Anyone Else Here Who Still Likes Some Things About Life

[KafkaF]

For a while my depression was so bad I couldn't enjoy anything anymore. Not a single thing.

But over the last month or so that has changed somewhat. I have been struck by the beauty of certain things like a sunrise or the beauty of nature when I went on a walk earlier this week. I've been rewatching (sort of) certain TV-series that I love and been so impressed by some of the writing and I've been thankful I've been alive to experience those things. And I've been playing Skyrim sometimes recently and I've been able to get lost in that somewhat, glad I've had the ability to experience that. Oh, and I've been rereading old poetry my first girlfriend wrote about me sometimes too. That I've been touched by deeply as well at times. Glad I was around to read it. And scared of not being around to read it anymore.

All that being said at the same time... When I think about my life it's in such a bad state and looks like it's only going to get much worse if I continue to live. No job, no money, no diploma, no friends, no hope, basically. And no matter what else, I feel a constant emptiness inside because of how much I miss my previous girlfriend. Even when I'm not thinking about her, it's there. This hollowness inside of me. I drag it with me all day, every day. And just that isn't at all the worst part. But I start thinking about her and how much I miss her and it hurts. Usually I'm happy to go to sleep because then it doesn't have to hurt for a while. But yesterday evening I went to sleep and I actually dreamt that I went to this nerdy exhibition thing. The kind of thing me and her used to go to. And in the dream itself I was constantly thinking about her. So I can't even go into my dreams to escape how much I miss her. I've been talking to this girl online I met on a dating site. I genuinely like her, she seems like a really sweet person and I enjoy talking to her. She makes me smile sometimes. But she's not her... She doesn't have the love of books that she had. She doesn't have the way of talking or the humour that she had. She doesn't have the creative drive and passion that she had. There's so many things she doesn't have that my previous girlfriend had and that I loved.

It feels like no matter how hard I search, I won't be able to find anyone like her again. And I have this feeling that no matter how much time passes, I won't be able to stop loving her or missing her. That my entire life would just be a pale reflection of her shadow if I went on with it.

I first joined this place in november, not that long afted things ended. At the time I was mostly looking for someone to give me advice on how to say goodbye to my life. Because crossing that final mile has been hard for me. I couldn't really find anything that really helped me, so I figured if I waited and got used to the idea of dying soon that it would help. That eventually I'd be able to finally do it. And in some way it has worked, and in another way... it has been the opposite. Where now that there are things I enjoyed again, I feel like I have even more to say goodbye to again.

I know that I have to do it eventually. Both because of my hopeless situation and because it hurts so much. I'm just struggling with it.

Anyway, basically all this to get to my actual question... Does anyone else here have stuff that they still like about life? And does that make it harder for you?

 

[Malaria]

Media, nature, my pets, food, my boyfriend. It used to be also drawing and learning languages but my depression has made me demotivated sadly.

I used to think to myself "No I can't kms because I'm not fluent in Japanese yet" and stuff like that, but lately I'm not caring that much about that. Anhedonia really is a bitch.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, I can still appreciate things in life. Nature, food, films, music, games. None of it feels enough though ultimately.

Even though I'm currently doing a job I at least used to enjoy and get a lot from, I'm still tired of working to be able to enjoy all those things. So ultimately, that doesn't feel worth it.

I'm really only staying here out of obligation and fear. Obligation to not hurt my Dad and then, it might turn into fear of the CTB process and fear of it failing. So, it will go from an unwanted conscription to life to a hostage situation!

 

[Gossamer]

Poetry, good music, reading books and my rabbits. I have been hiking with my boyfriend and his old dog last weekend ; we were miserable, cold weather, wind, rain, mud clinging to us, but we loved it. I like to feel how insignificant I am, on top of mountains far from human activity, on the seaside, in caves, in libraries muffled, huddled somewhere with dead men's, women's, others' words shapeshifting under my gaze. I'm amblyopic, so anything written is bathed in a halo and dancing around. Sure, it's not comfortable, but I like it. I love literature. Sadly, the hounds always bite at me, no matter what, and I remember that no respite lasts, and that I'm deluding myself into thinking I'm safe, that I have a future.

 

[thinvy]

I like good food, my cat, some people. I love swimming, even though it kind of scares me now and it's always too cold where I live. I like late night drives, and being silly with friends, singing old songs we grew up on. I like being cozied up at home when the snow comes, and seeing it sparkle in the mornings. I love blue raspberry anything!

of course, I wouldn't be on this site if that was enough to keep me alive though. not being able to enjoy things in life isn't what's killing me. being in pain and unhappy and having a broken brain keep me in a state of suicidality I haven't been able to overcome for roundabouts 20 years.

to answer your question at the end there, I'm not going to lie to you. yeah it kinda fucking sucks knowing I'm going to miss out on some cool ass stuff. I'm really intrigued by the new pokemon z-a announcement, as I loved legends Arceus and pokemon XY was the first Pokemon game I got new, but im sad I won't be here for it. I think a lot about how I'll probably never get to go to my favorite restaurants again bc I can't afford to go home. I'm too chicken to talk to the people in my life I care/cared deeply for because I know I'm not long for this world.

the kind of mental illnesses I have, the health issues and all... I'm not compatible with life. I need to be in a regulated pattern to just make it by in my normal day to day as things stand. I have to medicate myself to function on a daily basis. the way I try to think about it, for myself at least, is that I would probably not make it much longer given the health issues, or I'll have a mental break that isn't recoverable any time soon before much longer. I'd rather put myself down while I'm more in capacity to think and do things for myself, and until I do decide its time, I'm going to try and do some things I enjoy. it's slow going because I'm broke, but people die every day unexpectedly anyways, there's no grand rush. I'm gonna go try and see a rave soon, as that's on my wish list.

I hope this was coherent. I'm really tired, and have not been doing well today.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

No, not really. I don't like anything about life and I still don't

 

[indignity]

Friends are good. Necessary even. You can exist without people but not live.

 

[KafkaF]

Friends are good. Necessary even. You can exist without people but not live.

I actually disagree, for myself, anyway. Not having friends is actually something I don't feel particularly bothered with, though it does somewhat suck in times like this where I have essentially no one to talk to about my depression.

That being said, I'm highly introverted. I'm perfectly happy being a loner. I just mentioned it on my list because it's not like "friends" is a reason for me to stick around.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I still like several things about life, like my boyfriend, when I create a good painting, the smell of nature, looking at trees, admiring my hamsters, eating good food. Now with medication I'm less inclined to ctb.

Regarding your ex girlfriend, it sounds like you really love her deeply, is there no way or rekindling that relationship? I had the same thing with my boyfriend and 3 years after we have separated I was able to get him back. It was the best thing I ever did.

 

[KafkaF]

I think we all must have something we like or we'd have CTBd by now.

Even those who say all life is pointless have something keeping them here.

For me it's the occasional normal days I get when I enjoy life.

I didn't two months ago and yet I was still here. Mostly due to fearing death, I think. Not because I had any reason to live.

 

[indignity]

I actually disagree, for myself, anyway. Not having friends is actually something I don't feel particularly bothered with, though it does somewhat suck in times like this where I have essentially no one to talk to about my depression.

That being said, I'm highly introverted. I'm perfectly happy being a loner. I just mentioned it on my list because it's not like "friends" is a reason for me to stick around.

I don't mean friends in particular, I mean something that makes you feel good or brings enjoyment. For most people just having someone to talk to can be a huge relief. i'm tired of all keeping all the shit inside myself honestly. I'm sure we all are. the person you would spend that time around doesn't necessarily have to be a friend, but I definitely noticed a significant increase in suicidal ideation when I avoided all social interaction. Being around other people or just talking to them seemed to temporarily distract me from negativity and focus on the conversation instead. It's not a panacea, but it definitely helps. anything (that does not require to be meaningful but to just feel good about) to keep me alive for at least the following month is preferable

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Friends are good. Necessary even. You can exist without people but not live.

As somebody with no friends, I can say that I agree with this

 

[kindalone]

Lately, I got into writing and have poured a lot of time and effort into getting better. There's so much information that I got into it pretty quickly. It was like back then, when I had things I was passionate about and could spend hours researching and getting lost in the little details. It has been a nice distraction from my otherwise hopeless life. But I know it's just pointless in the end. I will be faced with the harsh reality again. Maybe in another reality, I would've been able to make a career out of it, or at least spend my free time writing just for the heck of it. But that's not my reality.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

i dont know if it makes it harder, but there are good things about life.
Even as simple as finding this site.

If i hadnt found this site, i think i might have done something impulsive. instead, the information on the site allows me a certain degree of control, even if that sense of control is just an illusion.

If youre talking about day to day stuff, then..there are some things that are difficult knowing that the person i wanted to be with is with someone else now. Something as simple as driving, for me, becomes a bit of a challenge, because im reminded of the make and model of her car and her plate number. Certain places i visited now has a memory of me and her in happier times, etc etc.


It's a fact: I wont find someone else like the person i lost. it took a while for me to accept that, and make peace with it.
With that said though: it's still possible to find someone better. im not just saying it because of some mushy quote i read, but it's based on data. There are currently 8 billion people in the world. it's a statistical impossibility that there isnt someone else out there with her traits+more.

Going back to your question, it's a toss up. There are beautiful and amazing things in the world, and it depends on my mood at the time if they make things harder or easier.

 

[KafkaF]

I don't mean friends in particular, I mean something that makes you feel good or brings enjoyment. For most people just having someone to talk to can be a huge relief. i'm tired of all keeping all the shit inside myself honestly. I'm sure we all are. the person you would spend that time around doesn't necessarily have to be a friend, but I definitely noticed a significant increase in suicidal ideation when I avoided all social interaction. Being around other people or just talking to them seemed to temporarily distract me from negativity and focus on the conversation instead. It's not a panacea, but it definitely helps. anything (that does not require to be meaningful but to just feel good about) to keep me alive for at least the following month is preferable

*shrug* To each his own. I've had friends, I've not had friends. It made no difference to how suicidal or depressed I was. Only thing that ever made a difference as far as personal connections go were my first and fourth girlfriends. They made me less suicidal. But that has a whole bunch of reasons.

 

[divinemistress36]

Food and dogs that's about it

 

[Darkover]

just weed and cocaine

 

[Arachno]

Of course there are things I still like and enjoy. I enjoy daydreaming, videogames, exploring firearm related topics, spiders, sleeping, chocolate, etc., but It doesn't really make it much harder for me.

 

[SoulCage]

There are many things that trigger (or have triggered) good feelings. My problem is that those things are always a trade-off with some degree of suffering. I love eating my favourite ice cream or pizza, BUT the calories affect my weight and my body image. I like certain hobbies, BUT it needs money and time. I would love to have a pet, BUT my boyfriend is allergic to pretty much every animal. I love social events (laughing, talking around), BUT I have to constantly take care of friendships which is hard due to the lack of energy caused by dealing with all the adult and work stuff. I love spending time with my boyfriend, BUT I am scared of making mistakes and upsetting him.
And the worst if it all is... The memories. I have those thoughts about experiences that made me feel good and it hurts so much knowing that I can't relive it when I want to, maybe even never relive ever again. They just torment me.
Sometimes I wish I didn't learn about certain things, because you cannot dread something that doesn't exist.

 

[mtoro998]

I still enjoy video games, sex, and weed.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

nothing in this life and evil world

the plesurable things can't be separated from the most excruciating unbearable pain and suffering they are both part of life imo.

 

[theboy]

Yes, some things don't seem so bad

 

[TheSpookyNameGuy]

Cheesecake and cigars, bottles of wine and weed.

I hate existence but im still gonna indulge, of course i am

 

[Namarupa]

Mozart, Ravel and Bach. That's about it.

 

[cyandude]

cats are the only thing i still enjoy about life

 

[uzuf86]

I'm not jealous, I genuinely like the fact that there are others who are living happily and going about in their lives without any sadness. It gives me more hope for my own ctb and keeps telling me that my life has been nothing but a heap of shit.

 

[Z-A]

Games, porn, drugs, food and sometimes movies/shows. It's still fun but it was definitely better before.

 

[iwanttohugthetrees]

Nature, birds, swimming in ocean, food, music, peoples talents, history of world and evolution, animals, scents of flowers and water, good books,coffee, sky and many other things

 

[executioner1983]

Yes, existence is freaking amazing, if you can slow down and appreciate the smaller things in life the reward is so worth it. I love horror movies, going on walks, getting lucky, swinging while looking at the stars, roller coasters, making out, donuts, swimming in the ocean, feeling pretty, being held, falling asleep after fighting it for too long, road trips, holding babies, screaming song lyrics at the top of my lungs, driving way too fast, holding someone's hand, getting good marks in school after working hard for it, crying, reading, warmth, finding lost things, dancing, climbing trees, I could go on forever. Life is filled with so many great things it's just a shame all of them can easily be overshadowed by our troubles…

 

[ihatemylifee]

Dogs, the beach, my family, food, good music, movies, baths wish I could say friends but I don't have any :/