I understand but also to me existence was never something desirable in the first place but rather always such a cruel, futile burden that just causes endless amounts of suffering all for the sake of it, I also find it dreadful to exist and always will do no matter what, for me existence itself really is the true problem, human existence just feels like a terrible tragic mistake that I'd never wish for and as long as I exist I'll only ever hope to cease existing. I have no interest in suffering in this existence anyway and I'd always prefer to not exist than prolong the suffering this existence causes just to die in agony tormented by old age, what terrifies me is how one can exist for so long with no limit as to how much one can suffer, only non-existence is desirable to me, more than anything I wish I never existed at all.