Venting Anyone else told to stop being a victim?

[CrazyMary]

Long story short, I just finished an argument with an ex. She wants to be friends and I don´t feel ready for that yet. She send me some pictures of her holidays and I ask for her to stop doing that, that I don´t want to see other people´s holidays as I can´t travel right now due to covid and taking care of my mother. She just replied stop being a victim, your life is not the worst in the world and you have a lot to live for. I don´t know why it resonated a lot. Has anyone else being told stop being a victim or realized they were acting like one? How did you overcome it?

 

[Pookie]

Sounds like she's being abusive. I don't see how you're being a victim by asking her to stop sending you holiday pics. Why can't she respect your request?

 

[Jantje]

When someone tells me that I should stop being a victim it's just a sign that they are not willing to be supportive. A friend would be supportive and maybe give their opinion in a constructive way. Saying someone is being a victim is neither of those.

I overcame situations like these by ghosting the person.

 

[262653]

Overcome what? Being a victim? Being a victim in the eyes of someone else? Being called a victim by some particular person or group? I can attest that recieving insults does sometimes provide me with emotional encouragement to take action and change something in some way.

It's not clear to me if you're "acting like a victim" by asking her to stop doing something that makes you feel unpleasant in some way, since I don't know the (bigger) context, but in what you've provided I sense some sort of manipulation. You've made a seemingly reasonable request, asked her not to do something and explained how that makes you feel unpleasant, and in response I see an appeal to worse problems, and an attempt to make you feel guilty for expressing your concerns. Doesn't sound like someone I'd want to be friends with, unless I'm a masochist, or the benefits of a friendship outweigh such disdainful attitude.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

People tell me that bullshit too. She should have just respected your request, there was no reason for her to make such an insensitive statement.

Always get told that I have a "victim mentality" because of my PTSD. Right, I'm sure these people would be able to cope with horrific traumtizing events without any difficulties whatsoever. Using victim mentality as an insult is just victim blaming honestly.

 

[MindFrog]

There are some merit in her words. A "victim" mindset does exist and it can make you sink even further.

But well... a good behavior can only take so far especially if the odds a stacked against you. Sometimes you also need help from outside.

I've been told about this a few times but let me tell you this..

There are people out there who tells this to downplay your own pain. Like saying you have to fix this on your own. It's easy to see. Just wait if they reach their hand to help. If not, you'll know.

 

[Frauw]

Seems like you need space and set a boundary she's not respecting

 

[Ghost2211]

It might be good to discontinue contact if she is going to treat you so poorly. You made a reasonable request, and didn't deserve to be shamed and invalidated for it. I would be surprised if she didn't have a history of downplaying your feelings and needs.

 

[Tired_Tired]

Why you don't block her except that you still want to be with her? I think it's common couples(even just in relationship) blocked each other. To block her, you can avoid unnecessary arguments.

 

[Kassender]

I've dealt with people like that all my life.

It's funny, but i realized that they need someone to be the victim.
Someone to look down upon.

They tell you 'stop being a victim'
but you'll never be anything else for them.
They will treat you as such so they can berate you for recognizing you're being 'victimized'.

You do what you want with this, but honestly, i agree with everyone here :
Stop talking to this person.

 

[CrazyMary]

When someone tells me that I should stop being a victim it's just a sign that they are not willing to be supportive. A friend would be supportive and maybe give their opinion in a constructive way. Saying someone is being a victim is neither of those.

I overcame situations like these by ghosting the person.

I have tried to do that for 3 years!! She always comes back as a "friend" and ends up doing this kind of stuff

There are some merit in her words. A "victim" mindset does exist and it can make you sink even further.

But well... a good behavior can only take so far especially if the odds a stacked against you. Sometimes you also need help from outside.

I've been told about this a few times but let me tell you this..

There are people out there who tells this to downplay your own pain. Like saying you have to fix this on your own. It's easy to see. Just wait if they reach their hand to help. If not, you'll know.

She has tried to help, but I guess she doesnt understand limits or depression.

It might be good to discontinue contact if she is going to treat you so poorly. You made a reasonable request, and didn't deserve to be shamed and invalidated for it. I would be surprised if she didn't have a history of downplaying your feelings and needs.

Totally, she is a complicated person.

Why you don't block her except that you still want to be with her? I think it's common couples(even just in relationship) blocked each other. To block her, you can avoid unnecessary arguments.

I blocked her everywhere except email She has had health issues in the past and I wanted to leave a channel open in case she needed me. But I guess now I will probably block her everywhere. Maybe in another world I could be with her. But every time she just confirms that I am better off with her. She is an expert manipulator.

 

[Pookie]

I have tried to do that for 3 years!! She always comes back as a "friend" and ends up doing this kind of stuff

She has tried to help, but I guess she doesnt understand limits or depression.

Totally, she is a complicated person.

I blocked her everywhere except email She has had health issues in the past and I wanted to leave a channel open in case she needed me. But I guess now I will probably block her everywhere. Maybe in another world I could be with her. But every time she just confirms that I am better off with her. She is an expert manipulator.

She does indeed sound manipulative.

 

[Going Home]

She sounds like an abusive person. People like that want to see others hurt.

 

[loopylou]

Yes a lot!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I too hate it when people say this to me because no matter how right they are, they only say it as a last resort when they've run out of constructive things to say.

 

[blue_muse]

Is it not the very types who tell someone to stop being a victim, the same type who expect an outpouring of sympathy when something goes wrong for them.

 

[Lupgevif]

My mother says that all the time, specially when I complain of something mean she has done or said to me.

 

[Ghostly]

always

 

[stygal]

Yes, I have and I hate it.
As if the other person got to decide how I feel about certain things and my feelings didn't matter and I had/have to "improve" somehow.
Made me mad every single time - this arrogance to force your view on others.

Even if the majority of the world saw me as a victim...ffs let me be a victim in peace then.

 

[Superdeterminist]

If there's one line I hate, it's that one.