Anyone who has serenely accepted that they are too broken to function (and tried everything to mend?)

[xxelefante]

Hello everyone! It's just another short personal story and search for people who feel the same way.

So I've been through 10 years of therapy, 3 of medication, 15 of depression, and it has only been getting worse. I no longer have the painful depression. Some of you will know what I mean - daggers stabbing every part of your soul and not being able to breathe because of the overwhelming pain which you can't locate; it's everywhere and nowhere. I have passed to a more serene state of accepting that maybe I can't get better, that it's ok that I practically can't work and can't live normally, and would like to be killed off, like a wounded animal that's in needless suffering. I feel like that girl from Netherlands who applied for legal assisted suicide (have you seen the documentary?) and after years she got approved because they recognized, through various medical opinions, that her depression can't get better with means known to today's medicine. Unfortunately my EU state does not allow these comforts, but I would love to apply for that. I have no desperation or pain or rush to die in me, no suicide attempted in affection, just serene pondering and acceptance.

So now my therapist suggested "time out". He wants me to go to a private clinic somewhere, to swim, paint and sing or whatever they do there. He wasn't even that into the therapy and medication aspect of it, since he knows I did years of that and nothing. He said that I'm in a mental cage and I can't go on like that, pretending to live in the normal world. Have any of you done that, do you think it can work?

I'm a bit sceptical and always more on the acceptance of being broken beyond repair side, and quite ok about it. Is there anyone else who feels this way?
I do see there most of people who post here are "in affection", having a crisis, or feeling these stabbing moments of depression. Or people who haven't tried anything (no therapy, no meds) and want to go because of pain (c'mon mate). Is there no one like me here?

 

[xxelefante]

I see that most people here are thinking of suicide "in affection", people who can't take it anymore and feel the daggers of depressions everywhere, and many people who haven't even tried to help themselves (so much hope in front of you guys!). Which is also, as I know from statistics, a decisive majority of those who commit suicide. Is there really no one who feels like I do here?

 

[FreedomInDeath]

I have been mentally ill with severe OCD (it is not what most people think it is) and anxiety, depressive episodes, paranoia, delusions for over a decade. I am pretty much as the end of my rope too. I am not sure if I should even try a last round of therapy or throw in the towel on this fight. I love those documentaries from Belgium, they are so compassionate there. I would apply 100%. My psych staff is also kind of skeptical if I have any hope left, but there are a few new leads to try for me but I am not sure if it is worth it if I just end up suffering.

 

[justanotherday]

Hello everyone! It's just another short personal story and search for people who feel the same way.

So I've been through 10 years of therapy, 3 of medication, 15 of depression, and it has only been getting worse. I no longer have the painful depression. Some of you will know what I mean - daggers stabbing every part of your soul and not being able to breathe because of the overwhelming pain which you can't locate; it's everywhere and nowhere. I have passed to a more serene state of accepting that maybe I can't get better, that it's ok that I practically can't work and can't live normally, and would like to be killed off, like a wounded animal that's in needless suffering. I feel like that girl from Netherlands who applied for legal assisted suicide (have you seen the documentary?) and after years she got approved because they recognized, through various medical opinions, that her depression can't get better with means known to today's medicine. Unfortunately my EU state does not allow these comforts, but I would love to apply for that. I have no desperation or pain or rush to die in me, no suicide attempted in affection, just serene pondering and acceptance.

So now my therapist suggested "time out". He wants me to go to a private clinic somewhere, to swim, paint and sing or whatever they do there. He wasn't even that into the therapy and medication aspect of it, since he knows I did years of that and nothing. He said that I'm in a mental cage and I can't go on like that, pretending to live in the normal world. Have any of you done that, do you think it can work?

I'm a bit sceptical and always more on the acceptance of being broken beyond repair side, and quite ok about it. Is there anyone else who feels this way?
I do see there most of people who post here are "in affection", having a crisis, or feeling these stabbing moments of depression. Or people who haven't tried anything (no therapy, no meds) and want to go because of pain (c'mon mate). Is there no one like me here?

I can relate. I have tried therapy and Meds over the years. Nothing helps and I cannot work, because I do not fit in. I am tired of trying.

 

[TheEndof]

I'm at the point where I just don't care anymore. I don't even want to get better because I've come to realize that it never truly does. Maybe for a few moments, but never in the long run. Not for me. So, why bother? I've tried therapy and medication. They worked in the short term but life circumstances always seem to find a way to fuck me up eventually. And that's alright, but I can stop the cycle of pain and disappointment by just CTB.

 

[Trisolaris]

I've grown tired of trying to get better and failing.

I started having depression at the age of 16, and since then it has been a slow way down. Now that I'm 31, I feel like I've missed my chance to develop relationships and a healthy state of mind. Just doesn't work like this at this age.

Every day is a struggle to survive (no more living, just surviving), and I even feel I'm bringing my GF down with me.

I'm tired of this and tired of false hope. Tired of the constant emotional pain and having to look around at others that live a normal life around me while I lag behind.

Some people had luck in the life lottery and I just didn't. I've come to accept that.

In a way, knowing which way you need to go is a relief - the acceptance that now ctb is the only way to go and I should focus on that. Too bad that it's the hardest thing you can do.

 

[Moonicide]

I'm right there with you, love. 15 years of mental illness for me, Bipolar 2 / Major Depressive Disorder / PTSD / GAD / Agoraphobia. Treatment hasn't been too effective for me. The medication has slightly helped with my moods as I do live with Bipolar, but my Major Depression has been kicking my ass for years. Along with the trauma. It's been so unbearable. As for therapy I couldn't be fully honest with them or they'd threaten to send me back to IOP. Like I was too much for my therapist. Made me feel so alone and even more abandoned. My sessions were only 30 minutes long due to my insurance... I'm sorry for having a lot of feelings during therapy, I guess? The medications I've been put on haven't been effective. I've even taken a DNA test that shows what my body would respond well to, medication wise. And I'm still in this rut. It's frustrating and beyond exhausting... I've really given up on the whole idea of living a functional and 'normal' life. You aren't alone in this and we are here for you.

My heart goes out to you.
Sending all of my love and support.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Me. I can't even play music anymore. It sucks.

 

[hatelife]

I have been mentally ill with severe OCD (it is not what most people think it is) and anxiety, depressive episodes, paranoia, delusions for over a decade. I am pretty much as the end of my rope too. I am not sure if I should even try a last round of therapy or throw in the towel on this fight. I love those documentaries from Belgium, they are so compassionate there. I would apply 100%. My psych staff is also kind of skeptical if I have any hope left, but there are a few new leads to try for me but I am not sure if it is worth it if I just end up suffering.

same ocd is not what others think, its a horrible illness that robs the life out of one, its so bad I dont think it will ever go away. it just changes shapes and forms

 

[WeaselBones]

Depression, anxiety, stress, loneliness, panic attacks... it's constant and nothing seems to help. I get relief from it once in a blue moon, sometimes I feel OK, but it's only ever just that... OK. The good times aren't frequent enough to justify the constant misery; they're merely tiny, sweet sprinkles within the giant turd that is life.

I've tried pills and therapy, tried (and failed) to make friends, bought a lot of crap, failed having a job, dropped out of education many times, eaten too much junk food and struggled to do or enjoy anything I actually want to do. Life is a cycle of waking up, wasting time and waiting to go back to sleep, rinse and repeat. There's no substance to any of it and I don't know how much more I can take.

The saddest part is having someone who loves me who doesn't realise the severity of it and cannot do anything to help. The poor guy thinks a few pills or an hour of counselling once a week will make it all better. He just doesn't get it and can't imagine why I want to die. At all. Especially since he's an 'immortalist' and aspires to live forever. Talk about polar opposites.

I'm literally alive for his sake at this point. I'm like the hamster in the shoebox under the bed who exists to make the kid happy... but never gets to experience happiness themself.

 

[Sensei]

So now my therapist suggested "time out". He wants me to go to a private clinic somewhere, to swim, paint and sing or whatever they do there. He wasn't even that into the therapy and medication aspect of it, since he knows I did years of that and nothing. He said that I'm in a mental cage and I can't go on like that, pretending to live in the normal world. Have any of you done that, do you think it can work?

You're here so you're obviously meditating upon taking your own life. Given this, what do you have to lose? I'd try anything that can take me out of this darkness, however far-fetched.

 

[Thinkinaboutit]

I'm someone with a master's degree but with non-verbal learning disorder and Apsperger's Syndrome, which really limits my employment opportunities. I recently fell into employment in the events services staff at the headquarters of a major international corporation. My borderline retardation in non-verbal visual/spatial skills have come to the forefront at this job and it is absolutely humiliating. As at other times in the recent past, I'm right back to where I was as a child, being looked down upon as slow and shy. I've exhausted almost all my other employment opportunities and trying to function everyday exhausts what little energy I do have. My experience in this employment has brought home to me how utterly limited my abilities for functioning in the work world are. Without the ability to make a living in the long term and no prospect of acquiring any adequate level of dignity for myself, I don't see much reason for me to keep living as a dependent of my father and control freak step mother.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

I'm not sure, if I would say "serenely" accepted (there is not much serenity in my life), but I think I'm beginning to accept the reality of it. That I planned to exit if things didn't work out. Well, it looks like that might be the case; so I'm really working on accepting all the things I will surely miss out on. However even in life, none of these things are guaranteed & I Could very well live and still "miss out". It seems like a loose-loose situation for me at this point.

 

[Someonetired]

Hi! My story isn't exactly the same, but I've been trough everything my country has to offer (children's psychiatric services, adult psychiatric services, foster care, a "watched" apartment where I lived for a while, anorexia treatment programs twice, countless admisssions to hospitals and psychiatric wards, Dbt, mbt & cbt programs (dunno if that's international names or not but it's kinda like an active educational treatment programs) so now there's pretty much noting left for me to do. Been to all the wards I can get admitted to and tried everything, still going to a shrink and I've tried countless drugs, even been weight restored and "recovered" for my ed. But the underlying cause for my eating disorder(s), depression, is still ruling my life. And it feels like there's nothing left for me to do, because I've spent years of my life wholeheartedly trying to learn how to live, I've gotten the help I can get, but I'm still in this same ducking g black whole