Discussion Anyone else want to CTB due to anxiety and fear?

[eternalmelancholy]

Hello I am a long time lurker and first time poster. I want to CTB due to an inescapable fear of people.

I was raised by ultra strict parents who would beat me, humiliate me and starve me whenever they felt like I was being a bad boy. They told me it was for my own good and that I would grow up to thank them. Thinking back they just used me to vent their own frustrations and stress. I think they enjoyed abusing someone who couldn't fight back.

I was home schooled for most of my life and only entered public education in high school. I had no clue how to talk to other kids and I was afraid of the teachers because I thought they were going to hurt me. I spent most of my time in the back of the classroom completely silent. During freetime and lunch I would just hide away in the library by myself.

In recent years I've been bouncing around different jobs. I am hard worker and try my best but since I cannot communicate with others eventually things sour and I end up leaving. Eventually I found work I could do from home, even before the pandemic quarantine. All I do is stay inside my apartment because I am afraid of going outside. I make a trip once every 2 weeks for groceries. Everything else I have delivered.

I do not make a lot of money working from home, it barely covers the basics but allowing me to stay home is a trade off that I am willing to make. But this means I live in the bad part of town. I've been assaulted, robbed and my car broken into. I would like to move to a safer area but I cannot afford to.

At this point I do not even know why I am still alive. I dread my existence and try to sleep as much as possible to escape. I know I can't live like this forever. I just feel so ashamed and embarrassed of my life. People are going nuts because they have been locked inside for 12 months due to the coronavirus. I've been living like this for the past 4 years.

 

[WornOutLife]

First of all, I'm really sorry you've gone through so much throughout this damn thing called "life".
However, I think you're quite strong. You've managed to work and be an independent person. That is not easy at all.

I'm not exactly "scared" of people but I really hate pretending to be happy all the time so, I lost all my friends and I'm really lonely. The only people I talk to are my family, students and you, my ss friends.

As for the anxiety, yes, that's one reason for me to ctb. I'm too anxious and mad about life, afterlife and existing in general. Just what are we? I want answers but religion sucks and science is not there still. The universe is so mysterious!

I hope we're living in a simulation and once we die it all makes sense.

Anyway, wish you the best pal and WELCOME TO SS! Enjoy your stay!

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I haven't spoken to my parents in years and I do not really know my relatives either. I wish I had a normal life but I know it is not possible due to my upbringing. I can't even afford to try new things even if I could overcome my fear and actually leave my apartment.

When I am forced to go out like for grocery shopping, I go really early in the morning to avoid crowds. I do not leave my apartment at night because the neighborhood is really sketchy and I've been attacked before. I am a prisoner in my home but the alternative is even worse. I just want to die already. I think it is only a matter of time. I can't continue living like this.