KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,710
This is something that's been bothering me for a long time. Ever since I was about 23 years old, I could noticeably feel the decline in life, and realised the best years were behind me, so now I am just waiting for it all to be done. I know it is a very normal part of aging for things to become repetitive or habitual, the conceptualisation of time completely changes with maturity.
I first started working when I was 16, and had to endure so many bad, physical demanding jobs. I never got to have a "normal teenage life", was never invited to parties, never went on dates, didn't have a friend group, was constantly bullied and ostracised, groomed and sexually abused, so my teenage years were spent simply surviving.
At 17 I first became ill with chronic fatigue and my health snowballed downwards from there. A year or two after I became sick, which no one cared about of course and believed it wasn't real, I was working in another crappy retail job, and they kept telling me that eventually I would get stronger, the pain would lessen etc but it never did and years later my body is completely messed up, I have multiple spinal problems causing me a great deal of pain if I try to live any semblance of a normal life, and doctors won't prescribe anything except useless paracetamol.
Throughout my young adult years, every family member I knew except one died or cut me off/wanted nothing to do with me. I dealt with abuse after abuse. Major surgery, more health problems. I thought I finally found some friends at university but it was too good to be true, and I realised no one is ever going to relate to all I've been through.
Now, the later 20s are creeping up on me, and I'm surrounded by the reality that most people my age are focused on careers, buying houses, marriage and kids, none of which interest me, especially when my body is so tired and messed up, and I'm stuck in a marriage that makes me feel horribly about myself. I genuinely feel like I've seen it all, I have traveled, tried many different things like learning new hobbies and skills, tried for years to cure all my health problems, tried to connect with people, and life is so dull and repetitive, and always getting worse without fail.
It feels as if at a certain point, university ending for me, life just became incredibly aimless and dull. I know for the rest of my life I'm going to be mostly cooped up indoors, struggling to survive, and forced to work low wage terrible jobs because my body can't handle full time work and no one wants to hire a disabled person anyway unless they are completely desperate and in part time retail settings. The double hit of being autistic and physically disabled makes me one of the most undesirable people on the planet.
I am just waiting to die at this point. Whenever I searched online to see if anyone else was talking about this, I noticed so many older adults on places like quora and Reddit telling people to, "Join the club. Aging sucks." I can certainly agree, at least in my situation.
I first started working when I was 16, and had to endure so many bad, physical demanding jobs. I never got to have a "normal teenage life", was never invited to parties, never went on dates, didn't have a friend group, was constantly bullied and ostracised, groomed and sexually abused, so my teenage years were spent simply surviving.
At 17 I first became ill with chronic fatigue and my health snowballed downwards from there. A year or two after I became sick, which no one cared about of course and believed it wasn't real, I was working in another crappy retail job, and they kept telling me that eventually I would get stronger, the pain would lessen etc but it never did and years later my body is completely messed up, I have multiple spinal problems causing me a great deal of pain if I try to live any semblance of a normal life, and doctors won't prescribe anything except useless paracetamol.
Throughout my young adult years, every family member I knew except one died or cut me off/wanted nothing to do with me. I dealt with abuse after abuse. Major surgery, more health problems. I thought I finally found some friends at university but it was too good to be true, and I realised no one is ever going to relate to all I've been through.
Now, the later 20s are creeping up on me, and I'm surrounded by the reality that most people my age are focused on careers, buying houses, marriage and kids, none of which interest me, especially when my body is so tired and messed up, and I'm stuck in a marriage that makes me feel horribly about myself. I genuinely feel like I've seen it all, I have traveled, tried many different things like learning new hobbies and skills, tried for years to cure all my health problems, tried to connect with people, and life is so dull and repetitive, and always getting worse without fail.
It feels as if at a certain point, university ending for me, life just became incredibly aimless and dull. I know for the rest of my life I'm going to be mostly cooped up indoors, struggling to survive, and forced to work low wage terrible jobs because my body can't handle full time work and no one wants to hire a disabled person anyway unless they are completely desperate and in part time retail settings. The double hit of being autistic and physically disabled makes me one of the most undesirable people on the planet.
I am just waiting to die at this point. Whenever I searched online to see if anyone else was talking about this, I noticed so many older adults on places like quora and Reddit telling people to, "Join the club. Aging sucks." I can certainly agree, at least in my situation.
