Venting Anyone else struggling to wait?

[symphony]

I don't reasonably expect to be able to CTB until October. That's six months. Many days I struggle to get through even six hours. Six months is an enormously long time to wait for relief when you're suffering.

Is anyone else struggling to wait? How long to you have to wait to catch that long-awaited bus?

I'm also posting in part because today is one of those days I'm so desperately struggling. I feel like there's nothing more I can do to cope and I always feel an impulse to vent to share my pain, which ends with me saying the same things over and over day after day like a broken record.

 

[I need peace]

I've been waiting for a change in my situation, there's personal stuff going on and I'm postponing ctb till 5-6 months from now, but there are days I just want to go, I am so exhausted from this, I don't even know why wait anymore

 

[Tartuffe]

I'm thinking next weekend. Just need to get some things to go my way and then im on my way.

 

[lostmylove]

I'm wanting to die on my partner's birthday in may, seems a lifetime away, no affairs to sort out, no friends to talk to, nothing to do everyday jus waiting in pain

 

[SpaceCadet]

I'm sorry to hear that, i can feel your pain, especially when you think about ctb all day long. My plan was to do it today, and i'm sure i want it, i'm not afraid of dying or suffering. But i don't know man, i feel like i should wait a couple days more, i feel deep angst

 

[lostmylove]

I'm sorry to hear that, i can feel your pain, especially when you think about ctb all day long. My plan was to do it today, and i'm sure i want it, i'm not afraid of dying or suffering. But i don't know man, i feel like i should wait a couple days more, i feel deep angst

Yes hold it off, no shame in postponing it.

 

[andweallfloatonok]

i got about 10 years before i can do it and i struggle everyday to not just go ahead

 

[CommitSudoku]

Every Sunday night when the anxiety hits it's a struggle, I just don't have the means for anything reliable but hanging. It's very hard to be here, and the more time that passes, the more likely I'll be stuck longer and most of my time won't even be my own. I don't have any date set so I don't really have any time to wait I guess. If I go SN or N, I'll be able to add the time it takes for those to arrive, supposedly it's April 14th for SN.

Honestly if I quit my job(s) and could just sleep a lot of the time, I feel it would be easier to make it through the time. If I had a goal or date and didn't have to do much between then it would be easier. In theory anyways.

@symphony I'm sorry you're struggling so much tonight, that "surviving hour-by-hour" really is accurate, isn't it?

I'm sorry to hear that, i can feel your pain, especially when you think about ctb all day long. My plan was to do it today, and i'm sure i want it, i'm not afraid of dying or suffering. But i don't know man, i feel like i should wait a couple days more, i feel deep angst

If you feel you should wait, I want to say it's probably better to wait. It's your decision and when done right you can't go back, so better to work through anything before then. That's my opinion, I'm sorry you're feeling such deep angst. It really is hard to try to live through a constant desire to die.

 

[demuic]

Yes, I'm struggling to wait. I am getting pushed closer to the edge everyday, even more so now that I am enrolled in classes and expected to do assignments while the only thing I want to do is die. It is a struggle not to take my SN and I only hold back because I am watched like a hawk and if I get found it will mean a trip to the psych ward, possibly with my SN confiscated if they can find it.

October was also the month I was considering for various reasons. I don't want to experience another birthday or another year.

 

[Tartuffe]

I'm sorry to hear that, i can feel your pain, especially when you think about ctb all day long. My plan was to do it today, and i'm sure i want it, i'm not afraid of dying or suffering. But i don't know man, i feel like i should wait a couple days more, i feel deep angst

Only you know when the times right if it ever is. I have been accused of something i didn't do and got arrested. The chain of events has seen my anxiety escalate to a limit i'm not able to stay on this floating rock. I tried to OD on cocodomol and also low suspension but neither worked for me, SN is something i knew nothing of so that's the direction, 10-15 years ago i considered using a train but i know that's not the best for others.

 

[fatefulstillness]

It'll be years for me until I'm able to do it, but often times I don't feel like I'll make it to see tomorrow. It's painful.

I hope you find some relief. There's no shame in expressing how you feel, no matter how repetitive.

 

[BigGimpin]

I am struggling big time! I can not live in this much pain, I cant even lay in bed without being in sheer agony. Ive got N already, its just deciding when. Im struggling with putting something down in writing (or typing) of what I want to say. I dont want to go through another sleepless, painful night. Ive been drinking every day, not a ton, just a few 3-4 beers a day just to take the edge off. Ive got $$$ I need to take care of too.

I dont know how to take the next step, am having a real hard time even functioning at the point. Ive waited too long, should of done this MONTHS ago!

Wish I had a source to some street drugs or Benzos, have plenty of Morphine and Oxy's, but they dont do shit. I need something to fucknhg relax me, I am white knuckling it!

 

[Crazy4u]

Waiting is tough. I want to go so bad but I feel guilty. I don't have strength to go on. It is hard to cope with life. The funny thing is I don't think about CTB on weekends. It is only on weekdays because I have to work and spend many hours away from my dog and my apartment.

 

[sealbabies]

So very ready, almost more painful to wait when it finally feels obtainable.

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, all that I want is to be gone, but I am trapped in this world as it is so difficult to leave. Life is just meaningless suffering and I am tired of it all. The problem for me is that we live in a world where ctb is so difficult and if I do not ctb, I could potentially have decades of misery left. Our right to die should always be respected and we should be able to exit peacefully when the time is right for us. I deserve eternal sleep, I never asked to be here in the first place.

 

[ornitier199]

Waiting only happens for me when I remember that I don't want to leave a bloody mess in this godforsaken house, so I have to remember to go to my CTB destination.
Every time I'm en route something pops up, so far its just a coincidence, but when does that turn in irony?

 

[nopride86]

I'm getting increasingly impatient, yet there's a morbid curiosity to see what the next week will bring. Time and time again I tell myself to just wait a little longer, see if things take a turn for the better. It won't, but it's easier than preparing to ctb.

I really want to go on Wednesday, it's the perfect day. I only get maybe 5 or 6 perfect days a year to try, if I'm lucky. Wednesday would be it but I don't have anything prepped. So the day will pass and I'll have to wait months to have another perfect, unprepared day. And it will continue on this way until a freak accident or illness (fingers crossed).

I'm so damn tired of my own bullshit. I'm tired of not having access to methods that I read about on here every day.

 

[wearingmyheart]

i feel you

 

[sharky]

I wish I'd just ctb. Every day I wait for something or someone to save me, something nice to happen. But even if someone nice appears on the horizon it ends up being a disappointment. Fuck hope. Hope is really a powerful drug.

 

[WaterHemlock]

I struggled.

It made it easier to have my method and date set. I've been able to relax and even have some fun while I've waited.
And when the waiting is hard, I remember the date I've set is coming, and I plan something in the future, something as small as a doctor appointment or a lunch or something I need to complete, even joined some research studies, and I tell myself, you just have to make it to this appointment, or event, or date. By then things are a little better.

Now I'm coming to the end and everything is lining up. My niece is moving at the end of April so I'll have the house to myself and she won't have to live in a house where death occurred.
And this May is coincidentally the 39th anniversary of my first suicide attempt which happens on another Friday the 13th.
Now the waiting is almost done, I'm starting to be afraid of the pain I'll face, the actual process of dying. But everything is coming together.
I realize I didn't really answer your question, I'm sorry. I just do it one day at a time, sometimes one minute.

 

[Whole-Ad]

I was sectioned a year ago. It's been a whole year and my section is finally being lifted meaning I can ctb in peace.

 

[thedaywillcome]

No idea what I am waiting for. Should have left when I was 16 years old, its torture for me.

 

[13_reasons]

I'm wanting to die on my partner's birthday in may, seems a lifetime away, no affairs to sort out, no friends to talk to, nothing to do everyday jus waiting in pain

I had the same idea- and my partner's birthday is tomorrow and I feel annoyed that a package I was waiting on isn't due to arrive until the day after* his birthday. I'm getting so tired of playing this charade and trying to stay alive one day at the time. Every day spent alive is true pain

 

[Freedomindeath4me]

I'm pretty sure my bus ticket has been ruined. So I don't know what I'll do. Figure something out and keep hedging my bets hoping I get cancer by chainsmoking though that might be a pipe dream.

 

[13_reasons]

It's ok to vent and share the pain to likeminded individuals - other people just won't understand sadly.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this, please know that you're not alone. I've been struggling everyday for a while, and I count every day that I stay alive for as a small victory. But at the same time- I don't know what I'm staying alive for, and I wonder if I'm just being naive in holding on for another day or week to see if things get better.

Yesterday was a pretty bad day and last night I was ready to end it all with my stash of SN- I was even fasted and ready to go. It's been a while since it got that bad. I stayed on this forum overnight and calmed down a lot and didn't do anything in the end. But it gets harder every time the urge hits, and the urge to do something lingers for longer each time. I'm struggling to keep it at bay to be honest. It will win eventually.

My thinking is that if I'm having strong impulsive urges then that's not the time to CTB. The right time comes when I'm calm and rational and have worked through my plan with no emotion involved. I have this site to thank for instilling in me the importance of thinking through things fully before catching the bus.