Anyone found the courage to face challenges out of contemplation of suicide?

[a.n.kirillov]

...because I actually want to live. It's just that suicide became my way of opting out of difficult trains of thought.

What I need is an all out effort to fix things and forge a path for myself, very frightening actions I'd have to undertake and I know that, as long as I keep going straight to suicide as an answer to every anxiety provoking action or even merely contemplation of said action, I'll just sit and watch my life spiral further and further towards becoming unbearable.

So, how did you find the determination to quit seeing ctb as a viable means - at least for a while - to make things better?

 

[SlackJim]

Just focus on that thought... 'I want to live', if you can admit that to yourself thats the first step. Don't think that recovery will be easy or happen overnight, and don't beat yourself up if its a slow process. For me I think of it like "I DO want to live, so anything I'm doing that isn't helping me to get better is just prolonging the recovery process, if I'm going to be here, I may as well put all my effort into getting better". The difficulty is that recovery is the unknown, it's a daunting place that seems so unfamiliar, it's easy to get comfortable in depression, it's easy to just crawl into bed and forget the world exists, but it's not helpful.

Take it in small steps, if CBT is the alternative, you don't really have anything to loose, so test the water by trying some of the anxiety provoking actions and see what happens. You may be able to slowly prove to yourself that things aren't as scary as they seem from the outside. Take a moment to imagine how you would act, behave, feel if you were 'recovered', and then pretend you are an actor and behave like that for a while. Say you're socially anxious, maybe put yourself in a social situation and pretend you're confident, you might just trick your brain into believing you ARE confident. The mind is malleable and no behaviours are set in stone, you have the capability to be a new person, you just have to re-wire some long-standing learnt behaviours.

Focus on each day, don't think too much into the future or hold too many expectations, each day that you admit to yourself that you want to get better is a blessing. I hope you can get through this!

 

[Final Escape]

Sort of yea, I feel like I've changed a bit since when I first started to post here maybe not I just want to believe I have lol! No I'm the same I'm still on here. Would I still be here tho if I was truly better, probably. I enjoy the site what can I say. I've probably stayed alive bc of this site. I have some place to post some thoughts and I like hearing the perspectives of other people through their posts.

 

[YukiFox]

In my case I felt better since I accepted myself as trans woman. The death ideations are less frequent that in previous years. Sure, I'm not exempt to think about it, but I can feel more hope since I want to pursuit my true Identity. I'm aware of all challenges of being a trans (I'm in a early stage of transition), but at least my existence is more bearable. I'm still nihilist, I'm far from the hang knot (I think). Unfortunately, I'm not exempt from Death thoughts.

 

[Santiago]

I think knowing that CTB is always an option actually helps me a bit. Whatever happens doesn't matter because there is always a back up plan.

This mindset helps me to take on new challenges.