Venting Anyone else want to ctb but they are afraid to?

[LifeSucks39]

I can't stand my life anymore but I'm afraid to ctb.

 

[s1mplem3]

I'm scared to die alone, but I'm not scared of death.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

I couldn't do it yesterday. And in December.

 

[Lady black]

I also can´t do it alone

 

[the box is empty]

I'm afraid I'll mess it up or I'll lose my resolve at the last moment.
A couple of years ago I had a close brush and I was strangely calm. "So this is it" was the only thought on my mind.

I plan to do it alone.

 

[Giraffey]

What is it about death that scares you? Is it the 'before' - as in executing the method, how it's going to feel, struggling alone? Is it the 'during' - as in the moment of death, how it might feel, will you be conscious of the 'moment', will it be black and white (suddenly goes black) or more like day and night (gradually fading to darkness). Or is it the 'after' - what about family, what about consequences of an afterlife, what does it 'feel' like to be dead? Etc.

For me, it's the after that troubles me. I can't quite wrap my head around the idea that once I do go, all of my thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams - even those long extinguished will cease to exist, and from my personal perspective it will be like rewinding time as if I'd never been born.

It's something I'm working on though, I've been debating whether to do a 'simulated' death where I basically go through the motions of my plan but without the actual suicide element and knock myself out for a few days with some strong meds so when I wake up I'll have an idea of what it felt like to slip away.

The other important thing for me is the moments right before death. I don't want to have a near death experience that's negative, so I'm considering using a hallucinogen to design a positive, spiritual experience for myself right before I die so my final moments will feel like visiting the afterlife - even if no such place really exists.

Anyway, sorry for going on - can relate to you all.

 

[Squiddy]

I'm afraid of the unknown (what comes after death)

 

[TStorm]

I'm not really afraid. A little bit because it might be painful but then I'll never have to feel any pain ever again so I'm happy for that. I'm more afraid of failing again and having to face the consequences of that mess again.

 

[Otter]

My only fear is surviving and living in a reduced state (physically or mentally disabled) and unable to try again. Sheer torment!

 

[Giraffey]

My only fear is surviving and living in a reduced state (physically or mentally disabled) and unable to try again. Sheer torment!

Not sure what country you're in Otter, but in the UK at least you can prepare a living will so that if something happens and you get into that state, you have it recorded in a legal document that your wish is for your life not to be prolonged. I have one myself that includes a set of specific situations in which I am not to be forced to eat/drink or given life-preserving treatment or resuscitated.

I also have a provision that by signing another document (with two witnesses present) I can trigger a kind of 'right to die' provision outside of those specific circumstances once 30 days have elapsed. It gives me a period to cool off and evaluate whether I really want to die and strengthens my hand legally (so I was advised anyway).

Depending on the laws where you are, it can be good peace of mind knowing that if something goes wrong your spirit won't be trapped in a hospital bed like crystal.

 

[Otter]

Not sure what country you're in Otter, but in the UK at least you can prepare a living will so that if something happens and you get into that state, you have it recorded in a legal document that your wish is for your life not to be prolonged. I have one myself that includes a set of specific situations in which I am not to be forced to eat/drink or given life-preserving treatment or resuscitated.

I also have a provision that by signing another document (with two witnesses present) I can trigger a kind of 'right to die' provision outside of those specific circumstances once 30 days have elapsed. It gives me a period to cool off and evaluate whether I really want to die and strengthens my hand legally (so I was advised anyway).

Depending on the laws where you are, it can be good peace of mind knowing that if something goes wrong your spirit won't be trapped in a hospital bed like crystal.

yeah, I would have a DNR in place, but what I'm talking about is not necessarily vegetative state or anything just maybe bedridden and unable to obtain CTB supplies again.

 

[oxymoron]

I can't stand my life anymore but I'm afraid to ctb.

It's either black or white my friend. Life sucks I know, I've been graying for 2 years now and things have only fallen off the shelf.