Discussion Anyone else want to CTB die to HUMILATION?

[Dawn0071111]

I was wondering what is the deepest motivation for wanting to die. I feel humiliated because I have come to believe that I caused my trauma from last summer. That my brain betrayed me and I cannot be sure how much of it was me..and how much was the perpetrator. I think it was 50/50. But since I was in love with this person, my behaviour in the end- I ran away and never looked back until my suicide attempt....... I was in a fog. I went insane. I sent a 50 page handwritten suicide, letter, picture of us and my necklace as a keepsake. No matter what the final analysis may be, I hate myself. I believe that if I wasn't so damaged, I would have acted differenlty. I would be happy and in love. And even if I wasn't I would not have humiliated myself. Lowered myself. The truth of my desperation was exposed and it was stepped upon with no empathy, but I feel like it was all my fault. I want to murder myself. A lot of people kill themselves because they can't shake that feeling of humiliation. Of an imaginary finger pointing at me laughing. I agree with it. My ego is so fragile. It shattered, my freinds turned against me or blamed me. I REFUSE TO LIVE AS THE "CRAZY GIRL" and its too late not to be. It's all I think about. I miss him everyday. I am embarrassed beyond despair. I hate myself. I am so sad. I HAVE to kill myself because I ruined it. My brain BETRAYED me. FUck living in a body and mind that isn't in alignment with my deisre and will.

I have a date set. Before the end of October. No more self centeredess... No more being so folded in on myself and my little problems that I am nothing but a leech, an emotional scavenger. The girl who tried to kill herself over a guy she knew 3 months. I hate her. She must die. I'm so sorry for the insane morbidity of this. I know it seems like I am writing through lens of insanity. But this world is enough to make soft souls insane.

I bought a scale today to measure out SN. I think the C0 is going to be too much of a hassle because I would have to rent a vehicle (was thinking a moving truck)...

I love everyone here. But I want to just shut down the humiliation of being "that girl" even if I am the only one who knows. I failed. There will be no self forgiveness. No learning from the past and moving on. I know I missed my chance. And even if I didn't ---- I am not letting hope in. I refuse to. I am defiant. I am warped. I want to be resuced, saved. Loved and taken care of forever. I am not fit to live in the harsh adult world. I will never be able to get over how I could ever over-value and lift to the level of a God a mere man who treated me like shit...... And I will lay down in my chosen method and say fuck it. sleep girl sleep.. It will all be over soon. And as I drift off I can see us dancing ---- no more embrassment of my fantasies and my shame of being so worthless that I can't carry them out. The rage of not being a powerful sexy, beautiful woman. I will die NEVER having been in true love. I'm obviously not CAPABLE of it. SO I will trash the whole thing. Isolated, alone, humilated, betrayed by my mind. To willfull and insane to do anything about it except swallow the poison...................

Will I get dizzy? Fade to black? WIll I convulse, choke for air? Feel my heart palpilating? So the fuck what? I can get through it. Millions of others have, and I shall too. Every 40 seconds.... SOmeone else boards the bus..... Every 40 seconds..someone else is tired of this shit. And one of them might have been the perfect match for me. Tragic.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yes. That is actually a very large part of why I am going to ctb. I've always thought of it as one of the few most negative emotions one can have. It kills you figuratively, and if severe enough, literally. A stain that will never wash off. It's especially excruciating if you are a prideful person.

 

[sadgirl2002]

Yes, the main reason for ctb. The self-hatred, anger, humiliation, shame, regret, all are what I feel towards myself. I wish I didn't do it, I didn't want to. If I could turn back time and change things, I would. I've lost the girl I was, I spent all my years running away from one thing; only to find that no matter where I ran, it ended up crashing into me. I just want to end myself, I've betrayed the girl I was and I don't want to live. I look at old photos and I'm hurting inside. Nothing can change the feelings I feel towards myself. The disgust and remorse for who I am. I'm filthy on the inside, I have nothing good left in me anymore.

 

[White_Room293]

I was wondering what is the deepest motivation for wanting to die. I feel humiliated because I have come to believe that I caused my trauma from last summer. That my brain betrayed me and I cannot be sure how much of it was me..and how much was the perpetrator. I think it was 50/50. But since I was in love with this person, my behaviour in the end- I ran away and never looked back until my suicide attempt....... I was in a fog. I went insane. I sent a 50 page handwritten suicide, letter, picture of us and my necklace as a keepsake. No matter what the final analysis may be, I hate myself. I believe that if I wasn't so damaged, I would have acted differenlty. I would be happy and in love. And even if I wasn't I would not have humiliated myself. Lowered myself. The truth of my desperation was exposed and it was stepped upon with no empathy, but I feel like it was all my fault. I want to murder myself. A lot of people kill themselves because they can't shake that feeling of humiliation. Of an imaginary finger pointing at me laughing. I agree with it. My ego is so fragile. It shattered, my freinds turned against me or blamed me. I REFUSE TO LIVE AS THE "CRAZY GIRL" and its too late not to be. It's all I think about. I miss him everyday. I am embarrassed beyond despair. I hate myself. I am so sad. I HAVE to kill myself because I ruined it. My brain BETRAYED me. FUck living in a body and mind that isn't in alignment with my deisre and will.

I have a date set. Before the end of October. No more self centeredess... No more being so folded in on myself and my little problems that I am nothing but a leech, an emotional scavenger. The girl who tried to kill herself over a guy she knew 3 months. I hate her. She must die. I'm so sorry for the insane morbidity of this. I know it seems like I am writing through lens of insanity. But this world is enough to make soft souls insane.

I bought a scale today to measure out SN. I think the C0 is going to be too much of a hassle because I would have to rent a vehicle (was thinking a moving truck)...

I love everyone here. But I want to just shut down the humiliation of being "that girl" even if I am the only one who knows. I failed. There will be no self forgiveness. No learning from the past and moving on. I know I missed my chance. And even if I didn't ---- I am not letting hope in. I refuse to. I am defiant. I am warped. I want to be resuced, saved. Loved and taken care of forever. I am not fit to live in the harsh adult world. I will never be able to get over how I could ever over-value and lift to the level of a God a mere man who treated me like shit...... And I will lay down in my chosen method and say fuck it. sleep girl sleep.. It will all be over soon. And as I drift off I can see us dancing ---- no more embrassment of my fantasies and my shame of being so worthless that I can't carry them out. The rage of not being a powerful sexy, beautiful woman. I will die NEVER having been in true love. I'm obviously not CAPABLE of it. SO I will trash the whole thing. Isolated, alone, humilated, betrayed by my mind. To willfull and insane to do anything about it except swallow the poison...................

Will I get dizzy? Fade to black? WIll I convulse, choke for air? Feel my heart palpilating? So the fuck what? I can get through it. Millions of others have, and I shall too. Every 40 seconds.... SOmeone else boards the bus..... Every 40 seconds..someone else is tired of this shit. And one of them might have been the perfect match for me. Tragic.

You can either accept or ignore that no one will save you and you will ultimately die alone with or without a partner. You are your own reality.

 

[Dawn0071111]

You can either accept or ignore that no one will save you and you will ultimately die alone with or without a partner. You are your own reality.

Yup. True. Already accepted that.. and my response to it is to kindly opt out.

 

[marconk]

Yeah, "humiliation" is the best word to sum up my life. Life has humiliated me in many different, creative ways (I'm almost impressed in a way). I wish I could just disappear. But I'm also still craving for revenge (deluded).

Btw whatever you do I hope you find some kind of peace because you're always very hard on yourself.

 

[AsexualBarbieBoy]

The shame I feel is crippling.

Yes, the main reason for ctb. The self-hatred, anger, humiliation, shame, regret, all are what I feel towards myself. I wish I didn't do it, I didn't want to. If I could turn back time and change things, I would. I've lost the girl I was, I spent all my years running away from one thing; only to find that no matter where I ran, it ended up crashing into me. I just want to end myself, I've betrayed the girl I was and I don't want to live. I look at old photos and I'm hurting inside. Nothing can change the feelings I feel towards myself. The disgust and remorse for who I am. I'm filthy on the inside, I have nothing good left in me anymore.

Excellently put.

 

[azucaramargo]

I was wondering what is the deepest motivation for wanting to die. I feel humiliated because I have come to believe that I caused my trauma from last summer. That my brain betrayed me and I cannot be sure how much of it was me..and how much was the perpetrator. I think it was 50/50. But since I was in love with this person, my behaviour in the end- I ran away and never looked back until my suicide attempt....... I was in a fog. I went insane. I sent a 50 page handwritten suicide, letter, picture of us and my necklace as a keepsake. No matter what the final analysis may be, I hate myself. I believe that if I wasn't so damaged, I would have acted differenlty. I would be happy and in love. And even if I wasn't I would not have humiliated myself. Lowered myself. The truth of my desperation was exposed and it was stepped upon with no empathy, but I feel like it was all my fault. I want to murder myself. A lot of people kill themselves because they can't shake that feeling of humiliation. Of an imaginary finger pointing at me laughing. I agree with it. My ego is so fragile. It shattered, my freinds turned against me or blamed me. I REFUSE TO LIVE AS THE "CRAZY GIRL" and its too late not to be. It's all I think about. I miss him everyday. I am embarrassed beyond despair. I hate myself. I am so sad. I HAVE to kill myself because I ruined it. My brain BETRAYED me. FUck living in a body and mind that isn't in alignment with my deisre and will.

I have a date set. Before the end of October. No more self centeredess... No more being so folded in on myself and my little problems that I am nothing but a leech, an emotional scavenger. The girl who tried to kill herself over a guy she knew 3 months. I hate her. She must die. I'm so sorry for the insane morbidity of this. I know it seems like I am writing through lens of insanity. But this world is enough to make soft souls insane.

I bought a scale today to measure out SN. I think the C0 is going to be too much of a hassle because I would have to rent a vehicle (was thinking a moving truck)...

I love everyone here. But I want to just shut down the humiliation of being "that girl" even if I am the only one who knows. I failed. There will be no self forgiveness. No learning from the past and moving on. I know I missed my chance. And even if I didn't ---- I am not letting hope in. I refuse to. I am defiant. I am warped. I want to be resuced, saved. Loved and taken care of forever. I am not fit to live in the harsh adult world. I will never be able to get over how I could ever over-value and lift to the level of a God a mere man who treated me like shit...... And I will lay down in my chosen method and say fuck it. sleep girl sleep.. It will all be over soon. And as I drift off I can see us dancing ---- no more embrassment of my fantasies and my shame of being so worthless that I can't carry them out. The rage of not being a powerful sexy, beautiful woman. I will die NEVER having been in true love. I'm obviously not CAPABLE of it. SO I will trash the whole thing. Isolated, alone, humilated, betrayed by my mind. To willfull and insane to do anything about it except swallow the poison...................

Will I get dizzy? Fade to black? WIll I convulse, choke for air? Feel my heart palpilating? So the fuck what? I can get through it. Millions of others have, and I shall too. Every 40 seconds.... SOmeone else boards the bus..... Every 40 seconds..someone else is tired of this shit. And one of them might have been the perfect match for me. Tragic.

Dawn0071111, I send you so much love and admiration. You are a renegade and a rock star. Please accept my compliments.

 

[Dawn0071111]

Yeah, "humiliation" is the best word to sum up my life. Life has humiliated me in many different, creative ways (I'm almost impressed in a way). I wish I could just disappear. But I'm also still craving for revenge (deluded).

Btw whatever you do I hope you find some kind of peace because you're always very hard on yourself.

WHy do you say that craving revenge is part of your delusion? Is it because you feel that life itself has wronged you and there really is no way to get revenge on "life"? Also, you mentioned that I am always hard on myself. I'm tripping because people have said that to me a lot..... How can we tell if a person is being hard on themselves or high standards or unreasonable?

 

[wendydong1]

yes. deep down, i am humilated at my experience of last 6 months or so...

 

[Sweet emotion]

I'm not humiliated. I'm in severe physical pain and have been for 14 years. I know I'm strong but the way I'm living is just inhumane and it shouldn't happen to anyone. I am making my own choice to end the suffering since doctors can't help me.

 

[Edward1]

I've suffered humiliation in seemingly unrelated events throughout my life (from the age of 6), all of which have culminated in me now thinking 'no more'. However hard I've tried to break out of the humiliation loop I just seem to make it worse for myself. It's almost a comedy of errors. Ha!

 

[marconk]

WHy do you say that craving revenge is part of your delusion? Is it because you feel that life itself has wronged you and there really is no way to get revenge on "life"? Also, you mentioned that I am always hard on myself. I'm tripping because people have said that to me a lot..... How can we tell if a person is being hard on themselves or high standards or unreasonable?

I get what you mean with having high standards etc., but you always have a bad word for yourself (lazy, pathetic, hypocrite,...) so in that sense I think you're too hard on yourself

 

[Rachel74]

I'm humiliated at the hurt I've done to others.

 

[Final Escape]

I'm humiliated at the hurt I've done to others.

I look back at my actions with bpd before I knew what was actually wrong. It didn't help I was on adderall as well. My life has been really an embarrassment to my family and I even murdered my unborn kids through abortion. I'm aware I can't blame everything on myself because I was raised in a dysfunctional broken chaotic home with single mother who basically didn't care about what happened to me. It doesn't change that I feel humiliated and like I'd been set up to fail in life.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I've suffered humiliation in seemingly unrelated events throughout my life (from the age of 6), all of which have culminated in me now thinking 'no more'. However hard I've tried to break out of the humiliation loop I just seem to make it worse for myself. It's almost a comedy of errors. Ha!

I hear you on the "comedy of errors" thing. I can also relate to coming to a breaking point where we say.. "no more". Im so in that place, and Sadly, I force myself to stay there because CTB is the option I want the most and if my resolve fades then I will be trapped... unable to live or die... I hope you find the soothing for that unbearable state and feeling... humiliarion is a complete loss of basic dignity.

 

[Edward1]

I hear you on the "comedy of errors" thing. I can also relate to coming to a breaking point where we say.. "no more". Im so in that place, and Sadly, I force myself to stay there because CTB is the option I want the most and if my resolve fades then I will be trapped... unable to live or die... I hope you find the soothing for that unbearable state and feeling... humiliarion is a complete loss of basic dignity.

Yes, very good point. It does very much feel like a loss of human dignity. And because your past stays with you through the memory of others (at least until they die) you can never rid yourself of that feeling. Every now and then those historical humiliating times catch me unawares and I'm left thinking abiut the best way to kill myself again.

 

[marconk]

And because your past stays with you through the memory of others (at least until they die) you can never rid yourself of that feeling.

I keep thinking about this lately. I wish I could delete myself from other people's memories. That would give me some peace. Yes I know they're not thinking about me 99.99999% of the time, but that 0.00001% makes me sick. I can't stand the shame anymore.

 

[Dawn0071111]

I keep thinking about this lately. I wish I could delete myself from other people's memories. That would give me some peace. Yes I know they're not thinking about me 99.99999% of the time, but that 0.00001% makes me sick. I can't stand the shame anymore.

Yes! For me, I wish I could get the perfect labotomy. That could keep me from ctb if I could just have the entire event erased from my mind as if it never happened.

 

[Oyoy]

I was caught up with a guy who let me take care of him. He kept calling me cheep
I felt guilt and wanted to prove I am good enough. He yelled at me to kill myself because I loved staying home. Lost my home and my dignity.

 

[Final Escape]

I was caught up with a guy who let me take care of him. He kept calling me cheep
I felt guilt and wanted to prove I am good enough. He yelled at me to kill myself because I loved staying home. Lost my home and my dignity.

What a terrible dude.

 

[Oyoy]

What a terrible dude.

Thank you. I know I shouldn't identify with it but it was in front of people. I asked to call police and nobody would. It was my fault. I asked a psychic to tell me what happened for closure but she said I attracted him. I ended up living in my home town which makes me depressed. I need a cool landlord. It's ironic how I don't want anyone to end there life but I want there apartment if they do so I won't end my own life.

 

[peacefully31425]

I'd say that my deep sense of shame has definitely contributed to my desire to ctb. I remember that at my last appointment, my therapist pointed out how much of my behavior was influenced by shame and it really opened up my eyes. Once you live with something long enough it just seems normal.