Discussion Anyone here bipolar or get mood swings?

[Imgonnadie]

When I'm feeling down everything that's usually an annoyance makes me think I'd rather die than have to deal with all the bullshit in this life one second longer. What a coincidence that this happens most monday-thursday and mostly in the morning before work or well into the afternoon until I get off if it's especially bad that day. Yesterday I came into work mad as fuck thinking about how one of my coworkers talks to me and hating my life so much and I very nearly quit right then and there.
I hate how pliable my mental wellbeing is. Whenever I'm hating work and feel like quitting, my thoughts always turn to suicide even though I wouldnt be on the street if I was unemployed. I dont want to slave away forever, therefore I have to get a degree in something high paying so I can retire early. Furthermore my parents arent going to live forever and wont leave behind shit. Meanwhile I barely have the will or interest in anything to compel me to get out of bed. How tf can I expect to succeed like this? The pressure to succeed in school and work is insane. I haven't seen a primary care doctor in a while and I'm thinking of what to tell them. I cant tell them too much about my suicidal thoughts, and I dont want to be prescribed shitty zombie meds like seroquel that have horrible permanent consequences.

 

[BipolarExpat]

Hi Imgonn...

I can relate.

Mood swings & BP depression feel like a death sentence most days.

I find (when down) that the smallest irritants can become beyond tolerable. Things that I'd barely notice when stable or "high," like recurring sounds in an air con vent, the uncomfortableness of bed sheets, aroma of detergent on clothes or soap in the shower, (for a few recent examples) all seem to add-on to my constant complaint-filled head.
Beyond that, I commonly lose taste for good food, music and other things I used to enjoy (when cycled down).

How can you communicate to others: "Look, nearly 'everything' is bothering me, ok!?"

I'm kind of rambling now but yeah, I cycle and it's horrible. Wanted you to know that you're not alone.

This disorder has caused all sorts of havoc in my life and has left me essentially hopeless about attaining anything near a comfortable retirement or "golden" year status. I'm 48 now.

Highs have relentlessly destroyed and stripped my attempts at savings/investments over the years while lows have left me in a perpetual slide downwards that is now aiming towards absolute destitution.

BP is a beast and since (like most disorders) each victim responds differently to its wrath and any common medications, it remains a highly misunderstood diagnosis.

I'm afraid I don't know how you (or anyone) can succeed (in modern society's terms) but some have apparently pulled it off.

In my own case, (until recently) I'd hidden my issues quite well, was continuously lauded as one of the better teachers on staff (in several different countries/schools), life of the party, etc. and I actually completed (w/ a 4.0) an online MA in Education 2 years ago while severely depressed for more than 1/2 of the duration of studies. Today, it's like a blur. I have no inkling how I was able to pull that off.

I can't seem to hide it much anymore (i.e., new contract/location). This depression is different than others as I see an entirely dismal future that's plagued with financial distress (due to age).

The only bit of advice I can share is...
If you're gonna stay around,...find a way to plow through work and get yourself on a solid savings plan. Pay yourself first each month and find someone you trust 100% and allow him/her to literally lock-up those savings if/when you ascend into mania.

Best of everything to you.

BpEx

 

[Orin]

I've had some pretty extreme mood swings as well.

Like one day i'd be so mad that i'd fantasize about bashing someone's head in with a baseball bat, fully aware that i will go to prison for doing so yet thinking "it would be worth it." Then the next day i'd be horrified at those thoughts and thankful the anger subsided, like i was a totally different person.

 

[Fucking loving it]

I have bipolar type 1 rapid cycling. The shit can be a nightmare.