pilotviolin
five lives too late, and there's blood in my hair
- Jan 27, 2024
- 254
i felt brave and went to see a doctor, im getting a referral for PCOS, and i also want to check if i have NCAH or something. i dont know if my parents know anything, my mother would always nag me on not being girly enough. i have physical symptoms of high androgrens. i have considered transitioning to male but i dont know. i feel like i have to transition to become a girl. its hard to talk about because i feel so far removed from "the sums of my parts", and i dont mean to offend other lesbians, transgender people, women in general, or intersex people. it gets messy when you have to account for LGBT experiences, internal misogyny, body dysmorphia, being ugly blah blah blah. all i wish is to be a normal somewhat attractive dude, woman, or least a cute kind of androgynous... not this. i hate having a moustache, i hate having broad shoulders, i hate my genitals, i hate feeling like ive never had a girlhood, i hate not being able to fit in with guys either for various reasons, i hate how people have treated me, i hate the fact youre born and have to deal with this gender and sex shit ontop of other complicated bullshit. ive gotten over wanting a partner, i dont care, but i just want to look and feel different. anyone else relate? are you trans or cis? how do you cope? i dont even know what i am, ill feel pretty awful if no answers come up and im just reluctant to accept i was ever born a normal woman and im just dudeish idfk. its causing me alot of stress and relapse into self harm, i honestly think my scars are the only endearing thing about me as stupid as it sounds.
