Anyone else given up on being smart enough to follow through?

[Mari&mewo]

I have a fairly well rounded understanding of a few ways I could go... largely hanging full suspension but also partial. If i had the space without my family who im living with it wouldnt be hard. Also charcoal sounds like a soothing way to go... but hanging, that's the closest I've ever gotten to like- actually going through with it. now a-days the effort to compile something that would actually work seemed like too much. I'm only here because of inertia... not because I want to be. a little part of me is just resigned to thinking I'm too stupid to actually get a decent method set up. So- I try not to bother my loved ones with my suicidal feelings when I know I won't do anything. doesn't mean I don't think about it once a week for easily 6+ years-

I'm taking much better care of myself. medication three times a day, force feeding myself... I'm so tired of feeding myself. I wish i could ask my family to make me food when im hungry and have no spoons- but they're already unhappy with how much they have to do for me. I have a job now, I'm around my partner and friends again... I'm making more friends. things are working out better now. why am I still so convinced the only real solution to how overwhelmed the expectations to "grow up" is to off myself? and every second I'm awake I'm just failing more.