Anyone struggle with the "God stuff"?

[kukookat90]

I'll be honest.....I was raised in church and i do believe in God. I'm not one to say that there's some firm stance on suicide, but my understanding is that something as serious as trying to take power over life and death would be for God to decide. Most days....every day actually, that is the only thing that keeps me here. I have this deep fear, if you can call it that, that ending it would be my final mistake and I can't take it back. But I'm extra stuck. Being afraid to die as the only reason to stay alive is no way to live. I feel like I'm stuck in this snow globe. Watching the whole world go by, knowing I can never be part of it or be happy, but I can't break myself out either. So I'm just stuck. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm afraid to take that leap but I'm equally afraid to face the rest of my life if every day is like this. Help??

 

[BPD Barbie]

At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I often wondered why people's god let them suffer so much in the first place.

 

[kukookat90]

At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I often wondered why people's god let them suffer so much in the first place.

I mean there's so much to dive into here. I guess in the end of the day, whether I believe in God or not, it doesn't change the fact that this is my reality. This is what I feel. And I try so hard not to. Like, so fucking hard. But I can't cope. I've been sober for 3 years too and am still like this. I've literally planned to relapse because yeah, drugs suck, but at least it made the days go by. I can't deal with this

 

[X-Kid]

I'm not a huge believer in religion although I was raised a Christian. I like to believe that IF there is a heaven, god isn't going to send a poor hurting soul that took their own life after suffering with their mental illness for years to hell. Part of me doesn't believe in an afterlife but the more depressed I get and suicidal I feel, I hope there is an heaven.

My dog, grandfather, other grandparents, and other nice people I've met and known in my lifetime are waiting for me. I can't wait to see them again.

But on another note, if God is real, why does he let children get slaughtered at school shootings? Why do mass shootings where innocent people die happen? Does god not love those victims? I know religious folks would say "god wanted them home" or "the man upstairs took them home early". Why would god cause or allow all that pain to happen?

 

[faust]

According to the church rules, we all gonna rot in hell, so do not worry :)
I allowed the religion once to poison my brain but the world is completely different and more complex thing than they want to show us.
Now religion is used to cover crimes like child molesting, money laundering, corruption and some things priests and popes do not speak about.
Would you believe in tales of criminals and unholy fathers when they do such things? The son of a God is still hanging on a fucking cross...

 

[Arrow]

At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I often wondered why people's god let them suffer so much in the first place.

its almost like gods like, not real probably, yu know? ;)))

 

[BPD Barbie]

I mean there's so much to dive into here. I guess in the end of the day, whether I believe in God or not, it doesn't change the fact that this is my reality. This is what I feel. And I try so hard not to. Like, so fucking hard. But I can't cope. I've been sober for 3 years too and am still like this. I've literally planned to relapse because yeah, drugs suck, but at least it made the days go by. I can't deal with this

Have you spoke to a doctor or seen a therapist? Maybe that's somewhere to start before you write it all off. Big achievement being sober for so long as well, can't be easy and I can't imagine what you're going through as I'm not religious at all.

 

[kukookat90]

Have you spoke to a doctor or seen a therapist? Maybe that's somewhere to start before you write it all off. Big achievement being sober for so long as well, can't be easy and I can't imagine what you're going through as I'm not religious at all.

I actually called my counselor but he's only doing zoom meetings because of the virus. Forget that lol. I'm definitely an in-person kinda girl. That's why I feel like I'm going nuts. It's like.... I know what the stakes are. I don't want to dive down that hole but I am literally losing it. I started doing drugs in the first place not because I was a party chic but because I could not be alone and sober and just.....with myself

 

[BPD Barbie]

I actually called my counselor but he's only doing zoom meetings because of the virus. Forget that lol. I'm definitely an in-person kinda girl. That's why I feel like I'm going nuts. It's like.... I know what the stakes are. I don't want to dive down that hole but I am literally losing it. I started doing drugs in the first place not because I was a party chic but because I could not be alone and sober and just.....with myself

I get you there. My mom keeps on at me to phone my psychiatrist but I just can't connect over the phone or video chat. I need to physically see someone. I'm so sorry lovely. I wish I had some more answers for you. Hopefully someone else here can relate to what you're feeling

 

[kukookat90]

I'm not a huge believer in religion although I was raised a Christian. I like to believe that IF there is a heaven, god isn't going to send a poor hurting soul that took their own life after suffering with their mental illness for years to hell. Part of me doesn't believe in an afterlife but the more depressed I get and suicidal I feel, I hope there is an heaven.

My dog, grandfather, other grandparents, and other nice people I've met and known in my lifetime are waiting for me. I can't wait to see them again.

But on another note, if God is real, why does he let children get slaughtered at school shootings? Why do mass shootings where innocent people die happen? Does god not love those victims? I know religious folks would say "god wanted them home" or "the man upstairs took them home early". Why would god cause or allow all that pain to happen?

I have so many questions too....the thing is, when I get down to the wire...down to that moment when I'm like "this is it, I can't be here anymore" there's this thing that stops me and it's the acknowledgement that I don't know it all. It's not a decision you can take back. And that scares me to death. Pun not intended lol

 

[theguineapigking]

I respect your belief.
But I see it differently. If God is real, how could he have a right to punish someone for eternity for killing themself, due to being in pain? He created us. To create us, know our destinies, and then send us to hell would be an asshole thing to do. Also, I feel like killing your body couldn't be an evil sin. I don't understand why God would care about that. God can't be 100% fair and just, yet send someone to hell forever, no matter what they did. It doesn't add up. If he truly loves us, he wouldn't send anyone to hell, after forcing us into existence. An even deeper perspective: Keep in mind that different people have different brains/mindsets. I'm not entirely sure that even 'evil' people are actually evil. It could be that their brain simply doesn't work right. They can't feel empathy and cannot see 'clearly' . It's very possible that we come here to earth to learn, in a specific human body that is designed very specifically, with a specific mindset/personality. Even if it was god that sent us here though, he should be smart enough to know that not everyone is created equal(mentally especially). So it wouldnt be fair to judge them simply according to their actions.


Think about how many different religions there are. People change religions all the time, because they think they found the right one. It seems more like a way to cope with reality than anything else. I truly believe if there is a god, it is not a religion type of god.

 

[X-Kid]

I would like to congratulate you on being sober for 3 years. I have on/off relationships with alcohol and pot. I've never stayed off alcohol for more than a year. I haven't touched alcohol this year but that's because I've got weed. If I couldn't get weed, I'd get alcohol. 3 years is something to be proud of!! I can't do that.

 

[kukookat90]

I would like to congratulate you on being sober for 3 years. I have on/off relationships with alcohol and pot. I've never stayed off alcohol for more than a year. I haven't touched alcohol this year but that's because I've got weed. If I couldn't get weed, I'd get alcohol. 3 years is something to be proud of!! I can't do that.

Thanks. I think that's what's hard though...a lot of stuff got practically better, like, I'm not in jail anymore lol and I can hold down a job and I don't scare people lol, but guess what? I'm still me. And all the stuff that I spent so long trying to shove down and numb is like IN my face now. Only I don't deal with it the same way. I went through some stuff last year and every day is feeling a bit more impossible to keep fighting

 

[Notwinnernotawin]

I grew up being conditioned to think that God would punish me if ever did anything to hurt myself. But I started to ponder, if He loves me sooo much, why would he do it when I'm hurting myself because of an illness or a struggle?
After I tried to ctb again last week and failed, I felt like I had to take things off my chest and talked to this friend. She then used that sentence. 'Your soul will be in eternal agony'. And now I'm wondering exactly what you said. What if taking my own life is my final mistake, the one I can never fix, that will lead me to a path of even more suffering?
Deep down I like to believe that God wouldn't want none of us to be in even more pain once we're dead. I like to believe this superior being that punishes people for what they can't control is just another creation of the human mind to manipulate and stop people from committing suicide.

 

[kukookat90]

I grew up being conditioned to think that God would punish me if ever did anything to hurt myself. But I started to ponder, if He loves me sooo much, why would he do it when I'm hurting myself because of an illness or a struggle?
After I tried to ctb again last week and failed, I felt like I had to take things off my chest and talked to this friend. She then used that sentence. 'Your soul will be in eternal agony'. And now I'm wondering exactly what you said. What if taking my own life is my final mistake, the one I can never fix, that will lead me to a path of even more suffering?
Deep down I like to believe that God wouldn't want none of us to be in even more pain once we're dead. I like to believe this superior being that punishes people for what they can't control is just another creation of the human mind to manipulate and stop people from committing suicide.

Exactly. I don't want to take myself out to be selfish or malicious....in fact, it's the opposite. I feel like I'm going to be inevitably toxic to the people around me being like this and it really would, truly, be better for everyone all around if I could be gone

 

[Good4Nothing]

I can't believe in a god that creates broken people and then punishes them for eternity for being broken.
If that's what god is then he's a monster and should be opposed, not worshipped.

 

[Disintegration]

I'll be honest.....I was raised in church and i do believe in God. I'm not one to say that there's some firm stance on suicide, but my understanding is that something as serious as trying to take power over life and death would be for God to decide. Most days....every day actually, that is the only thing that keeps me here. I have this deep fear, if you can call it that, that ending it would be my final mistake and I can't take it back. But I'm extra stuck. Being afraid to die as the only reason to stay alive is no way to live. I feel like I'm stuck in this snow globe. Watching the whole world go by, knowing I can never be part of it or be happy, but I can't break myself out either. So I'm just stuck. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm afraid to take that leap but I'm equally afraid to face the rest of my life if every day is like this. Help??

It is your life, do with it what you want. If you think you'd be happier dead, then go for it. Nothing, other than yourself, is going to punish you here or elsewhere.

 

[theguineapigking]

I can't believe in a god that creates broken people and then punishes them for eternity for being broken.
If that's what god is then he's a monster and should be opposed, not worshipped.

You said it better than me!

I grew up being conditioned to think that God would punish me if ever did anything to hurt myself. But I started to ponder, if He loves me sooo much, why would he do it when I'm hurting myself because of an illness or a struggle?
After I tried to ctb again last week and failed, I felt like I had to take things off my chest and talked to this friend. She then used that sentence. 'Your soul will be in eternal agony'. And now I'm wondering exactly what you said. What if taking my own life is my final mistake, the one I can never fix, that will lead me to a path of even more suffering?
Deep down I like to believe that God wouldn't want none of us to be in even more pain once we're dead. I like to believe this superior being that punishes people for what they can't control is just another creation of the human mind to manipulate and stop people from committing suicide.

That is very likely true. What better way to scare people into living? Especially nowadays..the government and society need their wage slaves to keep a workin'...

 

[BigLucs]

I was brought up catholic too but I kind of just developed my own cannon. Their god just doesn't really make sense to me. A total paradox.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm sorry you feel so conflicted.

If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him - Everything2.com

A famous quote by Voltaire. Its meaning is still debated today. The way I (like to) see it, it is a sentence said in irony. Voltaire is saying, "Le...

everything2.com

 

[itsamadworld]

According to the church rules, we all gonna rot in hell, so do not worry :)
I allowed the religion once to poison my brain but the world is completely different and more complex thing than they want to show us.
Now religion is used to cover crimes like child molesting, money laundering, corruption and some things priests and popes do not speak about.
Would you believe in tales of criminals and unholy fathers when they do such things? The son of a God is still hanging on a fucking cross...

That's how I heard it too, we all going to hell. So I just disregard what the gods say, because i have no evidence of their existence...

 

[Broken Chimera]

Suicide isn't a sin. It's a lie created by the church to make you feel like you need salvation. Where was he when people were starving to death, when the genocides were going on, when people were born deformed or mentally deficient? No where to be found, but he's going to throw you in hell if you decide it's too much? Then let him come down here and live it.

The hell doctrine was created to bring people into the religion. It wasn't brought up until they translated the Bible into English. Kinda strange, huh? Then what happened to all of the people who died before that was brought up?

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I struggle feeling stuck too. I really want God to decide my final hour. Every day I'm barely hanging on, and I don't know how much longer I can do it.

 

[tothemoon]

There's really only two options. Either God has a bachelors degree level of knowledge about psychology and he doesn't punish people for it...or we were chosen to spend eternity in hell either way. he puts a certain group of people (a small group mind you, 75% of human beings never even consider suicide because their lives aren't that bad) through toruturous conditions that the majority of humans will never experience then after years...sometimes decades of pain we kill ourselves and he goes "sorry, got to punish you now". Think of it this way, a huge reason people kill themselves (aka commit a sin that will make them rot in hell for eternity) is because they weren't getting good sleep. Again, we have to believe the creator of the universe, the being that is eternal and knows all things, is going to punish someone for an eternity because they were only getting 4 hours of sleep a night because of chronic pain that he chose to not fix? God can seriously fuck off if that's the case. If that's true, then the game was rigged all along.

 

[codewarrior]

You all, get out of this notation that "God" is watching you through sky or through some google glass technology. Accept the fact that God doesnt interfere in earthly life and have provided you the free will to do whatever you want to do. He just makes ways at times which we have to understand. However, what really matters is initial push where we land up at birth which we do not have any control.


Right or wrong are perspectives and there is nothing fixed in this world. Sin cannot be classified as static where you do something then only its right else wrong. If external God isn't working for you, leave all aside. What really matters is are you convinced that there is no option.

 

[voltage268]

I'm glad for threads like this even if some people here may find them annoying or struggle to understand the thinking - we're depressed, therefore have pessimist-leaning minds, and expect the worst even if it doesn't make sense. My rational mind can't understand why we'd be sent to eternal damnation for wanting to escape the pain, but a lot of us who have these fears were indoctrinated from an early age and even became, say christians, in the first place because of the fear of hell by not being a convert.

It gives me some peace when I or people here try to rationalise why we wouldn't go to hell; when I think about how fellow humans think and react when someone commits suicide - mostly compassion that they were in so much pain that they thought death was the only escape. If humans could be so compassionate, why not a god who apparently is so merciful and has the most compassion and apparently loves us so much.

 

[itsamadworld]

I'm glad for threads like this even if some people here may find them annoying or struggle to understand the thinking - we're depressed, therefore have pessimist-leaning minds, and expect the worst even if it doesn't make sense. My rational mind can't understand why we'd be sent to eternal damnation for wanting to escape the pain, but a lot of us who have these fears were indoctrinated from an early age and even became, say christians, in the first place because of the fear of hell by not being a convert.

It gives me some peace when I or people here try to rationalise why we wouldn't go to hell; when I think about how fellow humans think and react when someone commits suicide - mostly compassion that they were in so much pain that they thought death was the only escape. If humans could be so compassionate, why not a god who apparently is so merciful and has the most compassion and apparently loves us so much.

Agnostic here, but when I was a christian, it was only because of the fear of hell. I was indoctrinated early, but yet, I had my skepticisms. I didn't really believe in gawd until I was 28. I think I developed so much trauma by that point, and I think i freaking lost it,....There was so much pressure put on me through the years, so much i had handle and I had very little support, A few head injuries and fevers, childhood traumas, suicide attempts, deployment, my multiple jobs, education etc..Anyways, after I discovered i was a mentally ill hypocrite, and the church had shunned me anyways long before that point, and becuz of my divorce, and the church just hate on everyone basically, and find every little flaw!!.... I ditched the religions of my family at 34, and i ditched them hard, both catholic and protestant. Drinking a lot, smoking weed, and doing and saying whatever the fuck i wanted..Anyways, They both did me so much psychological harm (Especially the teachings on hell) .., that even today, I get nauseated when I hear a preacher, christian music, or get near a church, basically anything religion.. I can think of this one preacher. Damn, I'd love to punch that c-nt right in his fundamental mouth....But, oh well, I'd rather not think on it, yet i do sometimes..God is most definitely dead to me, and keeping my fingers crossed that I don't loose it again, and believe in any type non sense....i just try to stay away from anything that sounds like religion, lest i fall in another trap. I've done it once, i could do it again....Hoping to cbt soon, so that I don't have to do another 40 years. I've been known to say it, This is is Hell, as far as I can tell. And of course a christain would argue with me, but that's how i see it....Plus, I am super pessimistic this morning because I have to go to work, and I loathe my freaking job....it's basically been like work or poverty for me... And I hate both options....

 

[strand]

I'm not sure if this will help, but I guess I just want to share what helped me disbelieve in punishment from god. When I was younger I wasn't a believer, but I'd pray and I guess apologize to the Christian god for things, mainly because I was scared of punishment (not hell, but in my daily life). What helped me was that I realized (with the help of others obviously) that I'd spent my days afraid of one certain punishment (the one I was indoctrinated into, who would have guessed(/s)) and not other punishments that others believe, even though they could be probably just as possible as the one I believed. Many Christians from my experience don't even think about the possibility of being wrong, or that of a non-christian punishment, and I'm willing to guess that applies to other religious believers too. Now, I'm not saying that we should be afraid of all religious punishments, but we just need a better set of standards of belief. And to take it even further, any religion, especially the Christian one, does not hold up to that kind of investigation, from my experience.

 

[Nuclear Gandhi]

I am very sorry you are going through that. Being stuck in endless limbo is something that I can relate, and I can only imagine how hard is to be to have such complicated relationship with faith.
Religion have important role in human history as regulator of human behaviour through specific rituals and morals. I don't believe in any god (totally subjective opinion) but one can't deny big role of religion as social construct. The main problem for me is that believing in higher power is just another way of escaping from fully responsibility of making YOUR choices. This includes suicide as well, taking the choice away from you, claiming your life doesn't belong to you (if we are talking about Christianity). Primary function of creating stigma like that - preserve life? Control population? Create more fear?
In no way I am encouraging you to abandon your beliefs, but maybe creating belief system that actually supports you through your struggles, not amplify them.
I wish you peace.

 

[TAW122]

I'm not deterred by the "God stuff" specifically. This is because I'm an atheist so I don't believe in a God(s) specifically, but of course, I don't confirm nor deny the possibility of there being a God(s) out there. I oftenly make that distinction because most people in society oftenly assume that atheists claim that there is no God, which is incorrect.

Semantics and tangent aside, personally, I believe that once I CTB or die (no longer existing) then it would be just nothingness, similar to what one was before one was conceived. If I am wrong, then so be it. Either way I'm not deterred by whether there is (or isn't) a God(s) out there and whatever happens after death.