Discussion Anyone else have to protect themselves from themselves?

[sharklasers]

i have such horrible impulses to hurt myself. it's a panic response to depression, trauma, whatever. i get scared, i need to hurt myself or immediately ctb. it's what i deserve, or it's what my brain tells me, and i recognize those aren't normal thoughts and aren't coming from me and i don't act on them. i could never "set up" to ctb.

i'm terrified of guns. i'm terrified a friend will try to show one off to me, or i'll get pressured into going to a range, or whatever. i'm so scared because i know the second it's in my hands i will ctb with it. i'm afraid of doing it in front of my partner, my friends, and even more scared of failing because then they'll know. it would be even worse if i didn't even get to the bus yet. the shame. the fear. i hate guns.

does anyone else feel like they need to take protective measures against their own impulses? while back, my partner and i got into an argument, i blew up, gave myself a black eye and a concussion punching myself in the face so much. she was screaming, holding me down to get me to stop. but she wasn't listening, wasn't understanding how serious i was about whatever we were fighting about and to my brain, this was how i showed her how serious i was. that was how much it meant to me.

i was black and blue for a week and a half. i told my coworkers my cat fell on me while i was sleeping. they thought it was funny. they laughed. they thought they were laughing with me. why would you laugh at my pain? maybe i should have hurt myself in front of them and then they would have understood too. pain isn't funny, but only when it's visible.

anyone else have to protect themselves from themselves?

 

[NSA]

I used to. Don't really know why I don't have to anymore tbh. Maybe just age mellowing me out. Used to cut, burn, hit myself, punch walls, etc.
For me it was a release of sorts. Either hurt myself or hurt someone else, and no matter how much I felt they deserved it, I sure as fuck wasn't going to jail because of them.

"They" say hit/scream into a pillow, snap rubber bands on your wrists, things like that as a less-seriously harmful alternative. Sounds silly, but sometimes it worked. Having something around to beat the shit out of that's non-living worked best. Old drywall, a heavy bag, anything that won't break your knuckles.

I can relate to the gun thing too. Several years ago, I was suicidal but managed to recover somewhat (hit the lottery with a good therapist) and one of the 'gifts' I gave myself was a day at the range to show myself I could now trust myself around firearms.

. i told my coworkers my cat fell on me while i was sleeping. they thought it was funny.

That is pretty damn funny

 

[Mr2005]

Yep

 

[waitingforrest]

Sometimes when I'm feeling a tiny bit hopeful, I try to make ctb harder. Knowing me best, I am probably to lazy to put in any more effort than the bare minimum. Otherwise, it's the usual.

 

[WadeingThru]

while back, my partner and i got into an argument, i blew up, gave myself a black eye and a concussion punching myself in the face so much. she was screaming, holding me down to get me to stop. but she wasn't listening, wasn't understanding how serious i was about whatever we were fighting about and to my brain, this was how i showed her how serious i was. that was how much it meant to me.

How did she respond? Was she sympathetic to your point of view? Or did she think you were a psycho for attacking yourself?

I used to. Don't really know why I don't have to anymore tbh. Maybe just age mellowing me out. Used to cut, burn, hit myself, punch walls, etc.

It sounds to me like you're getting soft in you're old age.

 

[Sherri]

A long time ago yes, everything that was sharp I would cut myself, every pill I would take. I was a wreck, I'm surprised I'm still here after several emergency visits to the hospital. Can even taste the charcoal in my mouth, that's why I don't use any face wash cleaning products that have charcoal.

 

[Lost Magic]

 

[SuicidalRN]

i have such horrible impulses to hurt myself. it's a panic response to depression, trauma, whatever. i get scared, i need to hurt myself or immediately ctb. it's what i deserve, or it's what my brain tells me, and i recognize those aren't normal thoughts and aren't coming from me and i don't act on them. i could never "set up" to ctb.

I totally understand where you are coming from. It was as if I wrote this part by myself. I know it is not logical or rational to want to hurt myself/CTB because of the constant trauma triggers/PTSD and depression, but I get so scared of the thought loops/vivid images and fearful of whether or not this is going to last the rest of my life. I don't want to live like this every day forever. It's mental torture, yet I too don't know if I could ever "set up" to CTB. The idea of dying when I am not feeling severely traumatized, rarely, does in fact, scare me. But when it is all too much to handle, the majority of the time, I wish that I could die.

i'm terrified of guns. i'm terrified a friend will try to show one off to me, or i'll get pressured into going to a range, or whatever. i'm so scared because i know the second it's in my hands i will ctb with it. i'm afraid of doing it in front of my partner, my friends, and even more scared of failing because then they'll know. it would be even worse if i didn't even get to the bus yet. the shame. the fear. i hate guns.

I think these fears are rational. The idea of putting others through the trauma I have been through (finding my bf after he CTB in a hotel room), makes me always want to advise others to try to CTB in a place that is not home or where loved ones can find you. They will forever be traumatized by what they find, I know first hand. I also understand the fear of failure when eventually deciding in that moment to CTB. No one here wants to be "dragged away by the men in white coats". If you fail to CTB, that's a one-way ticket to involuntarily inpatient commitment which could be even worse or more mentally torturing. Especially in the US or another country where the mental health system is shit and you are in a "holding bed or cell" for up to a week or more, and they leave people alone to deal with their dark thoughts, yet their dark thoughts and being alone with them is what got them committed in the first place. It's cruel, scary, unfair, and even worse than being alive and free in the outside world IMO. I think it is what contributed to my boyfriend's suicidal demise.

does anyone else feel like they need to take protective measures against their own impulses? while back, my partner and i got into an argument, i blew up, gave myself a black eye and a concussion punching myself in the face so much. she was screaming, holding me down to get me to stop. but she wasn't listening, wasn't understanding how serious i was about whatever we were fighting about and to my brain, this was how i showed her how serious i was. that was how much it meant to me.

i was black and blue for a week and a half. i told my coworkers my cat fell on me while i was sleeping. they thought it was funny. they laughed. they thought they were laughing with me. why would you laugh at my pain? maybe i should have hurt myself in front of them and then they would have understood too. pain isn't funny, but only when it's visible.

anyone else have to protect themselves from themselves?

I have ASD so I think I may also understand where you are coming from on this point too. My neurodivergent brain is holding me back from happiness in the way it was warped to work in partnership with my horrible PTSD. I have to keep repeating to my loved ones, "I want to die (x3-4)" in a row or whatever other sick and twisted thought is stuck on a loop. My brain keeps thinking that or similar ideas on a loop and that I have to get it out, save myself from all this daily mental pain. But then I always have to protect myself and others afterward by isolating myself (how does that make any rational sense, brain? It doesn't) or by trying to save face (and failing) bc of all the awful thoughts I just released out into the open. Similarly, I believe to your brain demanding to you to cause harm to yourself during the argument to show how serious you were/are. You had it get it out how serious you were. You had no choice.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Kinda. Don't ask why. I just blame myself for people's deaths.

 

[ImsooDone1N]

I could say yea, and leave it there. Only because this is the recovery section do I feel I should say it's not just a yea, but an absolutely. I don't feel like getting into all of it, I am not good with self control either.

 

[Sherri]

In the past yes, I was a menace to myself, from cutting to pills overdosing from cliff watching. Since I started this therapy 2 years ago it got under control. Mood stabilisers , I just don't wanna take it forever, I'm afraid if I stop it will come back. Don't want to spend my entire life taking 6 pills a day.