plurkid
Night is right
- Mar 16, 2023
- 80
Im having a hard time with mother's day. I've always struggled with feeling things, especially for my mom. When she passed I was 16 and now I'm almost 26, I barely remember the things we'd do and the few memories I do have were of me and her either fighting or me doing something that I feel horribly guilty for now. I don't remember the good, even though she absolutely deserves to be remembered in full.
At the family gatherings the fam always talks about their memories but I don't share mine.
I barely remember her face, her voice, her aura of positive energy.
She did her best to raise me the way she thought was right, and when she realized she had made a mistake she turned around and we had a positive relationship where I remember going with her to see movies and get food together, even though I was homeless a couple times, even if I had a warrant out for my arrest or she was using or I was using, we both tried. And eventually we both learned how to do things the right way and I started feeling more love for her. And right when I started to turn my life around she passed, mostly alone in a house full of strangers, people who were borderline abusive of her, just like I used to be when I was really young. I've felt guilty for a long time, both for how I treated her and how I remember her.
I'm at a crossroads where half of me is literally waiting for my grandparents to die so I can ctb and the other half is fighting against that with guilt and anger and disgust (this could be a mix of survival instinct, trauma and a feeling of responsibility to hold up moms name and make her proud)
If I kill myself like half of me wants, I escape the pain but dishonor my mom and my grandparents who don't deserve that. If I stay alive I feel more pain and am forced to endure this bullshit existence and be miserable.
I could say I'm acting very selfishly, like a lot of ctbers are accused of, that I'm being childish or shortsighted or outright crazy, but the pain isn't going away. I've gone to treatment programs for years, had probably at least a dozen therapists over my life and had enlightening experiences, relationships and struggles. But I still crave the void. I don't know what to do. Im a deer in headlights, once my gparents die im 2 steps away from death, but idk if I have the courage (and ironically cowardice) to go through. This has been coming for a long time, and it's become bigger than me. I gave up control a long time ago but I still wine and.groan and weep even though I know I signed up for this and shouldn't be surprised that life sucks.
At the family gatherings the fam always talks about their memories but I don't share mine.
I barely remember her face, her voice, her aura of positive energy.
She did her best to raise me the way she thought was right, and when she realized she had made a mistake she turned around and we had a positive relationship where I remember going with her to see movies and get food together, even though I was homeless a couple times, even if I had a warrant out for my arrest or she was using or I was using, we both tried. And eventually we both learned how to do things the right way and I started feeling more love for her. And right when I started to turn my life around she passed, mostly alone in a house full of strangers, people who were borderline abusive of her, just like I used to be when I was really young. I've felt guilty for a long time, both for how I treated her and how I remember her.
I'm at a crossroads where half of me is literally waiting for my grandparents to die so I can ctb and the other half is fighting against that with guilt and anger and disgust (this could be a mix of survival instinct, trauma and a feeling of responsibility to hold up moms name and make her proud)
If I kill myself like half of me wants, I escape the pain but dishonor my mom and my grandparents who don't deserve that. If I stay alive I feel more pain and am forced to endure this bullshit existence and be miserable.
I could say I'm acting very selfishly, like a lot of ctbers are accused of, that I'm being childish or shortsighted or outright crazy, but the pain isn't going away. I've gone to treatment programs for years, had probably at least a dozen therapists over my life and had enlightening experiences, relationships and struggles. But I still crave the void. I don't know what to do. Im a deer in headlights, once my gparents die im 2 steps away from death, but idk if I have the courage (and ironically cowardice) to go through. This has been coming for a long time, and it's become bigger than me. I gave up control a long time ago but I still wine and.groan and weep even though I know I signed up for this and shouldn't be surprised that life sucks.
