even if I'm just some avatar in an internet forum, I'm here for you <3
PS:
I hope I myself am not too patronizing.
I'm far from all knowing... quite the opposite I don't even carry enough wisdom in me to make my own life bearable ^-^
So if you disagree with something I said, keep that alive.
You know best what's right for you.