Venting Anyone else thought they could hang around a few years more but now cant?

[Kta1994]

Two months ago i thought i could last three more years but now everything got much worse for me and im gonna have to do it this year, i just cant bring myself to purchase SN (that would mean no turning back) and things would be too real, anyone else can relate? Im so scared, i also dont want to make my mom go into deep depression :(

 

[avaruus]

I'm in a similar situation, but for me there is really nothing holding me back. I already have my rope, i even have oxycodone to take off the edge and lessen the pain.
I've told myself that it's better to wait for some new method to become available so i can die more peacefully, but that seems like an execuse.
There is no new method coming anytime soon, and deep down i know it.
The only thing i need to do is walk to the forest and do it, but for some reason, i'm stalling.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Absolutely. CTBing used to a fleeting thought for me. But in what feels a time period of overnight, I feel like I hit a solid wall as far as wanting to keep living.

 

[Is0lated]

Two months ago i thought i could last three more years but now everything got much worse for me and im gonna have to do it this year, i just cant bring myself to purchase SN (that would mean no turning back) and things would be too real, anyone else can relate? Im so scared, i also dont want to make my mom go into deep depression :(

Same, I thought I could last 2 more years but I decided I should do it at the end of 2023

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It's urgent for me as I don't have any leeway for recovery unlike some other users.

Having SN doesn't mean you are the past the point of no return. Even ingesting it doesn't mean so. And it's not really a method that lends itself to impulsive attempts.

 

[squirley]

Two months ago i thought i could last three more years

but now everything got much worse for me and im gonna have to do it this year,

Is it ok if I ask why ? Injury? Finance? 3 years to 1 year is a lot...
I went from 6 months but now a year.

i just cant bring myself to purchase SN (that would mean no turning back) and things would be too real, anyone else can relate?

Is it odd to say SN would be a blessing to me ?? After failed attempts with other methods.

Im so scared, i also dont want to make my mom go into deep depression :(

This is hard. For sure.
One night I broke down and was all fucked up booze and drugs.
and texted my mom everything.
Failure. Bad son. No future. All that shit.

And this prolonged my ctb. I couldn't do it. Still attempted though.
Knowing that it would break her.

Now with random text I just say o yah everything's fine love you. But I think she knows. That I'm at ease with it.

Only one friend knows. 15 years I've know them. Of course he is like dude don't give up people love yah. But at the same time respects the choice to crb.

If you're scared I think that's a totally normal feeling with the heavy topic of ctb.
There's no rush.
No matter what loved ones will be hurt.
Will they keep moving because time and life never stops.
Yes.
Will it hurt yes.

But it comes down to what you feel and why.

 

[Obliviate]

I kept delaying my CTB as things got in the way/tried giving life more chances and now things are about to get a lot worse and now I regret not doing it before

 

[squirley]

I kept delaying my CTB as things got in the way/tried giving life more chances and now things are about to get a lot worse and now I regret not doing it before

Ah man you can't beat your self for not doing it. That's like beating my self up for failed attempts.
Take the time. Plan. Use whatever resources you can. Hopefully you can find your peace before it gets even worse

 

[Obliviate]

Ah man you can't beat your self for not doing it. That's like beating my self up for failed attempts.
Take the time. Plan. Use whatever resources you can. Hopefully you can find your peace before it gets even worse

It's the fact that I found out the "it's about to get worse" stuff at the last minute and I THOUGHT I had time. and now I have to go before it gets here and am anxiously prepping and planning things. I actually was suppose to CTB last week but bought myself some more time. Thank you for the wishes. You as well.

 

[squirley]

It's the fact that I found out the "it's about to get worse" stuff at the last minute and I THOUGHT I had time. and now I have to go before it gets here and am anxiously prepping and planning things. I actually was suppose to CTB last week but bought myself some more time. Thank you for the wishes. You as well.

Is the situation that bad.
That you NEED to go, as you said.

Can you breath, and cut the anxiety. And say ok. This day. I choose to , not need to ?

I'm just asking not trying to downgrade your situation. Just often sporadic or rushed attempts don't work out so well.
at least for me.

What do you mean go before it gets here ?
Sn ?
Even if you get it ... doesn't mean you need to take it.
Shit don't break the seal. And you have time ... is that what you mean ?

 

[AresCohere]

Just figured it out recently that my fate was sealed a while ago. I thought, with my last bit of foolish hope, that maybe things would get better.

But now I realize that I was even more blind than I thought, and I already fucked up wayyy too much and there is nothing left to go for. I'm at the end and at this point it's only a matter of time until my mind breaks fully and I just do it.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Absolutely. CTBing used to a fleeting thought for me. But in what feels a time period of overnight, I feel like I hit a solid wall as far as wanting to keep living.

Once it goes from being a fun fantasy to being an actual planned event, shit goes off the rails pretty quick. My mind went from loving the thought of suicide, to "oh shit you're serious." "Nope not on my watch you're not killing yourself, but I will allow you live in torment every day." My mind is fucked.

 

[Kta1994]

Is it ok if I ask why ? Injury? Finance? 3 years to 1 year is a lot...
I went from 6 months but now a year.

Is it odd to say SN would be a blessing to me ?? After failed attempts with other methods.

This is hard. For sure.
One night I broke down and was all fucked up booze and drugs.
and texted my mom everything.
Failure. Bad son. No future. All that shit.

And this prolonged my ctb. I couldn't do it. Still attempted though.
Knowing that it would break her.

Now with random text I just say o yah everything's fine love you. But I think she knows. That I'm at ease with it.

Only one friend knows. 15 years I've know them. Of course he is like dude don't give up people love yah. But at the same time respects the choice to crb.

If you're scared I think that's a totally normal feeling with the heavy topic of ctb.
There's no rush.
No matter what loved ones will be hurt.
Will they keep moving because time and life never stops.
Yes.
Will it hurt yes.

But it comes down to what you feel and why.

Chronic pain and health issues getting worse despite me trying my best, i dont have any hopes of getting better in sight

 

[sserafim]

Two months ago i thought i could last three more years but now everything got much worse for me and im gonna have to do it this year, i just cant bring myself to purchase SN (that would mean no turning back) and things would be too real, anyone else can relate? Im so scared, i also dont want to make my mom go into deep depression :(

Yeah I thought I was gonna ctb within 2 years (25 has always been my hard exit), but now it's looking like I'm gonna have to go next month. The issue is that things in my life got worse suddenly. I also don't see a future for myself, so like there's no point in going on anymore

 

[squirley]

Chronic pain and health issues getting worse despite me trying my best, i dont have any hopes of getting better in sight

I hear you.
And I hope you can enjoy a few weekends of getting fucked up and some loving before you go.
Sorry there is nothing that can get better or resolve your issues.
Enjoy the time untill you're gone.

Good luck.

 

[Obliviate]

Is the situation that bad.
That you NEED to go, as you said.

Can you breath, and cut the anxiety. And say ok. This day. I choose to , not need to ?

I'm just asking not trying to downgrade your situation. Just often sporadic or rushed attempts don't work out so well.
at least for me.

What do you mean go before it gets here ?
Sn ?
Even if you get it ... doesn't mean you need to take it.
Shit don't break the seal. And you have time ... is that what you mean ?

I already have all my supplies. I have had SN for a year now. I've given life many chances. and yes I need to go. I finally chose my day after almost 2 weeks of frantic panicking. I decided to stay longer and wait until my grandmother leaves back to our country so when they find my body she doesn't collapse. She's old and has health problems. I was gonna do it while she was here and then I thought and I don't think she would be able to take it and there won't be anyone to watch her at home. Passing by my room will haunt her. SO for her sake I decided I will wait until she leaves. But I have to go. There is no reason for me to live. Life has showed me that. I don't want to die but I do want to die, there is no other way. I'm sad but also calm.

 

[passivethought121]

Yep. Thought I'd CTB by 23 or 25 because I'd be able to hold on until then. Turns out I can't and I have to CTB within the next 10 months, ideally by January.

 

[squirley]

I already have all my supplies. I have had SN for a year now. I've given life many chances. and yes I need to go. I finally chose my day after almost 2 weeks of frantic panicking. I decided to stay longer and wait until my grandmother leaves back to our country so when they find my body she doesn't collapse. She's old and has health problems. I was gonna do it while she was here and then I thought and I don't think she would be able to take it and there won't be anyone to watch her at home. Passing by my room will haunt her. SO for her sake I decided I will wait until she leaves. But I have to go. There is no reason for me to live. Life has showed me that. I don't want to die but I do want to die, there is no other way. I'm sad but also calm.

Good luck. And use the sn guides. Have a smooth journey.

 

[Decided98]

Two months ago i thought i could last three more years but now everything got much worse for me and im gonna have to do it this year, i just cant bring myself to purchase SN (that would mean no turning back) and things would be too real, anyone else can relate? Im so scared, i also dont want to make my mom go into deep depression :(

Just over 1 year because of life insurance and I'm out

 

[fishlover]

for sure. i was most suicidal during middle school, but i didnt have the courage at the time to go through with it.
then in 8th grade- one of my biggest insecurities at the time was my weight, and i lost a whole bunch really fast- got into an art highschool like i wanted, and in freshman year of that highschool i had a (albeit superficial) friend group, and so i was little less lonely. and so the urge to off myself waned- but it was like i was just doing what i had to do to just exist, and i wasnt truly happy. i thought at the time, 'the one thing i would like to do is become a professional artist- if i reach that goal, i can off myself with at least some satisfiction.'
but now im 19, barely through my first year of college, and i cant take it anymore. its all come crashing down suddenly. i believe i wont make it past december.