Discussion anyone else wish they were more impulsive?

[certainty]

**disclaimer: completely understand suicide is ideally not an action done on impulse, but instead a planned and measured approach to ending one's own suffering. impulsivity increases the risk of harm, not always death**

that being said, my brain likes to invalidate myself since i've never attempted before (in part due to the knowledge i've accumulated and knowing if i were to do so, i'd likely have permanent consequences if i survived). sometimes i wish i were more impulsive, because then at least it's a non-zero chance of dying. on top of that, i have low self worth, so although possible failure is scary, i don't particularly care to avoid pain/discomfort when i feel i deserve it. given how logical and thorough i am, i highly doubt i'd ever "randomly" ctb, but damn i wish i'd at least try.

(this isn't to disregard the fact i'm grateful that i haven't "done anything stupid" and permanently damaged myself - rather to point out my own hypocrisy in ideating daily for so long and yet never having the courage to act. both appreciation and frustration exist. the duality of man and all that..)

anyone else think this way at times? i hope this doesn't offend anyone who finds their impulsivity a hinderance, just my experience :)

 

[ifihadnever]

Yes, I totally understand what you are trying to say and I had the exact same discussion with someone else the other day. I'm not impulsive (the complete im finding) and it's actually causing me a lot of distress as I feel it's the 'block' that isn't allowing me to ctb. I think too much, I ruminate too much. I can imagine being impulsive comes with its own set of difficulties. But for me- if I was impulsive I do think I could ctb and be at peace (instead of overthinking every situation without any action).

 

[Vlad Tepes]

I wish I was a lot more decisive. I tend to act in the heat of the moment and then immediately regret it. I can not make my mind up about shit. I notice I oscillate between the two poles of being hyper-meticulous about everything on the one hand and then being hyper-impulsive on the other. My shrink says its largely because of my AuDHD, among other things.

 

[certainty]

I think too much, I ruminate too much

incredibly relatable, hope we both find peace somehow

I wish I was a lot more decisive

that's a good point honestly. maybe "impulsive" isn't necessarily what i'm going for, but rather a stronger sense of decisiveness that would break me out of the mental gymnastics i'm stuck in. wishing you well

 

[Kurwenal]

You speak directly to me. I haven't had an actual attempt in about 3 years, I think. Each of my past attempts were pure impulse. Grab that box of pills, chug, chug, chug; grab that belt, hang, hang, hang. At the time, my mind told me it had to be done and it had to be done NOW. It all failed, of course. I had done no research, knew nothing about anything, really. So it was doomed to just end me up in a medical ward followed by a psych ward.

Now, I can't find that impulse. I try. I try so hard to goad myself into things. But that spark of urgency won't appear. Perhaps it's because I now know, firsthand and through reading accounts, of what can go wrong. I can't even settle for certain on a method now, much less plan a set date. All I can hope for is that I can make my plans as best I can, so that when the urgency and the impulse do strike again, I have the means at hand to give myself a better chance of success.

Don't feel bad about what you call your own hypocrisy. By all accounts, we have SI so deeply ingrained in us through millennia of breeding. There is no shame in fear of death, in fear of aiming to die, in fear of failing. There is only shame in a world that has created the circumstances that led everyone to this forum. If you are a hypocrite, so too am I. But all any of us wants is peace, rest, freedom. The path to those is always going to be very difficult indeed, whether through life or death. Do not be ashamed for wanting to die. Likewise, do not be ashamed for wanting to live.

One final note: everyone is a hypocrite in just about everything. Even those with the most strict of convictions on any one point will have a crack somewhere, some exception somewhere that crumbles their claims. I am a hypocrite with every word, action and breath. The fact is that we can't have hard and fast rules that work in every single feasible situation. The world, and particularly human society, is too complex for that to be possible. So we are all hypocrites in some way.

I personally am glad you haven't had an impulsive attempt that permanently damaged you, as you say. That can only ever make an already horrible situation so much worse. I wish you peace, however you may find it.

 

[certainty]

Now, I can't find that impulse. I try. I try so hard to goad myself into things. But that spark of urgency won't appear. Perhaps it's because I now know, firsthand and through reading accounts, of what can go wrong. I can't even settle for certain on a method now, much less plan a set date. All I can hope for is that I can make my plans as best I can, so that when the urgency and the impulse do strike again, I have the means at hand to give myself a better chance of success.

as trivial as it may sound, i hope you heal from the trauma of those attempts. i can only imagine how demoralizing and scary it could be, let alone how it complicates further planning. naturally, i hope the "when" is an "if", but you've got my support nonetheless.

There is no shame in fear of death, in fear of aiming to die, in fear of failing. There is only shame in a world that has created the circumstances that led everyone to this forum. If you are a hypocrite, so too am I. But all any of us wants is peace, rest, freedom.

i genuinely appreciate and empathize with all aspects of your reply, but this part really stuck with me. truly, thank you for offering your perspective and solidarity - i find little comfort in most things lately, but knowing there are others that understand does ease the burden. i'm not nearly as eloquent, but i hope you find the peace, rest, and freedom you're seeking.

 

[divinemistress36]

Yes, I could be dead from sn by now if I was more implusive

 

[UtopianSoliloquies]

Absolutely. All the times I was closest to CTB, I wouldn't really plan an attempt. My SI seemed to prevent me from killing myself on a set schedule. Instead, I would do all the possible research I could about methods. I would make every preparation possible so that I would always be "ready to go". But after all of that was done, I would just wait and hope. I wanted so badly for something to just push me over the edge, some negative thing to give me the impulse to finally end it. In a way, it was hardly impulsive. I always wanted to die, and the impulse was just something I was consciously leveraging to get to my goal.

 

[fedup1982]

Absolutely. Dying is HARD and for me at least it now seems unless I magically become super impulsive Im going to be drowning in this swamp for decades more. What I need is to forget that jumping off beachy head cliffs could leave me suffering at the bottom so I can finally, finally die. Fuck this cruel existence propagated by ignorant cunts multiplying just because it's the done thing. Fck the breeders and their fcking legacy

 

[Kurwenal]

as trivial as it may sound, i hope you heal from the trauma of those attempts. i can only imagine how demoralizing and scary it could be, let alone how it complicates further planning. naturally, i hope the "when" is an "if", but you've got my support nonetheless.


i genuinely appreciate and empathize with all aspects of your reply, but this part really stuck with me. truly, thank you for offering your perspective and solidarity - i find little comfort in most things lately, but knowing there are others that understand does ease the burden. i'm not nearly as eloquent, but i hope you find the peace, rest, and freedom you're seeking.

I think everyone will react in their own individual way to a failed or aborted attempt. For some, it could even be a wake-up call, something they consider a sign that they are to work to improve their lot, never to seek suicide again. For others, it could be almost a form of practice, whereby each successive attempt feels like working towards an ultimate goal, where a 'failed' attempt is moreso a learning experience. For others still, a category in which I have fallen, it neither lessens the desire for an escape from life nor lessens the fear of future attempts. Nobody, I think, can know with certainty how they will react after they make an attempt and end up alive. But it will have an effect, most assuredly.

Thank you for your kindness and support. It's funny how often when I write to try to offer some kind of support to another user's dilemma, they end up supporting me all the more in return. I appreciate your kind words. I wish you all the very best, whatever may happen for you.

 

[ChamberOfEchoes]

For me, impulsiveness is the prelude to failure. I believe it's necessary to face the fears I have inside; only then can I achieve the results I hope for.