Yes very disappointed. When I was a kid and even for a while as a teenager I had all these hopes and fantasies about the future. What I was gonna be like and what my life was gonna be like. I was so naive. Life turned out to be a slap in the face and a dissapointment. I failed life, never fitted in anywhere, unable to connect, failed to find a place for myself in life. So the inevitable result was a life of isolation and emptiness. No connections or life whatsoever except for family or work related. I think I never had the skills to make life a success and if there truly exists something like social/emotional intelligence I am probably a retard. My life is an embarassment. If I die that would go almost unnoticed and very few people would show up for the funeral. I just got to be an outsider observing from a distance how everyone is living life, I never felt like a participant in life at all but a spectator, it's so bizarre. All I did was existing not living, I feel like I'm a ghost, an empty shell.
It's now so difficult for me to find the energy or motivation to do stuff, for what? There is no hope for me, no prospects. The only thing in the future for me is an even worse life with maybe financial problems, poverty, maybe even homelessness and all I am doing is making sure my life doesn't go completely off the rails. But I know one day I won't have the energy and motivation for that anymore. How can someone who doesn't even want to be alive anymore find motivation and energy? Very difficult. I plan to go out on my own terms with at least a bit of dignity and I have made preparations, which brings a bit more calmth thankfully. I am glad I have a good option to end it all. All I want to do is to let go of life and forget it ever happened, forget about everything and cease to be.
