Anyone else kinda torn between wanting to ctb and not wanting to?

[Kokichi]

Basically I keep switching between trying to convince myself to ctb and trying to convince myself not to. Because on the one hand, I care about the people who care about me a lot, but on the other, I still really feel like I have to do it sooner rather than or later, for reasons I'd rather not elaborate on right now. Anyone else feel the same way where you just can't seem to convince yourself one way or the other and just end up miserable and not doing anything at all? Because yeah.

 

[Read123456788]

I have been the same in the past so told myself I'm going to give myself one last chance to really try and change my mind and stick to living. I set my ctb to a date far away and I'm now creeping up to that date but I'm now 100% certain that I'm ctb and made the right decision. If you have any doubt then always hold off till you're absolutely sure. Once it's done it's done ?

 

[randomz]

I am in that position - on one hand, I am certain that life is just not for me, that a person such as myself - so uncable of dealing with stuff should not live. On the oher hand though, I see that life can offer so many good moments and emotions that it is worth living, also my meds have taken away my serious suicidal thoughts for now. Right now I am just shambling onward in life with no real goal or motivation. I just want to rest.....

 

[Kokichi]

I am in that position - on one hand, I am certain that life is just not for me, that a person such as myself - so uncable of dealing with stuff should not live. On the oher hand though, I see that life can offer so many good moments and emotions that it is worth living, also my meds have taken away my serious suicidal thoughts for now. Right now I am just shambling onward in life with no real goal or motivation. I just want to rest.....

Yeah, I feel.... I really just don't think I'm cut out for this world in the slightest, and it would definitely be at least a little better without me. But I care about so many people. But I also think I'll just let those people down or unintentionally hurt them anyway. But things can always get better just like how they can always get worse... I'm just so tired. I feel for you being in a similar situation, but it's also nice to know there are others who feel the same.

I have been the same in the past so told myself I'm going to give myself one last chance to really try and change my mind and stick to living. I set my ctb to a date far away and I'm now creeping up to that date but I'm now 100% certain that I'm ctb and made the right decision. If you have any doubt then always hold off till you're absolutely sure. Once it's done it's done ?

Yeah... I'm trying to bank on things getting better for now, and waiting to take steps to ctb until I'm more sure. Especially since I promised one of my closest friends I wouldn't... So now I feel like I'm probably obligated to stay as much as i also feel obligated to ctb. I hope things look up for you between now and your date, but if they don't I wish you luck and peace.

 

[Inferdan]

Trust me, I'm being torn apart. It's a constant argument in my head, stating reasons whether to live or die, and counteracting each other. Whenever I'm really happy and starting to gain hope, something horrible happens to bash me down, or when I'm beginning to long death, something happens to throw me back into indecision. It's like I'm being toyed with my life. Luring me only to hurt me more. Every day is agonizing torture, and I don't know what I want, what I feel, or what I think, at all. I just want to know whether I should work towards life or death. I'm deteriorating by the day, and i wish so fucking much the ability to choose, but I'm stuck. It's like my mind doesn't want to risk breaking the fragile equilibrium of my current existence, even though I suffer so much from it. I hate it, I fucking hate everything about it, about myself, about the world. And yet things hold me back. And yet life tosses me back and forth like a play-thing. I'm tiring. Wasting away in my bedroom. Decaying. Fading. Wish I could cry and shout, but I can't. Maybe I don't want to. I don't know. Like I said in a previous thread, my entirety is blinded in a fog that only my eyes can see through. I don't know how much longer I can go on. Hopefully this ends soon, one way or the other.

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

Basically I keep switching between trying to convince myself to ctb and trying to convince myself not to. Because on the one hand, I care about the people who care about me a lot, but on the other, I still really feel like I have to do it sooner rather than or later, for reasons I'd rather not elaborate on right now. Anyone else feel the same way where you just can't seem to convince yourself one way or the other and just end up miserable and not doing anything at all? Because yeah.

I'm sad to end my life, because I do like it, but I hate this unbearable unstoppable pain so I'm excited to end it. I want to die more than I want to live but I wish I had time to be happy before I do CTB

 

[BabyYoda]

I'm here cause I have until graduation to decide to CTB or not
But sometimes I want to do it earlier cause I feel like I "have" to
Who knows how long I will last

 

[JohnUK]

Unfortunately I am determined to ctb. Nothing for me to be torn between my end. I'll be glad to kill myself

 

[defeated]

Basically I keep switching between trying to convince myself to ctb and trying to convince myself not to. Because on the one hand, I care about the people who care about me a lot, but on the other, I still really feel like I have to do it sooner rather than or later, for reasons I'd rather not elaborate on right now. Anyone else feel the same way where you just can't seem to convince yourself one way or the other and just end up miserable and not doing anything at all? Because yeah.

No. And yes. I'd hate to give anyone the satisfaction of me being fucking dead but at this point the pressure to be something I couldn't fathom to be in any lifetime is becoming overwhelming. I'm better off dead, but I'd hate for anyone to watch me die.

 

[Muirthemne]

Slightly different reasons, but I'm kinda in the same boat. Thing is I know my life is over. All my dreams are dead, and I have nothing to look forward to but another few decades of loneliness and failure. I know dying would be the right/intelligent choice right now.

But I'm still terrified of death. It's just a stupid biological instinct, but it's strong. And honestly living is a hard habit to break. I've always had a really hard time doing anything outside my comfort zone. Funny how the same anxiety that ruined my life is also keeping me alive.

Part of me wants to keep trying, but I know I'd just be deluding myself. It's too late to fix anything now.

I wish I'd never been born. Would have saved me having to make the decision.

 

[applegreenicecream]

I agree with everything that is being said here and feel for you all. The decision is so difficult. It's similar to a threat I started the other day where I said I found it odd that I had SN and a bunch of benzos in one cupboard. And vitamins and health products in another.
How I was sure I will in the not too distant future ctb, but was getting medication from my doctor to treat my high blood pressure. It strikes me as a bit absurd to plan to poison yourself and still give a fuck about a blood pressure related stroke. (I'd be gutted to die like that though. It's not nearly Rock n Roll enough.)
If anything the indecision is the worst part. It never leaves your mind. My children make it harder to leave. They are the reason for my indecision. I'd have gone by now otherwise.
It's draining for sure to wake up every day and face yourself in the mirror. I'm probably imagining it but my reflection looks back with such betrayal and disappointment in her eyes. You of all people she says. You were meant to keep me safe.

 

[braketimez]

Right now, I'm experiencing my mind become "untorn". I was undecided a few months ago, but as each day passes, my thoughts and feelings always end up on the CTB track.

It's sort of scary. I'm witnessing myself shut down, close shop, and give up. I'm no longer frustrated with life. I've accepted my defeat. And I've also accepted that I'm too biologically weak to take on life.

 

[qwerty_in_me]

so you say you can't decide however you feel that you will have to do it sooner than later. Here's how to not feel fucking miserable and still keep the best of both realms; make a suicide plan. A bulletin board of things you must consecutively and ritualistically perform before you finally commit to sepoku.

currently mine is to rob a liquor store under quarantine, this is step two. step one was to learn lockpicking and step three is to drink the last drop of booze before I commit.

Stay Sane
-qwerty

 

[HanginAround]

That's me. I'm back scrolling this site again, so that automatically means I'm in a "I want to CTB" phase.
The phases come and go. When they come, I start visualizing CTB.
When the ideations are gone, life can be enjoyed.

 

[sadgirl2002]

I feel the same way, it's so frustrating. It's a constant battle between my mind and heart. I got suicidal thoughts again today and I tried to suppress it but for how long can I keep doing this until I know that I'm not going to get what I want and my suicide ideation will prevail in the end? I feel conflicted... I have so many reasons to die but only one to live. On one hand, I know that I have to die and I can't bear the pain anymore. I know life was never for me, I've been suicidal and depressed for years, but on the other hand, I'm only still here in the hope of the one I love, coming back to me. I just couldn't leave him here all alone. I'm terrified that I'll end my life and he will come back after I'm dead. He'll be crushed and I can't bear the thought of what he'll do to himself so for now, I'm just waiting until I get an answer so I can make a decision.

 

[Sotired_]

I'm staying alive to try to use therapy to get to a place where I feel a future is possible. At the moment I'm terrified of having a future, carrying on life the way it is.

If I get to a point where I decide enough is enough then I'm done. I want to be in control of the situation have my options ready, have a plan that works... Which is why I'm here.

I've made attempts before that would have been sucessful with better planning... Which didn't happen because I was all over the place mentally.

I go back and forth between actually buying SN ready for if I need it, through fear around it becoming less available. I don't want to take it on impulse, I want to be sure.

 

[Hollow Point]

Yea my whole life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs. More downs then ups, but the ups make the downs hurt so much more. Like each time you start to feel better, you're doing it with more chips in your armor from the past. The damage keeps adding up and problems you used to beat can now get through to you. On any given day my outlook can change. Just floating through life at this point. Not actively pursing life or death, as I've failed at chasing both. I feel like I'm stuck in a limbo.

 

[I screwed up]

Basically I keep switching between trying to convince myself to ctb and trying to convince myself not to. Because on the one hand, I care about the people who care about me a lot, but on the other, I still really feel like I have to do it sooner rather than or later, for reasons I'd rather not elaborate on right now. Anyone else feel the same way where you just can't seem to convince yourself one way or the other and just end up miserable and not doing anything at all? Because yeah.

Slightly different reasons, but I'm kinda in the same boat. Thing is I know my life is over. All my dreams are dead, and I have nothing to look forward to but another few decades of loneliness and failure. I know dying would be the right/intelligent choice right now.

But I'm still terrified of death. It's just a stupid biological instinct, but it's strong. And honestly living is a hard habit to break. I've always had a really hard time doing anything outside my comfort zone. Funny how the same anxiety that ruined my life is also keeping me alive.

Part of me wants to keep trying, but I know I'd just be deluding myself. It's too late to fix anything now.

I wish I'd never been born. Would have saved me having to make the decision.

You took the words out of my mouth ... Could not have expressed my feelings better.
Just that this lockdown and whole self isolation is making it worse ... Feel like tearing down the walls of my house ... Can no longer handle this miserable life

 

[avoid_slow_death]

All my life I have simply done just enough to stay alive, nothing more. Past few years though, I found something to actually live for. Irony is I feel it is drifting away from me and I am desperately trying to stop it from doing so because I want to live now because of it. But if I lose it, yeah, only option is to let go of myself. Completely.