I know I said I'd be interested but I'd be greatly appreciative and interested if it was before the 4th.
It literally just hit me, my reality, my life, the way the rest of my life will be if I stay. I can't survive in those circumstances, or conditions.
I've survived my 47 years of life through a mother who told me to kill myself, into the arms of an emotionally abusive animal abuser who blames me for his actions. It's my fault that he has to call me names, demeans, it's my fault I have no friends that he never liked. And I am lucky, is what my mom says after I tell what's been going on for 31 years, she tells me I am luck for the house I live in. So the one common denominator is me. I am the problem.
My punishment for trying to stand up for myself, and saying I deserve respect. Nothing but coldness, silent treatment, no hi, no bye, no affection. Unless I breakdown because godforbid I need human contact. Then he will give me a simple hug, once I'm completely so broken. So I just can't do it.
I'm sorry for the trauma dump because that also makes me a bad person. It shouldn't be this hard to leave this fucking world peacefully.