Venting anyone else got toxic family that 'help'?

[minoumyheart]

my grandparents pay for my therapy and im thankful for that but despite that, im bombarded by constant pressure and criticism, constant triggers and huge antagonisation.

im constantly reminded about my weight and eating habits, despite them knowing im actively suicidal and binge eating is a stopper currently (not just polite words either, really toxic shit about parts of my body, stretch marks etc). whenever i clean my space i get shamed for how much there is for me to clean. whenever i do my laundry im shamed for how much there is to wash. im shamed for not being social, but when im with my family i am the butt of the joke, and family members such as my aunt are allowed to mock me because its 'just a joke' and im 'too sensitive'. i do my absolute best to not kms for them and i get rewarded by being treated like absolute dirt, on days i am really struggling i get mocked or criticised for having a 'long face'. i go out of my way every week to organise my grandma's shopping (she gives me a list) and when it arrives im always berated when something isnt right, or not exactly how she wanted, despite me always getting everything on the list exactly as it is written- yesterday she just wrote "green beans packet" so i order one packet of green beans, and get shouted and snarled (i mean snarled, like 'you KNEW DAMN WELL I MEANT TWO') for not assuming she meant two, EVEN THOUGH when i go off the list to assume in the past she gets mad too.

i am badly triggered by loud noises and shouting, but nobody cares about this, and they do it anyway, especially if theyre angry with me. they gave away my pet rabbits instead of letting me move them closer (they made me keep them a 5 minute walk away, which made me anxious due to strangers that lived nearby)- rabbits i had their whole life, and since i ran away from my abusers. my friends, those bunnies were old, 8 years. their excuse i dont spend time with them enough, when i begged many times for them to be allowed closer where my anxiety wouldnt be a barrier. not allowed.

i am always their scapegoat, the one in the family to laugh at or be angry at. it feels like they want to be able to say theyre helping bc they pay for therapy but not actually try. bc thats what it is. they pay the therapy bill, but i can't get better bc they are actively making me worse. every time i come back from therapy they criticise me more saying therapy isnt helping and threaten to cut the bill off. my therapist is appalled because he cant do anything because every time we make progress they undo it.

i just want to die. living with this shit is just horrendous. i love my family but they dont (or wont) understand. im better off dead. i dont fit in and i never will.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

Yes, I am definitely the black sheep of my toxic family.
Although nowadays I have as little contact with them as humanly possible.
I just keep to myself now, because even my so-called friends were toxic too.
People create so much suffering for others that I have turned into a misanthrope.
I avoid people like the plauge these days.

 

[minoumyheart]

Yes, I am definitely the black sheep of my toxic family.
Although nowadays I have as little contact with them as humanly possible.
I just keep to myself now, because even my so-called friends were toxic too.
People create so much suffering for others that I have turned into a misanthrope.
I avoid people like the plauge these days.

i wish i could go away. i feel like a fresh start, if i was housed and safe, away from my family, would probably save my life. this fate, with them, secures my death. why are people so eager to not even try to care? like its too much effort to apply empathy when its in anyway inconvenient?

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

i wish i could go away. i feel like a fresh start, if i was housed and safe, away from my family, would probably save my life. this fate, with them, secures my death. why are people so eager to not even try to care? like its too much effort to apply empathy when its in anyway inconvenient?

Lack of empathy in people infuriates me.
Isn't it so much easier to be nice to another person, especially if that person is suffering, rather than be nasty to them ?
It doesn't take much effort to be empathetic to others, especially family members.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I was trapped in an abusive relationship with my narcissistic Mother until I was old enough to leave home, so I know how dreadful it is to be trapped with toxic family members.
Nobody deserves what you are going through , and I hope that sometime in the near future you can find a way to find independence from your family.

 

[HollowDrop]

Always maddens me to hear how terrible people can be to their own flesh and blood, and it's unfortunate how many cases like yours are out there. You do not deserve this. I sincerely hope you eventually can find your escape one way or another.
I didn't have it on this level, but when I was a child my father was a stressed, drunk and violent man. Yelling at us or beating us was the norm, I remember hiding in the bathroom from him absolutely terrified and he would try to force the door lock open. It was a life of constant fear which has scarred me and the rest of my family greatly.