Anyone else not want to get better?

[nothinghereforme]

I have a physical health problem and chronic pain doctors can't fix. I don't care about anything or anyone else and barely feel positive feelings anymore only in a bittersweet way that hurts mostly. I only want to CTB and I believe my family are the selfish ones for wanting me to be alive and resent them for trying to 'protect' myself and hope the pain of their inevitable failure makes them understand they never had a chance just like me once I got this health problem.
Concern, care, pity, false 'love'
All worthless empty words that mean nothing if they don't directly solve my physical problem
It is all that matters too me now
All I daydream about to sleep is being dead
I don't want friends people are boring
Hobbies are boring
TV and movies and video games suck
I've read every book I wanna read bad enough
I don't want to help anyone else everyone already has more than I do
I'm stuck being me and am locked out of everything that makes life actually worth living
I think people only have feelings from easy lives or being suckers for society
There's nothing inspiring in any positive way I'm aggravated by other's presence, I'm not lonely in denial, there's no one that was interesting enough to put up with really, including myself
Drugs and sex are the only actual reliable sources of fuffilling and soothing warmth and excitement worth any amount of effort .

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand just wanting to be gone, I just wish to be free from this existence as well, I wish there's the option to just fall into an eternal dreamless sleep and never suffer ever again, to not exist is all I've hoped for.

 

[cme-dme]

I feel this way currently. There are times where I want to do something that is blatantly self-destructive just to push me closer to my suicide. I clearly wasn't meant for this world but there is a lot of things keeping me alive currently.

 

[before20]

Same. Even when I think about getting everything I ever wanted, it doesn't sound appealing.. only ceasing to exist does.

 

[Baisley]

I understand how you're feeling. I am miserable too, nothing makes me happy anymore. I feel emotionless and I just want to CTB, apparently I am not smart enough to pull it off. All my attempts have failed. I am really struggling just to function and exist for now. I wish you peace.

 

[human909]

I also don't wanna become better since if i do i will always be judged, betrayed and bullied. I don't wanna be here if all i get is suffering, i hope everyone who wants to have peace will get it soon.

 

[nothinghereforme]

All the reactions mean and help nothing. I still feel nothing for them. I hate my family for trying to keep me alive and pretending it is because they 'care'. I truly hate them and I want my funeral to cost a fortune. They never really cared and they don't even try to understand what I deal with everyday. I do with them and they don't have it so bad.
I don't care about anyone.
I don't want support I know it's just to farm karma on this site and in general. I want someone who will push me further off the cliff any time I get any delusional doubt I could be happy with this constant pain forever

 

[bloodmania]

i think it is impossible for me to get better , i feel like i will ctb no matter what. i wont die by natural causes or by the hands of someone else, i feel like i was made to end my life myself and there is no other option

 

[NonEssential]

I only want to CTB and I believe my family are the selfish ones for wanting me to be alive and resent them for trying to 'protect' myself

Yeah. I love my family, but I hate that they can't just let me leave this place.

 

[failedmind]

i dont want to get better either, i just want to die.

 

[bpd_sucks]

I used to want to get better, when I believed that I could. I started going to therapy sometime in high school, so 2008ish - and I'm still in it - but I know now that nothing can change. I died mentally in 2015/2016 and since them I am a walking corpse. I keep trying to do the old things I loved, but I haven't felt anything resembling happiness since then, my neurons are fried. At this point I'm just delaying because I'm weak, stupid, and afraid. I have no real friends, no ability to love, and I've accomplished all of the goals I set out for myself. I'm just sitting around waiting until I get the strength to OD on fentynal.

 

[Alo the obvi alien]

It must suck to be in that position where you family is actively trying to keep you here when you want to go. People want to say CTB all the time is selfish, but if the brain (the one thing controlling literally everything!!) has a sickness, we don't take it seriously. The one part of our body. Not the heart, the brain telling it to bet. Not our eyes, lungs, blood, skin. Our brain. But it continues to be a topic for debate on whether that's a good enough reason to feel anything others did like. I know they do it out of love, but ideations alone can be cripplingly. I wish people understood that more.

 

[Languish]

I would like to feel alive.

 

[Namelesa]

Yea, I would rather die instead of getting better cus if I am dead then I escape all of my suffering in non-existence when continuing to live when continuing to live is risky as we can't guaranteed it will get better and will we always face problems. I would kill myself if I had more effective methods but can't cus trapped by family.

 

[onmywaytothebusstop]

Whats the point in getting better.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

My goal is to live well enough until all my children are adults or at least nearly so. I don't see it as realistic that I could ever truly be well. I've been in the same situation since childhood, and the doctors have said I can't be helped, so… I don't even know if I want to feel better. What would that even be like? I've always been bored with life and here out of necessity—it's hard to imagine anything else. There are some good moments, but mostly, there's just nothing.

 

[Kyotospade]

I just wanna die
I just wanna die

 

[sximii]

Yep, a lot. I'm not sure if it's a part of BPD or what I've been feeling this way for years. Being suicidal and all this has become so normal I don't want to get better. It's weird. I don't even know myself why I feel this way

 

[manicstreetbeeper]

i think sometimes that i do, but going through life is so difficult, having so many memories, etc. if i could push a button and everything would be ok, i would do it though.

 

[wanttodie]

i dont want to get better just want my life to be over sick of life and living

 

[legoshi]

yeah, I kind of just want to find the strength, courage or stupidity depending on how you look at it to finally just let go of this life. I have the means to fix some of my problems, but I keep coming back to the thought of what about next time? What am I working towards? What's next? I can't find anything to help me feel optimistic about the future anymore. I don't see things turning out in my favor even if I try and get better. I don't know how to function or feel like I belong in this world. I just want to be free.

 

[lawlietsph]

I have a physical health problem and chronic pain doctors can't fix. I don't care about anything or anyone else and barely feel positive feelings anymore only in a bittersweet way that hurts mostly. I only want to CTB and I believe my family are the selfish ones for wanting me to be alive and resent them for trying to 'protect' myself and hope the pain of their inevitable failure makes them understand they never had a chance just like me once I got this health problem.
Concern, care, pity, false 'love'
All worthless empty words that mean nothing if they don't directly solve my physical problem
It is all that matters too me now
All I daydream about to sleep is being dead
I don't want friends people are boring
Hobbies are boring
TV and movies and video games suck
I've read every book I wanna read bad enough
I don't want to help anyone else everyone already has more than I do
I'm stuck being me and am locked out of everything that makes life actually worth living
I think people only have feelings from easy lives or being suckers for society
There's nothing inspiring in any positive way I'm aggravated by other's presence, I'm not lonely in denial, there's no one that was interesting enough to put up with really, including myself
Drugs and sex are the only actual reliable sources of fuffilling and soothing warmth and excitement worth any amount of effort .

I feel you. Sometimes I have these urges to improve my body, lose some weight, put on makeup... Meet new people, travel, etc.. But these only lasts for an hour maybe. Then I realize how fucking meaningless and pointless everything is, and I find myself being disgusted with people and with myself for even having these desires.
It's just suffering. I've always had financial struggles ever since I was a kid, and for many years I thought money would solve my problems. Well, no... I would just attract the fake ass stupid people even more.
Just pure nothingness, darkness, that is all I want.