Jesus this is so tiring I feel like I am literally doing a mental backflip every hour. I logically know I should CTB but of course my dumb ass brain seems to forget the reality of life because I ate a nice dinner or something. I need to start thinking of future instead of jsut living day-to-day all the time. Nothing will change and things only can get worse. I am so desperate for hope it almost blinds me from remembering how things truly are. I am getting tired of this constant fight in my head and honestly I am thinking about CTB just so the endless debate can end. Anyone else?
I hear you there, we got so caught in the trappings of the web of life at times that we just can't escape it. Bills are fucking due, you have to clean your house, change the oil in your car, a dinner date with a love interest when you know it'll all go to hell anyways, a new movie comes out, etc.
Then it's 1am and your smoking a cigarette on your back porch thinking "what is the point and why haven't I taken my SN yet?" then you get a text from said love interest, your parents, a friend so you get dragged back into things.
Sometimes I wish I could just disappear someplace for a week with only some basic supplies, no phone, and SN and just get away from it all before ending things on my own terms and on my own time. I already know I'll never be able to love again since my ex-wife left me over a year ago, I already know my life isn't going to improve, I already know that life is just a waiting room at this point.
People tend to give you hope and tether you to this existence and 9 times out of 10 that hope is misplaced and given far too much meaning by our desperate psyche's. There have been multiple occasions where I would have CTB but I didn't have the tools at my disposal to do so as I had wished, now that I have the necessary tools I've yet to be sufficiently pushed to go through with what I feel is the only way to achieve peace.
I've been through a rollercoaster of emotions ranging from anger, despair, mania, and apathy and I'm just sick of having to deal with the human condition. Sure, there are good times but the bad outweighs the good and that isn't just my perception nitpicking things either.
I'm 35, my body is mostly shot from years of excessive drinking and drug use, I can't even drink a shot of vodka without going into the fetal position and cringing in pain as my guts feel like they are tying themselves in knots, if I take over 30mg's of opiates these days it's the same scenerio...
I can't even get an erection these days because I'm so traumatized by all I've been through.
At this point everything solely consists of going through the motions and if that is life then I want no part of it, yet here I am still because it seems everyone is obviously aware that I'm suffering so they all keep reaching out with what amounts to "are you okay?" and then when I reply "yes" the conversation ends, people are apparently afraid of losing me but it's obvious that they don't want to put in any real effort and the last time I spilled my guts to another person I had to backpedal so hard to avoid being committed to a hospital that I may as well have ended up in another country metaphorically.
In the end I feel like people are miserable themselves even if they claim to not be and since misery loves company they will do everything in their power to keep you here so they aren't suffering alone, to the point that they'll call the cops on you and have you put through the system if it comes to such instead of actually empathizing with you.
