Anyone else know what I'm talking about?

[Wayfaerer]

For many years I'd fantasize about death and suicide, almost endlessly. However, when the thought of active suicide came at my doorstep for the first time a year ago, I began to see the 1000 different things that I had taken for granted. I'm at a point where recovery is not fathomable and I'm left asking "what choice do I have now?" I'm left stunned as to why I ever wanted it in the first place.

Life can be quite perverse.

 

[FreedomInDeath]

Why isn't recovery possible if you can find reasons to live? Not trying to sound snarky I just genuinly do not understand.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Why isn't recovery possible if you can find reasons to live? Not trying to sound snarky I just genuinly do not understand.

Chronic health issues that I am unwilling to live with plus additional significant problems. It's not that I have reasons to live but that I had reasons and now they're gone.

 

[BridgeJumper]

Same.
I imagine my death 24/7, have done it since 13. Have it perfectly planned. But then I get an opportunity to jump and freak out?
'Maybe I can finally sell my art? Maybe it will suddenly get better after 13 years? Im scared of dying?'
I dont get it?

 

[Wayfaerer]

Same.
I imagine my death 24/7, have done it since 13. Have it perfectly planned. But then I get an opportunity to jump and freak out?
'Maybe I can finally sell my art? Maybe it will suddenly get better after 13 years? Im scared of dying?'
I dont get it?

I get what you mean.

In my instance, I had made a grand recovery over the course of a year from age 25 to the beginning of 26. I found my calling in life, had friends for the first time in over a decade and I had made lots of positive changes and then catastrophe strikes as I'm pulling it all together. I had been so miserable for so long that I would wish for a plane to fall out of the sky and land on me in my sleep. I tried to "live" (survive) until I found my way out and after years of tolerating such misery that finally happens and then BAM! the door is slammed in my face. I have not the words to adequately describe the sheer disappointment I've been enduring these past couple of years other than it having been brutal. I don't fear death but I feel like I could've really made it and it's very difficult to let go.

 

[BridgeJumper]

I had a moment like that too. In 2013.I recovered completely. Only to get even WORSE than before as 2014 started. Its been getting consistently worse from then on and now I genuinely have no hope

 

[Wayfaerer]

I had a moment like that too. In 2013.I recovered completely. Only to get even WORSE than before as 2014 started. Its been getting consistently worse from then on and now I genuinely have no hope

I thought I had understood what hopeless was but since all of this started, I began to feel a purified, condensed version of it for the first time ever. True, genuine hopeless that's very little in common with what I had experienced before. I began to see all the errors I've made as a result of things that were entirely out of my control in my past during my recovery but even moreso since becoming suicidal. It has been eye-opening but what's the point of learning if you don't get to apply the lessons? If one thing here and there hadn't of happened at very inopportune times then I'm 100% positive the recovery part would've come at 18-20 instead of 25. So frustrating!

Now all I can do is gather my method and execute.

 

[faust]

Sometimes when the things are getting more real, I am thinking that yes, I will go soon.
But I haven't actually lived.
Some "scraps" of my existence really resemble life, but have I ever lived for real or all the time I have been only a victim of circumstances, deprived of any opportunity to flourish.
It is very sad to realize, because when time begins to go in the opposite direction, it seems that this is life. But no, it's just an illusion that will dissolve at the first thunder.

 

[It'llNeverEnd]

for me i've attempted suicide over 20 times by now, overdoses mostly, which as we know don't work too well. a couple came close, but someone found me too soon, been intubated, have had many seuzures. overdosing on insulin put me at a blood sugar of 7 (should be around 100) after being forced juice and i was in a coma where they were certain i'd be brain damaged coming out, but here i am with nothing to show for it. my most recent was to stop taking insulin because insurance wouldn't let me get more so it was more like, here's my chance. after 3 days i was taken to the hospital, so any long waiting methods aren't worth it. so i'm waiting. forever waiting. even cutting my femoral artery will take some time to prep my reflexes.

now that summer is coming the suicidal parts are going away, but i'll be ready for next winter. i can't keep living for summer.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Sometimes when the things are getting more real, I am thinking that yes, I will go soon.
But I haven't actually lived.
Some "scraps" of my existence really resemble life, but have I ever lived for real or all the time I have been only a victim of circumstances, deprived of any opportunity to flourish.
It is very sad to realize, because when time begins to go in the opposite direction, it seems that this is life. But no, it's just an illusion that will dissolve at the first thunder.

I know what you mean, especially the not having lived part. That's why I'm even more devestated because in the first half of 2018 I was beginning to LIVE for the first time. I had survived for so long, longing for better days and they finally were here! It was like a complete 180 of what I'd been accustomed to for over a decade. But no, I had unwittingly sabotaged myself when I was at my (then) weakest and ruined everything. So many missed opportunities that I could've taken, so many things that I now realize I'll never get to experience. Now I'm at my weakest 10 fold.

Funny, when this forum was created, I was riding the highest high of my post-puberty life. Suicide was the last thing on my mind. Now I'm here!

 

[faust]

I know what you mean, especially the not having lived part. That's why I'm even more devestated because in the first half of 2018 I was beginning to LIVE for the first time. I had survived for so long, longing for better days and they finally were here! It was like a complete 180 of what I'd been accustomed to for over a decade. But no, I had unwittingly sabotaged myself when I was at my (then) weakest and ruined everything. So many missed opportunities that I could've taken, so many things that I now realize I'll never get to experience. Now I'm at my weakest 10 fold.

Funny, when this forum was created, I was riding the highest high of my post-puberty life. Suicide was the last thing on my mind. Now I'm here!

I'm sorry life turned out to be not a very pleasant thing for you.
I had a similar moment of sharp rise. It was summer 2014. Then mania took me under its protection - and this was probably the most exciting year of my life, everything started that summer. In winter the same year, before, I planned a suicide (which would carry out in 2015) and in fact it was a total disaster - there is only hell below the bottom. However, my excellent condition dissolved quickly enough and, despite all the efforts, I stopped experiencing such uplifts.